Posts Tagged With: organic

Granola Palace

I’m going natural for a little while.

And not “natural” like sporting hairy armpits, or you getting the waft of my patchouli as I walk by wearing those hideous Birkenstocks like Peppermint Patty, either.  Jeez, those and Crocks… who the hell wears that crap anymore except for four-year olds and the dead? And by dead, I mean Deadhead, of course. I wouldn’t want to de-face an actual dead person by associating them with Birkenstocks.

By the way, do you realize it took me over 40 goddamn years to realize Peppermint Patty was a lesbian? Oh sure, they tried to make it so she wasn’t by giving her a crush on Charlie Brown, but let’s be honest, no one dresses like Peppermint Patty and likes boys. I mean, she called him Chuck for crying out loud! She probably grew up to become a gym teacher, then had Charlie Brown as her Assistant Coach, aka “Bitch”, who collected the handballs at the end of the day. Lucy wasn’t exactly the face of femininity either, know what I mean? Come to think of it, all the Peanuts characters were a bunch of granola-headed misfits.

I’m no Granola-head. When I say I’m going natural, I’m talking about eating more natural organic foods like seeds, tofu, veggies, tahini, hummus…

…you know, like what a granola-head would eat.

ahem.

Seems I gained a few pounds over Christmas that I need to lose and summer is already starting to rear its ugly head, so I need to get on it ASAP! I hate going on a diet more than anything… more than even finding out the guy I’m about to sleep with isn’t packing any heat! That’s why I’ve decided to go the healthy, natural route, so it doesn’t really feel so much like a diet. That means giving up bread, which sucks. I love bread… love it so much that when I go to the deli and they ask me what kinda sandwich I want, I say “Bread. I want a bread sandwich. With a couple slices of bread. And put some croutons on there while you’re at it!”

Ever have a crouton sandwich? Friggin’ delicious.

Well my friend took me to this natural organic foods place in the snottiest part of Thousand Oaks: The Lakes shopping center. I really don’t see the point of that shopping center; it’s a glorified strip mall with a giant fake lake in front of a row of overpriced shops & restaurants fronting a shitty parking lot.

But I digress.

She was talking up this place like it was the bomb, so I felt obligated to try it. It’s called Sunlife Organics, and she was saying how they have these amazing items like açai berry sorbet, green juices, gluten-free and other shit I would never normally eat.

Sounds terrific.

No, not really.

But I sucked it up and went, otherwise I’d be sucking it in… all summer.

Well, it sucked, just like I knew it would. Why? Because people haven’t figured out how to make food like that taste good, that’s why! They figure it’ll sell itself because they’ve labeled it natural and organic… and you know what? People fall for it! I ordered some goddamn sandwich I can’t even tell you what the hell it was called. Now before you jump down my throat about the sandwich thing, it was a sandwich made with gluten-free “bread” and to me, gluten-free doesn’t constitute bread. Hell, it doesn’t even constitute food!

So anyway, this shitty “bread” was smeared with cashew “butter” (not even real butter) slices of banana and drizzled with honey.  Oh, and they toasted it on the grill, probably to give it some taste because it’s basically just a piece of cardboard.

o-1

Should say “Leave Here Now”

It didn’t help.

I couldn’t discern the slightest amount of honey on this sadwich (no, that’s not a typo) so I had to go back to the counter to ask for some, thinking maybe that would give it some flavor, but that didn’t even save it. They put this thing on a tiny paper plate too, and it was hanging off the side threatening to fall off. I wish it had. Plus, it was cut very unevenly, so it looked like a four-year old made it. One wearing Crocks, no doubt. It was utterly and completely tasteless. And, get this… it cost me Ten bucks. TEN BUCKS, are you friggin’ kidding me?! Do they serve it with side of fried potatoes or fruit or something? Nope; it’s just a crappy ten-dollar sandwich. 

But supposedly it’s my fault though because that’s not what you order at Sunlife Organics. You get what my friend got, one of their most popular items: An açai berry sorbet breakfast bowl topped with coconut, banana and g r a n o l a. That’s considered healthy and natural here at the ‘ol Granola Palace; a sugar-laden dessert bowl for breakfast.

I guess those granola-heads aren’t stupid, they’ve figured out how to rip people off by selling natural, organic sugar and cardboard.

Now this is how I’d make a natural sandwich, one with flavor and purpose: Take a couple slices of some real bread, add some butter and grill it ‘til it’s nice and toasty. Smear it with some Nutella and sliced banana, get an adult to cut it in half and serve it on a real plate so you can lick off all the goodness with a nice, wet tongue when you’re done!

Now that’s what I call “natural”.

Sunlife Organics

The Lakes Shopping Center

2200 E. Thousand Oaks Blvd.

805.379.2999

Categories: Best food blog, Beverages, Breakfast, Desserts, Food, Funny, Humor, Sarcasm, Satire | Tags: , , , , , | 2 Comments

Taco?

Okay, I have a question: Why is it that we have to make every day something to celebrate? You know, the whole “National fill-in-the-blank Day”? Every single day in the calendar year has been designated something “National”. Why do we have to designate anything to a particular day anyway, instead of just enjoying it whenever we feel like it? For instance, the other day was National Milk Chocolate Day (you better believe I was on that goddamn train) and today was National Deviled Eggs Day…

…which explains that weird smell in the office…

…and tomorrow is National Chili Dog Day…

…and you all know how much I hate eating hot dogs (I can just imagine which gender came up with that one)!

If this is going to continue, and it’s glaringly apparent that it’s not going away anytime soon, I say, let me make up my own day. Here it is: I declare there be a National Taco Day starting right now! I mean, if there’s a National Chili Dog Day being forced down my throat, then shouldn’t there be a reasonable expectation that someone should celebrate National Taco Day… by eating taco? You bet your sweet ass there should! If I had my way, It’d be National Taco Day every day of the year… 365!

But I’m not even gonna go there because that’s an exercise in frustration… I can never find someone who knows how to eat a goddamn taco properly in the first place!! 

Someone told me it’s because of the shredded lettuce…

I don’t know if I agree with that though. Supposedly it’s good manners nowadays to serve your taco without shredded lettuce, which personally, I don’t think is normal since tacos automatically come with shredded lettuce. Not that I’ve been eating any tacos… I just happened to have dropped my drawers on my front lawn the other day and someone yelled out “Coyote!

Who’s gonna be the one to stick their hands down there to remove the shredded lettuce anyway? Not the Mexican guy who does my lawn, that’s for goddamn sure, he doesn’t even cut my grass evenly. And maybe he likes shredded lettuce on his tacos anyway. Well I’ll never know because if I don’t like chili dogs, I’m certainly not gonna like chorizo sausage.

But back to the National Milk Chocolate Day thing. I know I’ve discussed the subject of chocolate before but there’s a reason for it. What the reason? It’s chocolate, that’s why.

Anyway I was in one of those dollar stores today… you know the one where they say everything is a buck, but it’s really not since some items are more than a buck, which is bullshit that they call themselves the 99¢ Only Stores then because first of all, most everything is $1, not 99¢, and even some of their items are a few bucks, like their toilet paper, which is more like newspaper without the print. 

20151104_175254

Can you um, take that off?

The reason I keep going there is because sometimes they get these bonus items in their inventory; stuff that you’d find in the regular supermarkets that are triple the price, so it keeps me going back because it’s like a treasure hunt. So when I was in there the other day, I walked down the aisle that’s usually off-limits to myself: the candy aisle. That’s a misnomer because every aisle is the candy aisle in the dollar stores since 99% of their food items are loaded with sugar, hence the name, 99¢ Only Store… but that’s another story, this story is about finding good, quality chocolate; the kind that’s usually super expensive at places like Whole Foods.

I found Green & Black’s organic chocolate there today and it only cost me a buck instead of almost $5… awesome! However, it’s not the regular size bar, it’s a mini… 1.2 ounces, to be exact. That’s why I bought six of them and…

Yes, I said six… excuse me, but that is not excessive… it’s the smaller size dammit! If I were to buy the regular size, it would equal three of the ones I got… so there!

Now I’ve only ever eaten Green & Black’s dark chocolate; this was the first time trying the milk chocolate, and when I got back to my car with my groceries, I wanted to test it out right away, so I greedily stuffed my face with a few squares… okay, the whole goddamn bar, sheesh! But the milk chocolate isn’t like the dark chocolate… it’s sort of, um… sort of… uhhh… well, it’s very um… organic.

Look, I know it’s classified USDA organic chocolate, but what I mean by “organic” is that it’s not as smooth and refined as the dark. It’s like… well, like the classy dark chocolate’s hippie brother… it wears nice clothes and all, but when you look down, it’s got hairy legs… and wears Birkenstocks… hideous! The dark is elegant and smooth, like a clean-shaven James Bond in a fine Armani suit and…

W a i t a second… smoothclean-shaven

My God, now I get it!! Why would anyone want to bite into something with tons of shredded lettuce on it?! Oh thank goodness I got it all straightened out now… all by a chocolate bar, of all things! Thank you Green & Blacks!

Um, does anyone know a good gardener?

Categories: Best food blog, Chocolate, Food, Funny, Humor, Sarcasm, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

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