Posts Tagged With: funny food blogs

Love, Italian-Style

So there’s this really cute, young checkout guy at the supermarket; he’s tall with dark hair and amazing green eyes, and we’re always chatty with each other, which gives me false hope that he’s interested. Anyway, he’s always asking me about food and what’s good and what’s not, so it’s a good excuse to make frequent trips to get supplies that I don’t need, and I can get in his line and drool over him!

Well I hadn’t gone in for a long time because the last time I was there, I was feeling particularly delusional, and I slipped him my telephone number… and he never called (which was a big surprise) so to save face, I avoided going altogether. That is, until the other day, when I just had to see him again, and of course I didn’t need anything in particular and I was on my way to a party, so I just quickly grabbed a banana and got in his line without even thinking!

Well let me just tell you this; if you have a crush on the cute checkout guy at the supermarket that you flirt with, who’s much younger than you, you should never, ever get in his line just to buy a banana because it’s totally obvious! Well he stared at the banana for a moment and I looked away pretending that something else caught my eye, and then our eyes met but we didn’t say anything to each other because what the hell can you say about a goddamned banana except the obvious?! So if you’re gonna stalk the young checkout guy at the supermarket, I suggest buying some alcohol because at least you’ll look like you’re there to buy something legitimate and not just getting in line to gawk at something you can never have! Then you can go get drunk and cry over how ridiculous a goddamned banana is!!


Way better than a banana!

Way better than a banana!

Okay, strawberries.

I had some the other night in a cocktail and it was one of the most delicious cocktails I’ve ever had! I went to this restaurant in Oxnard and… Jesus Christ, I wish they would change that horrible name… who the hell wants to live and dine in a place with a name that sounds like a set of cow balls? They should call it Oxford, no one uses that name.

Now as you all know, I love Italian food, and this place was just too much to resist. I know, who cares? There are thousands of Italian restaurants in this damn county and we don’t really need anymore, right? Well, we have lots of mediocre (or downright awful) Italian restaurants, but very few great ones. And, we have even fewer great ones that are reasonably priced! In fact, I’m not sure that I’ve ever found one that was reasonably priced and great…

…until now.

Of course, if you open a great Italian restaurant in Oxnard, you’d better be ready to have reasonable prices because who wants to eat at a fabulous Italian restaurant in Oxnard, for crying out loud?!

I’m going to write about one of their cocktails first, and then move on to tell you about the food I ate, which you may have already guessed, was pizza. The place is called Settebello and I’m sure some of you will have difficulty pronouncing it, just like the other Italian words you mispronounce (and like my Russian name) but I’ve learned to live with it. Just don’t refer to mozzarella cheese as moozarella because that’s not how you goddamned say it!!

Anyway they made me this delicious cocktail with strawberries called The Amalfi Coast, and I drank the entire thing, plus my companion’s (she didn’t like it anyway) It’s also got Flor de Caña rum, Campari, St. Elizabeth Allspice Dram, lime and Demerara sugar, and it was so good, I’d drive all the way back to CowBalls to have another one!

But did I mention that their pizza was amazingly delicious and only ten bucks? They import the flour, olive oil and tomatoes from Italy, so it’s super authentic Neapolitan-style pizza, which means the crust was thin, slightly charred on the outside, with a slight chewy bite, like a good crust is supposed to be. The tomato sauce was made with sweet, fruity San Marzano tomatoes, and it was all topped off with creamy mozzarella bufala and fresh basil. When it came out, it was all melty and bubbly and crusty and chewy from the wood-fired oven and (oh boy, I’m really hungry now) and I stuffed it in my pizzapiehole and it completely, temporarily made me forget all about Mr. Dreamy Supermarket Checkout Guy!

So what’s the moral of this story? Eat pizza, not bananas!


The Collection at Riverpark

2760 Seaglass Way

Oxnard, CA

(805) 988-1095

Categories: Alcohol, Food, Humor, Pizza | Tags: , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

You Say Tomato, I Say, Shut The Hell Up!

Please help me understand something: why don’t some people go to English class so that they can learn to use the English language properly? Is it that difficult? Okay yes, I realize the English language is the most difficult language to learn… but should that stop you?

Take, for instance, the word: buoy. It’s pronounced: boy. Now many of you probably have a confused look on your face right at this very moment because you’re thinking “Oh… well I thought it was pronounced boo-ee?”…

…but you’d be wrong, horribly wrong. That stupid pronunciation entered our vernacular because some stupid moron decided that “boo-ee” sounded so much more fun than boring ol’ “boy”, so they changed it, for no goddamn reason, and it just caught on, which just goes to show you many morons there really are in the world… and how many of those morons are English teachers!

Just take a look at any grade school English work book from say… about 40 years or so ago, and you’ll see that they used word association with pictures back then, and they always, always associated the word buoy, with a goddamn picture of a goddamn boy, and they couldn’t associate it with a goddamn picture of goddamn boo-ee, because there is no such thing! And just to make sure all this hits home, you don’t pronounce the word “buoyant” as “boo-eeant”, do you? DO YOU?!

There’s also the word “snuck”, which has entered the dictionary as slang (God help us) but it shouldn’t be there because it’s not a word. “Sneaked” would be the proper word, as in “I sneaked into the kitchen the other day and stuffed my goddamn piehole with delicious food!” Not, “I snuck out the back door after having sex with my goddamn neighbor while his wife was away!”

I hate to move on to something else since I’m not really a stickler for such trivialities, but since I have your attention, I’d like to get these common mistakes corrected while I’m here:

Contractions No, these are not what you have when you’re pregnant or have diarrhea, these are words that are contracted from a longer form, for say, convenience purposes. Words such as:

Shouldn’t – Should not

Couldn’t – Could not

Should’ve – Should have

Would’ve – Would have

NOT: should of… would of!

I’m cringing right now. I see that mistake all over the place, like the internet, in email, and on some greeting cards: “I should of read your blog…” Instead of: “I should’ve read your blog and now I feel like an asshole!”

Here’s another one:

Mixing up “You’re” and “Your”.

“You’re” is a contraction of “You are”

You are one-of-a-kind!

You’re one-of-a-kind!

Not, “Your one-of-a-kind”

Your horrible English is getting on my nerves! (take note: there is no contraction for your).

Holy moly, it's Poli!

Holy moly, it’s Poli!

So when I went for my favorite meal (breakfast) the other day at Pete’s Breakfast House in Ventura, I ordered their special, The Poli, since it sounded delicious! It’s their take on a Cali-style Benedict, and they make it with creamy avocado, sweet tomato, jack cheese and poached eggs on an English muffin… (English muffin, not moron muffin). Once again, the problem was the pronunciation; they said it’s pronounced “pole-eye”, but I think that’s wrong. People with dyslexia might mix it up with the word piehole, can you imagine?! I think it’s pronounced pol-ee, as in: Roly poly, fat and holy, I am perfect and you’re a goddamn moron!


Anyway, their potatoes were perfect too. You know how most places overcook their breakfast potatoes, and you end up with a burned, sloppy mess on your plate that you can’t discern? Well they don’t do that at Pete’s, they just get confused on their English. No, their potatoes are perfect and I’m completely impressed since they’re extremely busy for breakfast, yet manage to execute each dish with perfection, and I know they execute each dish perfectly because The Poli was so yummy, I ordered a second one, and it came out exactly the same as the first. Don’t you think that’s impressive? No, no, not me ordering the two breakfasts… impressive that they made two exact dishes, exactly the same?!

So git yer ass on ovur to Petes fer sum yumy brekfest, ya doggone peepl!

Pete’s Breakfast House

2055 East Main Street

Ventura, CA


Categories: Breakfast, Brunch, Food, Humor, Satire, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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