Posts Tagged With: Food

Love, Italian-Style

So there’s this really cute, young checkout guy at the supermarket; he’s tall with dark hair and amazing green eyes, and we’re always chatty with each other, which gives me false hope that he’s interested. Anyway, he’s always asking me about food and what’s good and what’s not, so it’s a good excuse to make frequent trips to get supplies that I don’t need, and I can get in his line and drool over him!

Well I hadn’t gone in for a long time because the last time I was there, I was feeling particularly delusional, and I slipped him my telephone number… and he never called (which was a big surprise) so to save face, I avoided going altogether. That is, until the other day, when I just had to see him again, and of course I didn’t need anything in particular and I was on my way to a party, so I just quickly grabbed a banana and got in his line without even thinking!

Well let me just tell you this; if you have a crush on the cute checkout guy at the supermarket that you flirt with, who’s much younger than you, you should never, ever get in his line just to buy a banana because it’s totally obvious! Well he stared at the banana for a moment and I looked away pretending that something else caught my eye, and then our eyes met but we didn’t say anything to each other because what the hell can you say about a goddamned banana except the obvious?! So if you’re gonna stalk the young checkout guy at the supermarket, I suggest buying some alcohol because at least you’ll look like you’re there to buy something legitimate and not just getting in line to gawk at something you can never have! Then you can go get drunk and cry over how ridiculous a goddamned banana is!!


Way better than a banana!

Way better than a banana!

Okay, strawberries.

I had some the other night in a cocktail and it was one of the most delicious cocktails I’ve ever had! I went to this restaurant in Oxnard and… Jesus Christ, I wish they would change that horrible name… who the hell wants to live and dine in a place with a name that sounds like a set of cow balls? They should call it Oxford, no one uses that name.

Now as you all know, I love Italian food, and this place was just too much to resist. I know, who cares? There are thousands of Italian restaurants in this damn county and we don’t really need anymore, right? Well, we have lots of mediocre (or downright awful) Italian restaurants, but very few great ones. And, we have even fewer great ones that are reasonably priced! In fact, I’m not sure that I’ve ever found one that was reasonably priced and great…

…until now.

Of course, if you open a great Italian restaurant in Oxnard, you’d better be ready to have reasonable prices because who wants to eat at a fabulous Italian restaurant in Oxnard, for crying out loud?!

I’m going to write about one of their cocktails first, and then move on to tell you about the food I ate, which you may have already guessed, was pizza. The place is called Settebello and I’m sure some of you will have difficulty pronouncing it, just like the other Italian words you mispronounce (and like my Russian name) but I’ve learned to live with it. Just don’t refer to mozzarella cheese as moozarella because that’s not how you goddamned say it!!

Anyway they made me this delicious cocktail with strawberries called The Amalfi Coast, and I drank the entire thing, plus my companion’s (she didn’t like it anyway) It’s also got Flor de Caña rum, Campari, St. Elizabeth Allspice Dram, lime and Demerara sugar, and it was so good, I’d drive all the way back to CowBalls to have another one!

But did I mention that their pizza was amazingly delicious and only ten bucks? They import the flour, olive oil and tomatoes from Italy, so it’s super authentic Neapolitan-style pizza, which means the crust was thin, slightly charred on the outside, with a slight chewy bite, like a good crust is supposed to be. The tomato sauce was made with sweet, fruity San Marzano tomatoes, and it was all topped off with creamy mozzarella bufala and fresh basil. When it came out, it was all melty and bubbly and crusty and chewy from the wood-fired oven and (oh boy, I’m really hungry now) and I stuffed it in my pizzapiehole and it completely, temporarily made me forget all about Mr. Dreamy Supermarket Checkout Guy!

So what’s the moral of this story? Eat pizza, not bananas!


The Collection at Riverpark

2760 Seaglass Way

Oxnard, CA

(805) 988-1095

Categories: Alcohol, Food, Humor, Pizza | Tags: , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

It Was Bangin’

I love going to the hardware store because now, they have all this stuff that caters to women, like kitchen products and plants and candy and… yeah candy, can you believe it? This particular hardware store I frequent sells candy right at the check out, and it’s the retro kind too, like the kind you bought as a kid! No, I’m not talking about goddamn Reese’s Pieces, I’m talking about, if you were born before the year nineteen eighty f…


Did you know that there are more women going to hardware stores to buy DIY products today than compared to 30 years ago? What’s that? How many more? I don’t know exactly how many more… but a lot more. It seems that us women have learned how to fix things and build things without needing our male counterparts to do it for us… which is just stupid! Why did we ever want to take over banging nails into wood? I, for one, am not into breaking a nail so I can build a goddamn structure just to prove that I can! If you think about it, men are more properly equipped to bang things into other things anyway, why do you think they make hammers look like big, giant…

…anyway, I always pretend that I need help when I go, so that Mr. Hardware Store Guy can get what I need for me and I don’t have to walk all over the store searching for it. Smart, huh? And if he’s really cute, I can ask him important hardware store questions like: how big is his largest drill bit and was he ever a drill sergeant?… or, if a certain hole is clogged up, how would he snake it?… or, what’s the hardest he could pound nails? You know, shit like that.

Sometimes they think you’re stupid though, and if you give them the slightest inkling that you know more than they do, they get really irritated. I can clearly tell the ones that don’t like a woman showing ‘em up. For instance, the other day I was  looking for a particular hook, so I asked a young Mr. Hardware Store Guy where I could find ‘em, and he took me to the “cute” hook section, you know, where you’ll find the sort of small hooks to hang coffee mugs on, which isn’t what I was looking for at all. He assumed that I wanted to “hang something cute in my apartment”, when what I really wanted was a decorative hook for this complicated project I was working on, so he kinda pissed me off.

I kindly told him that they weren’t the ones I was looking for and his answer to that was, “Those were the only kind they had”, which I instinctively knew wasn’t correct, so I went off on my own to search for what I needed, and low and behold, I found it! I knew I was going to… and since I’m the type of Girl who never passes up an opportunity to make someone feel like a moron when they act like one, I found him and kindly showed him exactly where the error of his ways lay. And did you know that the little shit didn’t even thank me for it?


Well after that, you can imagine that I was getting hungry and… you know where this is going next, right? Yep, food. Of course food, what else would I write about, sex?! I knew since I was next to a hardware store the only food choices were going to be shitty ones though. Now don’t get your panties all in a bunch, it’s true. Here’s what the choices were:

Taco Bell

They nailed it!

They nailed it!

Panda Express

Some shitty Mexican take-out

Round Table Pizza (closed down)

99¢ Only Store (I just threw that one in for good measure)

P&L Burgers, which is a greasy spoon

I chose P&L Burgers because it’s cheap and they have a decent chicken kebab. Or, they used to have chicken kebab, they don’t offer it anymore, which I promptly found out. I was about to walk out because I wouldn’t order anything else they had on their menu since I didn’t wanna be burping up old grease all night with protests from my stomach, but the super nice lady at the counter suggested I get the Chicken Fajita Gyro instead. She said it was basically the same thing, but in a homemade pita, so I said “Sure, why not.”

It was so tasty, I guess you could say it was bangin’! *snicker* It had all the ingredients of their now infamous kebab: onion, green bell peppers and chicken, but instead of on a skewer, it was in a thick, homemade pita, which was quite tasty! I didn’t want french fries because of the… well you already know why, so I got a salad instead, which is what I used to get with the kebab, too. I love their Italian dressing that comes with it and they always give me extra. Plus, I asked the nice lady to please inform the kitchen not to overcook the chicken, which they have a tendency of doing, and it came out perfect! And all of it was under ten bucks too.

So after I ate, I realized that I had to go back into the hardware store because I had completely forgotten to get this particular little item and… you know, well it was the kind of item that you um… use to um… hang coffee cups…


P&L Burgers

2000-A East Avenida De Los Arboles

Thousand Oaks, CA


Categories: Chicken, Food, Humor, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , | 6 Comments

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