Posts Tagged With: Food Network

Celebrity Chef Interview

Clever Girl got the grand opportunity of interviewing a celebrity chef! I was very excited about it… at first. But then I quickly realized that I can’t stand most of them because they’re obnoxious, self-centered, and narcissistic, and who has patience for that?! I don’t, I’m too busy and have very important things to do, such as entertain the hundreds thousands of my fans with my prowess with words and… and… you know, stuff!

Don’t get me wrong, I like some chefs, like Bobby Flay, which is strange since I’m not really into gingers because let’s face it; they’re freaks of nature! Them and albinos… gross, I want someone with a tan! But there’s something about him… maybe his personality. It must be his personality because it sure isn’t his white-as-the-driven-snow complexion, that’s for sure. Plus, he’s the Iron Chef, so he’s probably packing some serious iron, if you know what I mean!

Anyway, I got the transcript from the interview for you to read and I hope you enjoy it as much as I hated doing it, but hopefully it’ll get me some recognition, because that’s all I care about.


Clever Girl: So what made you decide to become a chef?

Snotty Chef: I felt a pang deep inside my soul, but then it occurred to me that I didn’t have one, and came to realize it was hunger.

Clever Girl: So are you still hungry?

Snotty Chef: Only every other day.

Clever Girl: Then why are you so fat?

Snotty Chef: I’m not fat! At least, that’s what my mother tells me…

Clever Girl: But your chef’s coat is stretched tightly across your substantial belly and one of the buttons popped off. It’s not an insult, believe me, it’s just an observation because I would never trust a skinny chef anyway.

Snotty Chef: Oh, well are you attracted to me then? Because I find you quite attractive.

Clever Girl: Hell no, I’d never date a guy with a huge gut! Ahem, let’s get back to the interview shall we? What was your first job?

Snotty Chef: What’s wrong with a guy having a huge gut?

Clever Girl: Well, it’s not attractive for one, and for another, it gets in the way. Now if you could just answer my question about…

Snotty Chef: Did you know that the word “chef” means chief, and a chief always has a large physical presence?!

Clever Girl: Yeah okay, large, not “huge gut”. Now let’s get back to my question: what was your first job?

Snotty Chef: A chief demands respect! Why won’t you just respect me?

Clever Girl: If we can’t stay on topic then I’m afraid we’ll have to discontinue this interview.

Snotty Chef: Fine. I’m hungry anyway.

At this point, the chef gets up to make himself a sandwich with processed turkey, yellow mustard and kale on white bread. Then he comes back and offers me half while myself and my production crew (a friend), pack up our gear (a chair and a notepad). I tell him “no thank you” to the sandwich and he tells me I’m a bitch and that I wouldn’t know a gourmet sandwich if it smacked me in the face. I agree, not to the sandwich part, but the bitch part, and I walk out.

There. Okay, so maybe it didn’t go that well, but it was my first time so I don’t think I did too badly. The chef was horrible, proving my point, but hey, if it were Bobby Flay, it would have gone completely different! For one, I wouldn’t have brought a production crew, just in case me ‘n Bobby wanted to, you know, make some bread dough rise…

Then, he’d get me my own show on the goddamned Food Network since it’s awful and boring and continually has the same ‘ol faces! Then, me ‘n Bobby would hook up all time and we’d become the power couple of the food world, as long as he doesn’t get me pregnant because I don’t want to give birth to any goddamned red-heads!

Is he married?

Categories: Food, Humor, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Top Ten Things That Gave Me A Bellyache This Year

10. The food re-gift. Hey, thanks for gifting me that stale food product that you were given the year before so you could simultaneously relieve any gift-guilt you had, and clean out your food pantry! Next year, don’t get me anything, that’ll be my favorite gift from you, ever!

9. Getting a dish that’s missing an ingredient, like the Chicken Tortilla Soup I once had that didn’t have chicken in it. Oh but wait, you added it, then charged me for it. Yeah, it really happened.

8. Health foods that have always been around, yet for some reason, are taking headlining spots: kale, coconut water (don’t get that one), berries, fish oil, chia seeds, et al. How about eating everything in moderation as a healthy lifestyle? “Uh yeah, I’ll have an order of the fried potatoes please.”

7. Beer pairings. How many craft beers do we really need that have essence of freshly cut hay that’ll go with my sliders?  “Hey bartender, gimme a Bud!”

6. Sliders.

5. Enough, Top Chef! Your chef-testants are boring morons and you consistently choose men as the winner in an already male-dominated field… so, please pack your knives and go already!

4. The Food Network. Or, should I call it, The Flay, Rachael, Giada, Fieri network? How about some new talent Food Network, I’m sick of ’em and aren’t they rich enough already?

3. Food poisoning. I know this is elementary, but it still happens, and unfortunately, mostly to people who eat food. The ordinance California created to address food borne illness in restaurants that cost taxpayers and food service workers millions, isn’t working. Just ask my stomach.

2. Inconsistency. By going to a particular place to get a particular dish that I really enjoyed the first time, only to get it the second time, and it’s not the same dish. So you treat me like I’m a moron and think I won’t notice. Guess what? You’re the moron since I did notice, wrote about it, and won’t be returning.

1. Food blogs.

Categories: Humor, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

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