On the suggestion of my 1-800-Lawyer, I’ve decided to tackle the rumors and speculation in the media and amongst my peers and have come to the decision that I finally need to tell the truth:
I hate cinnamon, but I eat cinnamon rolls.
There, I admitted it, okay? I’m sorry, but I hate cinnamon! It’s cloying and completely overpowers everything you put it on! I hate it when restaurants liberally splatter the stuff on my desserts when I wasn’t expecting it, I never want it near my cappuccino, and I don’t want it ruining my fruit by being doused with the stuff! But I love cinnamon rolls! It’s the only food product that I like that has cinnamon in it, other than apple pie, Moroccan dishes, and maybe one or two other things. So does that make me a hypocrite? It’s not like I’ve been going off into some dark corner of a restaurant and stuffing my face with one, and then saying that I never did! Okay, so I did that once… okay, so I did it a few times… OKAY, so I’ve been lying about it the whole time!!
I’ve been cheating.
I know I was arrogant in my abuse of the cinnamon roll and I now understand that it was the wrong thing to do, but honestly, it didn’t feel wrong to me at the time. Isn’t that scary? At the time, I didn’t even feel badly about it… even scarier. And at the time, I did not feel in any way that I was cheating… which is the scariest! I just want to apologize to anyone that I sued or called “crazy” or a “bitch” when they accused me of hating cinnamon but eating cinnamon rolls. Hey, at least I didn’t call them fat! All I can say is that the sugar must have gotten to me. You know how addicting that stuff is; eating it is like winning a race every time!
I love the doughy softness of cinnamon rolls with their swirly shapes that look like the wheels of a bicycle! When they come out of the oven all golden, the warm scent of cinnamon fills the air and the glistening sweet glaze melts over the tops of them. I love to slather butter all over mine while it’s warm, so it melts into the swirls and mixes with the glaze, making it extra buttery and rich. It’s a perfect companion to a strong, hot cup of coffee with cream. Talk about a performance-enhancing drug! I love to get my cinnamon roll fix at The Corner Bakery in Westlake Village. Normally I’m not crazy about chain restaurants, but they honestly make the best cinnamon rolls in the area! Every time I walk in, there’s a pan of them waiting for me, and the nice person behind the counter always asks if I want it heated, and of course I say yes! I try to go early in the morning before they run out of them because they run out of them really quickly, so if you want one, you’d better be a good competitor and get there early!
I have to run now because I just got a phone call from some very important people who want me to do some appearances and speaking engagements. They even suggested that I run for office since the public easily forgives and will vote for you, even if you are branded a cheater! Hey, I could be another Roger Clemmens or Eliot Spitzer, or that other guy who’s name eludes me at the moment…
…except I’m not a man.
Gosh, I feel so much better now that I’ve confessed!