Posts Tagged With: chocolate

Taco?

Okay, I have a question: Why is it that we have to make every day something to celebrate? You know, the whole “National fill-in-the-blank Day”? Every single day in the calendar year has been designated something “National”. Why do we have to designate anything to a particular day anyway, instead of just enjoying it whenever we feel like it? For instance, the other day was National Milk Chocolate Day (you better believe I was on that goddamn train) and today was National Deviled Eggs Day…

…which explains that weird smell in the office…

…and tomorrow is National Chili Dog Day…

…and you all know how much I hate eating hot dogs (I can just imagine which gender came up with that one)!

If this is going to continue, and it’s glaringly apparent that it’s not going away anytime soon, I say, let me make up my own day. Here it is: I declare there be a National Taco Day starting right now! I mean, if there’s a National Chili Dog Day being forced down my throat, then shouldn’t there be a reasonable expectation that someone should celebrate National Taco Day… by eating taco? You bet your sweet ass there should! If I had my way, It’d be National Taco Day every day of the year… 365!

But I’m not even gonna go there because that’s an exercise in frustration… I can never find someone who knows how to eat a goddamn taco properly in the first place!! 

Someone told me it’s because of the shredded lettuce…

I don’t know if I agree with that though. Supposedly it’s good manners nowadays to serve your taco without shredded lettuce, which personally, I don’t think is normal since tacos automatically come with shredded lettuce. Not that I’ve been eating any tacos… I just happened to have dropped my drawers on my front lawn the other day and someone yelled out “Coyote!

Who’s gonna be the one to stick their hands down there to remove the shredded lettuce anyway? Not the Mexican guy who does my lawn, that’s for goddamn sure, he doesn’t even cut my grass evenly. And maybe he likes shredded lettuce on his tacos anyway. Well I’ll never know because if I don’t like chili dogs, I’m certainly not gonna like chorizo sausage.

But back to the National Milk Chocolate Day thing. I know I’ve discussed the subject of chocolate before but there’s a reason for it. What the reason? It’s chocolate, that’s why.

Anyway I was in one of those dollar stores today… you know the one where they say everything is a buck, but it’s really not since some items are more than a buck, which is bullshit that they call themselves the 99¢ Only Stores then because first of all, most everything is $1, not 99¢, and even some of their items are a few bucks, like their toilet paper, which is more like newspaper without the print. 

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Can you um, take that off?

The reason I keep going there is because sometimes they get these bonus items in their inventory; stuff that you’d find in the regular supermarkets that are triple the price, so it keeps me going back because it’s like a treasure hunt. So when I was in there the other day, I walked down the aisle that’s usually off-limits to myself: the candy aisle. That’s a misnomer because every aisle is the candy aisle in the dollar stores since 99% of their food items are loaded with sugar, hence the name, 99¢ Only Store… but that’s another story, this story is about finding good, quality chocolate; the kind that’s usually super expensive at places like Whole Foods.

I found Green & Black’s organic chocolate there today and it only cost me a buck instead of almost $5… awesome! However, it’s not the regular size bar, it’s a mini… 1.2 ounces, to be exact. That’s why I bought six of them and…

Yes, I said six… excuse me, but that is not excessive… it’s the smaller size dammit! If I were to buy the regular size, it would equal three of the ones I got… so there!

Now I’ve only ever eaten Green & Black’s dark chocolate; this was the first time trying the milk chocolate, and when I got back to my car with my groceries, I wanted to test it out right away, so I greedily stuffed my face with a few squares… okay, the whole goddamn bar, sheesh! But the milk chocolate isn’t like the dark chocolate… it’s sort of, um… sort of… uhhh… well, it’s very um… organic.

Look, I know it’s classified USDA organic chocolate, but what I mean by “organic” is that it’s not as smooth and refined as the dark. It’s like… well, like the classy dark chocolate’s hippie brother… it wears nice clothes and all, but when you look down, it’s got hairy legs… and wears Birkenstocks… hideous! The dark is elegant and smooth, like a clean-shaven James Bond in a fine Armani suit and…

W a i t a second… smoothclean-shaven

My God, now I get it!! Why would anyone want to bite into something with tons of shredded lettuce on it?! Oh thank goodness I got it all straightened out now… all by a chocolate bar, of all things! Thank you Green & Blacks!

Um, does anyone know a good gardener?

Categories: Best food blog, Chocolate, Food, Funny, Humor, Sarcasm, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

WTF?

WTF?

I’ve been asking myself this lately because it seems to be a big problem! It happened last week, and before that, it happened a few weeks ago, and I can’t figure out what the hell’s going on!

WTF?!

It seems that there is a major lack of consistency, quality, and availability going on, which happens to be very, very important, and it’s a subject I’ve talked about many times, but they just aren’t getting it!

For instance, a few weeks ago, I went back to this place to have the Pho that I raved about, but when I got it, it wasn’t the same Pho they made the first couple times I had it. They changed it! It used to be delicious, authentic Pho, but now, it tastes like a Chinese chef got his greasy chopsticks into it and screwed it up!

Yeah.

It’s not that Chinese food is bad, it’s just that it tasted like wonton soup, not Pho, and Pho should not taste like wonton soup! They told me they had a Vietnamese chef for their Pho, and a Japanese sushi chef for their sushi, but it seems that one of them has quit, and it isn’t the Japanese sushi chef!

I know they all look the same, but their food is totally different. The problem with Asian restaurants that do three or four different types of Asian cuisine, is that two or more of the cuisines is going to suffer. You can’t have a Chinese chef cook Vietnamese because he’s going to put a Chinese spin on it. He’ll add soy sauce or something else that doesn’t belong. Trust me, he won’t be able help himself, it’s compulsive, and if anyone knows anything about compulsion, it’s me!

Then last week, I went to this place to get my favorite jalapeno corn bread, and they don’t even make it anymore! Can you imagine a Mexican food restaurant not making any jalapeno corn bread?! Neither can I! At least they can’t screw up their food like the Asians because they only have one kind. There sure are a whole lot of ‘em though, one on every corner! Restaurants, not Mexicans… wait, I take that back.

Anyway, again I ask: Where’s The Food?!

Well I have no idea, and I got so upset about all of it, that I did what every red-blooded American girl does when she’s upset…

no, I did not sleep with the high school football team!

I went clothes shopping!

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White you can count on!

Boy, was that a mistake! Talk about an exercise in mood-stabilization! I vacillated between laughing and self-loathing, and thought that it probably would have been easier to have slept with the entire high school football team after all! So in order to make myself feel better, I took a trip to See’s Candies.

Thank goodness for See’s because they get it! They stay consistent and they always have what they’re known for: chocolate.

When I got there though, there was a line out the door with all these morons, sheesh! I guess they all know where the goddamned food is! Then, this, this… lady that was ahead of me, well she wanted to hand-pick her own chocolate box, and she was taking f o r e v e r ! I can’t believe how stupid a person becomes when they’re faced with choices! I mean, c’mon lady, they’ve been around for a hundred years and you still don’t know the goddamned flavors yet, WTF?!

Anyway, here are just a few of my favorites:

  • Mayfair: maraschino cherries and walnuts wrapped in a creamy vanilla/cherry buttercream.  To die for!
  • Milk Chocolate Buttercream: Smooth, buttery filling covered with milk chocolate. Mmmm!
  • Scotchmallow: dark chocolate enrobing layers of buttery, vanilla-spiked caramel and marshmallow. HELLO!!
  • Orange Bon Bon: Orange buttercream covered in a bright orange glaze. The kind you eat on the couch and get fat on!
  • Dark Chocolate Raspberry: Sex? Who gives a shit?! I’ll take two!

I took a photo of the bag for you ’cause I ate ’em all.

You gotta love the All-American See’s Candies, even though they were originally from Canada, because they give you a freebie as soon as the moron in front of you is done, they’re always there when you need them, and their stores are all pure white!

See’s Candies

Various Locations

Categories: Chocolate, Food, Humor | Tags: , , , , , , | 9 Comments

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