Posts Tagged With: best funny food blogs

Don’t Get Jinxed!

You ever get so irritated with a server giving you bad service that you never want to return to the restaurant? I have yet to understand why it’s taboo to talk poorly about an annoying server giving you bad service, which is ridiculous because there’s so much bad service out there. Saying we shouldn’t talk about bad service is like saying we shouldn’t talk about how shitty Starbucks coffee is, which, we’re not right now because that’s not the subject… even though it does not negate the fact that they serve shitty coffee and there are way too many of them. If Trump really wants to do this country a favor, he should deport all the goddamn Starbucks!

People get uncomfortable when you criticize a server giving shitty service, like you’ll get struck down by lightening or something. The biggest reason I hear people saying you shouldn’t talk badly about a bad server is because their job is sooooo hard

Yeah? So is picking strawberries out in the fields but do you hear the Mexicans complaining about it? No, because when was the last time you found yourself near some strawberry fields… forever?

Any job can be considered hard, not just waiting tables. Just try running this country into the ground! I know because I may or may not have done that crappy job myself at some point (waiting tables, not running the country into the ground) so you can’t preach to this choir. What I find most ludicrous is that we pay servers for the shitty service they give us in the form of a guilt tip (not to be confused with guilt trip). We feel guilty because we’re doing something to them that’s completely rude and intrusive: Ordering food. How dare we? So we give them money at the end of our dining experience whether the service was good or not, out of pure guilt… do you know how crazy ridiculous that is? As crazy ridiculous as a sociopathic reality T.V. narcissist becoming president!

Jinky’s happens to be one of the biggest offenders, and to top it off, it’s so overpriced, so if you want shitty service and a ding in your wallet, go there. On one of my visits, I ordered a cup of their homemade chili. If you order a cup of chili, you’d think you’d get an actual cup, right? Not at Jinky’s! You won’t get a cup of chili, you’ll get a barely-a-cup of chili. That’s an actual measurement they invented. The portion was so small and miserly, I thought they may have mistook me for the midget sitting in the next booth over. Now don’t get your panties in a bunch, I would never refer to a midget as a midget… it was a toddler. Anyway, the goddamn chili set me back $8.00… for beans people! I used to live in Westlake Village, so I was accustomed to getting overcharged, but Jinky’s beat them out in that category.

My biggest complaint is the service, which is consistently bad. Overall, the service can be brimming with apathy, but there’s one particular server that takes the lead in crappy. He’s the crap-master of table-waiting; the king of I-don’t-give-a-shit. For one, he always looks slovenly, with a dirty, wrinkled shirt and greasy hairstyle. Plus he’s sloooow; in pace and comprehension. It would never occur to him, for instance, that if you serve tea, soup or oatmeal, you should probably bring a spoon, because in his caveman existence, dirty fingers work fine. I would bet money that if I uttered the words “Unga Bunga” he would totally get it! That’s because moments before he placed his rotund schlubbiness in my face, he was out back taking a bong load. If you have a couple three hours to waste, sit in his section for amusement. That’s how long it’ll take for him to take your order, bring your food, bring you the things you’ll need with your food, after having to repeatedly ask, and finally, to present you with an insulting bill. And he completely expects to get a tip for all this, not understanding that the word “tip” is actually an acronym for “To Insure Promptness”, obviously a concept that is completely lost on him whenever his mother wakes him up from his nappy-time so he can haul off to work.

Although I’d like to protect my readers from such slovenliness, in the spirit of a 12-Step program, he shall remain anonymous, I will not state his name … except that it starts with the letter M…

…and ends with a T…

…and sounds like the object you wipe your feet on at the front door, which is exactly what I’d like to do whenever he approaches my table to give me that special, shitty service that only a self-entitled Millennial knows how to give (Add one more T on the end for good measure). 

And speaking of T, if you order tea there, be prepared to get hot, brown water because their tea bags are tiny and once you place it in the teapot, it gets diluted to the point where you’re not even drinking tea, but rather, hot, brown water (I think I may or may not have already said that. Thank God I’m not so moronic as to Tweet about it though). So I explained… very slowly… to Mr. T (no relation) why I needed another tea bag and he was so obsequious in his response, I actually thought I was only going to get halfway shitty service that morning instead of the usual full Monty.

Silly me.

He sweetly stated he would need to charge me an extra $1.75 for another tea bag to which I promptly told him no thank you and to please remove the tea from the bill… because they already charge $3.75 for that hot, brown water. Jesus Christ, even Starbucks only charges you around a buck ninety for a cup ‘o crap! Instead of wasting a tea bag and having to take it off of the bill, he could have easily brought me the extra one without an additional charge, since they should serve actual tea and not brown water. In the process, he would have ingratiated himself to me for his effort to provide good service. But, it was not meant to T… I mean, be.

empty-like-my-experience

Empty, like my experience.

Why do I keep going there, you ask? It’s a fair question and I cannot argue it would be ridiculous of me to keep patronizing a place I clearly do not like. The answer is: The food’s not horrible in a town that has horrible food, and if you know how to order, you can avoid getting ripped off. For instance, if you want a light breakfast, they make really good sourdough toast and it’s a mere $2.25. Plus they grill it instead of putting it in the toaster, and it gives it that nice, smoky flavor that I love in grilled bread. You can also share most any dish because the portions are large. I’d avoid potatoes. They tried to be clever by offering their equivalent of Tater Tots, a disgusting food to begin with, one that’s in line with chicken nuggets, Skittles, and bottled ranch dressing *shudder* but it could’ve worked had they made them in-house. It fails because they’re the commercial, frozen kind, what’s so special about that? Their other choices of potato are equally awful. How can you screw up a potato? Ask Jinky’s! For breakfast, they offer a single pancake, which is such a brilliant idea, but then they ruin it by charging six bucks for the goddamn thing. Six. Bucks. For. One. Pancake? Suck it Jinky’s.

Having Mr. T wait on me was enough to make me not wanna go back… until this morning, that is, when I had a lapse in memory and good judgment. But shockingly, the service wasn’t horrible. Mr. T was nowhere to be found and I actually got decent service from a very nice, well-groomed Latina server… which explains a lot. The place also happened to be almost empty… which explains a lot. The one saving grace for service at Jinky’s is Sergio the busboy. He always has a smile on his face and gets me whatever I need when my server disappears… which is frequently.

So if you’re gonna go, just know ahead of time the service is crappy and know what to order to avoid getting ripped off. Otherwise, in the wise words of the real Mr. T: Pity the fool!

Categories: Best food blog, Breakfast, Brunch, Sarcasm, Satire | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Taco?

Okay, I have a question: Why is it that we have to make every day something to celebrate? You know, the whole “National fill-in-the-blank Day”? Every single day in the calendar year has been designated something “National”. Why do we have to designate anything to a particular day anyway, instead of just enjoying it whenever we feel like it? For instance, the other day was National Milk Chocolate Day (you better believe I was on that goddamn train) and today was National Deviled Eggs Day…

…which explains that weird smell in the office…

…and tomorrow is National Chili Dog Day…

…and you all know how much I hate eating hot dogs (I can just imagine which gender came up with that one)!

If this is going to continue, and it’s glaringly apparent that it’s not going away anytime soon, I say, let me make up my own day. Here it is: I declare there be a National Taco Day starting right now! I mean, if there’s a National Chili Dog Day being forced down my throat, then shouldn’t there be a reasonable expectation that someone should celebrate National Taco Day… by eating taco? You bet your sweet ass there should! If I had my way, It’d be National Taco Day every day of the year… 365!

But I’m not even gonna go there because that’s an exercise in frustration… I can never find someone who knows how to eat a goddamn taco properly in the first place!! 

Someone told me it’s because of the shredded lettuce…

I don’t know if I agree with that though. Supposedly it’s good manners nowadays to serve your taco without shredded lettuce, which personally, I don’t think is normal since tacos automatically come with shredded lettuce. Not that I’ve been eating any tacos… I just happened to have dropped my drawers on my front lawn the other day and someone yelled out “Coyote!

Who’s gonna be the one to stick their hands down there to remove the shredded lettuce anyway? Not the Mexican guy who does my lawn, that’s for goddamn sure, he doesn’t even cut my grass evenly. And maybe he likes shredded lettuce on his tacos anyway. Well I’ll never know because if I don’t like chili dogs, I’m certainly not gonna like chorizo sausage.

But back to the National Milk Chocolate Day thing. I know I’ve discussed the subject of chocolate before but there’s a reason for it. What the reason? It’s chocolate, that’s why.

Anyway I was in one of those dollar stores today… you know the one where they say everything is a buck, but it’s really not since some items are more than a buck, which is bullshit that they call themselves the 99¢ Only Stores then because first of all, most everything is $1, not 99¢, and even some of their items are a few bucks, like their toilet paper, which is more like newspaper without the print. 

20151104_175254

Can you um, take that off?

The reason I keep going there is because sometimes they get these bonus items in their inventory; stuff that you’d find in the regular supermarkets that are triple the price, so it keeps me going back because it’s like a treasure hunt. So when I was in there the other day, I walked down the aisle that’s usually off-limits to myself: the candy aisle. That’s a misnomer because every aisle is the candy aisle in the dollar stores since 99% of their food items are loaded with sugar, hence the name, 99¢ Only Store… but that’s another story, this story is about finding good, quality chocolate; the kind that’s usually super expensive at places like Whole Foods.

I found Green & Black’s organic chocolate there today and it only cost me a buck instead of almost $5… awesome! However, it’s not the regular size bar, it’s a mini… 1.2 ounces, to be exact. That’s why I bought six of them and…

Yes, I said six… excuse me, but that is not excessive… it’s the smaller size dammit! If I were to buy the regular size, it would equal three of the ones I got… so there!

Now I’ve only ever eaten Green & Black’s dark chocolate; this was the first time trying the milk chocolate, and when I got back to my car with my groceries, I wanted to test it out right away, so I greedily stuffed my face with a few squares… okay, the whole goddamn bar, sheesh! But the milk chocolate isn’t like the dark chocolate… it’s sort of, um… sort of… uhhh… well, it’s very um… organic.

Look, I know it’s classified USDA organic chocolate, but what I mean by “organic” is that it’s not as smooth and refined as the dark. It’s like… well, like the classy dark chocolate’s hippie brother… it wears nice clothes and all, but when you look down, it’s got hairy legs… and wears Birkenstocks… hideous! The dark is elegant and smooth, like a clean-shaven James Bond in a fine Armani suit and…

W a i t a second… smoothclean-shaven

My God, now I get it!! Why would anyone want to bite into something with tons of shredded lettuce on it?! Oh thank goodness I got it all straightened out now… all by a chocolate bar, of all things! Thank you Green & Blacks!

Um, does anyone know a good gardener?

Categories: Best food blog, Chocolate, Food, Funny, Humor, Sarcasm, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

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