Posts Tagged With: best food blogs

I Do… Not!

Does it count when you go to a wedding and eat the food and then blog about it? I think it should because it wasn’t catered, it was at an actual restaurant where the reception was held, and my friend, who was the bride, mentioned that she was hoping I was going to blog about it. Well okay, that’s not exactly what she said. She said something to the effect of “Oh watch, this is all going to be mentioned in your blog tomorrow, isn’t it?” to which I replied: “Hmph mmmlurp phsrts.” which was the perfect, vague answer… plus, my mouth was full… plus, she was really drunk anyway… plus she was leaving for her honeymoon the next day… and if she’s reading my blog on her honeymoon, she’s got bigger problems than me writing about the food that was served at her wedding! 

It’s not even worth going to all this trouble anyway because the food was really, really mediocre. But the view… the view was spectacular! We were at the The Harbor restaurant in Santa Barbara, which is on the pier, and it made the whole experience bearable, meaning the food, not the wedding, which luckily, was fantastic, even though they’re suckers for doing it. But I love weddings because they bring out the best and worst in everyone, and you’ll be witness to a most unusual occurrence that… that… occurs only at weddings and funerals: starting out as an almost perfectly normal moron, then adding alcohol and becoming an idiotic moron with a social behavioral problem and bad breath. 

Like marriage, only just as awful.

Like marriage, only just as awful.

Yeah, true story! I’ve been to many and can personally testify to witnessing this phenomen… phenomenal… phenomen, phen… phenomena…


Anyway, I had potato crusted salmon *yawn* and it had a sauce that vaguely tasted like lobster and served on a bed of… *yawn* potatoes. I know, I know, I usually love potatoes! I love ‘em so much I’d marry ‘em! But really, this dish was just soooo boring, and who wants to be married to boredom? Apparently, a lot of people… but anyway, the view really makes this restaurant worth a visit… if you wanna spend a lot of money sitting in a restaurant eating mediocre, potato crusted salmon, which, if you think about it, is an activity that closely resembles marriage.

I was also asked if I was going to blog about the food served to me by this really nice couple that I had never met before, who were the friends of a very special friend of mine, and who invited us over for dinner. Well they were jokingly saying they were worried I was going to blog about the dinner they prepared, and of course, I told them I wouldn’t, because I only write about food I buy, and not about food that’s given to me, which, turns out, isn’t really true because I’m blogging about it right now. And I’m blogging about it because I didn’t have time to go out to eat anywhere this week due to all of my social obligations; wedding, dinner at a stranger’s house and watching porn through the window of my neighbor’s house.

So the nice couple made this delicious seared ahi and… okay, I know some of you are thinking: “Yawn… ahi, really?” or wait… maybe that’s my brain… but anyway, I never turn down a fresh piece of deliciously prepared ahi; I just never get sick of it. So they coated this giant piece of deep ruby colored, delicious ahi with sesame seeds, garlic and some spices and it was perfectly seared and executed! In fact, it was better than any ahi I’ve had at any restaurant or sushi bar… possibly ever! I know that’s a bold statement and really, I’m making it in the chances that the nice couple are reading this and want to invite me over again. Plus, they also had beautiful children, and a fabulous place, very stylishly decorated, with spectacular views from their equally stylish rooftop patio! Plus, they were stylish… and super nice… and had excellent taste in friends… and wine!


Anyway, the dinner was so good, it was hard to believe they were married! So to them, I say I do, when I don’t, but I will… and to my dear friend who said “I do”… I can’t… not again. So if you’re gonna do this again, don’t… or at least, don’t ask me to come.

The Harbor Restaurant

210 Stearns Wharf

Santa Barbara, CA



Categories: Food, Humor, Love, Satire, Seafood | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Hell On Wheels!

I just moved.

Moving takes perseverance, focus, and determination… oh, and a couple of suckers and a godammned truck! Well I didn’t have a truck but my neighbor did, so we used hers… and a couple of her suckers. I think I was supposed to be more appreciative than I was since everyone took time out of their day to help, but all I could think about was how they were touching all of my things with their filthy hands, and how if they’d have broken anything, would I be able to scream and call them goddamned morons? It was really stressful!

There are really only two things that a truck’s good for anyway, and obviously, one of them is moving. I can’t remember what the other one is. Sex maybe. But one should never, ever eat off of a truck. This whole craze of food trucks, I just don’t get it. It’s not like they’re new or anything, food trucks have been around since I was little, except back then, they weren’t “gourmet”, it was fried crap and Mexican food.

Well it’s still fried crap and Mexican food, as well as a bunch of other stuff. My friend, Triple D, and I went to Food Truck Thursdays in a little pothole of a town that I’ve talked about before with a name that resembles cows balls. Yep, Oxnard. Get it? Ox-nard? Men refer to balls as nards, right? At least, that’s what I’ve overheard… but anyway, yeah we went there and I had high expectations, which is stupid because why would I have high expectations when I’m going to eat off a truck…

…in a town named after a cows balls?!

I should have known it was going to be a bust as soon as we pulled up because we got a parking spot right up front, which is never a good sign. I’ve seen the t.v. shows on food trucks and they make ’em look so good, but those are usually in places like San Francisco, New York, or Austin, Texas, not… Oxnard, CA. That’s like saying: “Hey, let’s go to Salinas for the great scenery!” Nobody in their right mind ever goes to Salinas, for crying out loud, it’s just a stop-over on your way to the really beautiful places like Monterey and Carmel, where all the white people are.

Oxnard is known for only a couple of things: Mexicans, the strawberries that the Mexicans pick, and now, Food Truck Thursdays. Actually, I think it’s already known for food trucks because Oxnard’s full of food trucks, like the ones I mentioned before. I mean, they’re the ones that drive ‘em, so food trucks represent just another day at work for the folks in Oxnard! No wonder there weren’t that many people there…

My buns weren't steamed over this one

My buns weren’t steamed over this one

I had some type of Taiwanese/Filipino food from my truck, although I couldn’t tell you what it was called. It had all these weird ingredients, like the bastard child of Southeast Asian cuisine, and the only reason I chose this particular truck, is because there was no line, because I hate waiting in lines! It was called the Steamy Bun Truck (Lord knows there’s a lot to go off of on that one, but I’ll spare you this time). Triple D decided on, get this: empanadas. Really? Now there’s a big friggin’ suprise; to get a Latin dish… in Oxnard… from a food truck! Wow, I woulda never guessed!

Those turned out to be the most flavorful of the three dishes we got, the third being sweet potato fries, and get this: the truck didn’t have any salt. Yeah, you heard me; no goddamned salt! How can you be a food truck and serve fried potatoes and not have any goddamned salt?! Why? How does that happen? Do they normally just move furniture in their goddamned truck and cook food in it on Thursdays in Oxnard?!

Needless to say, the only way I’m going back to Oxnard is for… well I can’t think of a single reason to go back to Oxnard. Oh wait, there is one; if I ever need to buy a used truck, which will be… never.

Food Truck Thursdays

1st Thursday Monthly

Heritage Square, 715 South A St.


Categories: Asian, Food, Humor, Mexican, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

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