Posts Tagged With: best food blogs 2014

Loathe Thy Neighbor

So there’s this site called NextDoor.com, a neighborhood-specific social networking site where you join your own neighborhood and other, neighboring… uh… neighborhoods, and get to know everyone that lives around you. You know… neighbors… but anyway, you do it online, not in person, which, for me, is perfect!

Just because I don’t know all my neighbors by now and have to go online to this site to meet everybody, doesn’t mean I have a social problem you know. I just know what I like (food, sex) and what I don’t like (people, morons) so I guess I’m just a Girl (Clever) that happens to know what she likes!

This online thing is a great way of getting to know your neighbors and not seeing them or having to speak to them directly, which would only lead to arguments over things like their goddamn leaf blower making too much goddamn noise… or their snotty-nosed brats screaming in the middle of the day… oh, and the goddamn dog barking all the time… and, and must you have your loud friends over every goddamn Sunday?! Seriously, why do you allow your kids to leave their bikes and toys strewn all over the front lawn? Can’t you fix that sprinkler since it’s wasting water?… and finally, do you have to park that goddamn shitty car right in front of my house? Why can’t you park it down the street in front of Mr. Smith’s house? It’s a whole lot shittier looking than mine?! Why, huh? HUH?!

Right now the site is doing this thing called “Celebrate Good Neighbors”. It’s where you get to post something nice about something your neighbor/s did for you, and thank them:

“Hey neighbor! Thanks for all your help this past year, taking out my trash cans while I was away, watering my lawn, helping me fix my roof, you know, all that neat stuff. Just wanted to say “Thanks” here online… on this social networking site… because I’m too goddamn lazy to walk next door and thank you in person… and I don’t wanna see you anyway. Hope you enjoyed this message!”

Perfect.

What do you say about your neighbors when you don’t really know any of them, or are only having sex with them and don’t know their last names though? I don’t need to know their last names. Who ever calls their neighbors by Mr. Smith anymore anyway? I mean, rea…

Nevermind.

At least I always wave to the little Chinese kid when his parents take him for a walk, isn’t that good enough? Why do I have to announce it online and thank them for waving back… and being Chinese? Or maybe they’re Japanese… or… gosh, I’m not sure what they are. I wish they’d get on this stupid site and announce what kind of people they are. I mean, don’t I have the right to know who the hell is living next door to me?! What if they’re terrorists? Maybe I should sneak over late at night and look through their garbage and discarded mail and peer into their windows so I can know exactly who these people are and what they’re doing here in our precious little country! Look, the NSA is doing it, so that must mean that’s it’s legal and ethical and…

…wait a minute… maybe they’re spying on me! Maybe that’s why they walk by my house every day with the little kid…. maybe that kid is just a decoy! You know how clever those Chinese are, they’re good at everything… AND, they’re beating us at our own game! That’s if they’re even Chinese!

Shit.roasted veg

I had to ponder all this stuff over some food since I was hungry and I never think clearly unless my piehole has been sufficiently stuffed with nourishment that’s hopefully friggin’ delicious. I ended up in Agoura Hills of all places (talk about asshole neighbors) and they’ve been upgrading their strip malls and building more sterile, cookie-cutter shopping centers so that white people can feel more safe and secure when spending all their money on useless items. I was at the “old” mall, the Whizin’s shopping center, which is the bastard child of Agoura Hills since it hasn’t been updated since, like 1892… but they have some really, really cool, overpriced places there!

I’ve been wanting to eat at Blue Table for a while now since their food always looks really good. They call themselves a gourmet deli/market/wine bar. It’s got a deli case, hot and cold sammys, entrees, and stuff you can buy and take home with you, like homemade desserts and pasta. You know how you go to a place that’s got a deli case and all the food looks sooo delicious, then you get it, it’s not as tasty as it looked in the deli case? Well, this was my experience… sort of… but it’s not all their fault since I ordered oven-roasted veggies, when what I really wanted was the delicious-looking masterpiece called a Timpano.

Timpano is a dish that has tube pasta, cheese and sauce, and sometimes other stuff like meats, veggies or egg, and baked in some type of dough, like a big, fat, oversized Quiche! Italians are always bigger than the French… in so many ways! But maybe not as big as Colombians… hmm… but anyway… I really wanted thatbut didn’t get it because my stomach had been on protest the past few days, so I opted for the stupid veggies instead. It’s not that they were bad… just not great. The roasted veggies weren’t roasted enough, and the brussels sprouts, which could have been amazing with their orange zest and sweet vermouth, were undercooked and hard as bullets. I should have asked them to heat my dish since everything was served cold; it would’ve been much better warm. But I took the leftovers home and put the brussels sprouts on the BBQ the next evening… and they were fantastic! 

The only other thing that bothered me about the place, was the big communal table in the middle of the seating area. First off, the word “communal” is a little too close to the word “communist” for me… and do I have to get to know my neighbors everywhere I go?

The Blue Table

28912 Roadside Drive

Agoura Hills, CA

818.597.2583

Categories: Brunch, Food, Humor, Pastries, Sandwiches, Satire | Tags: , , , , , | 5 Comments

You Say Tomato, I Say, Shut The Hell Up!

Please help me understand something: why don’t some people go to English class so that they can learn to use the English language properly? Is it that difficult? Okay yes, I realize the English language is the most difficult language to learn… but should that stop you?

Take, for instance, the word: buoy. It’s pronounced: boy. Now many of you probably have a confused look on your face right at this very moment because you’re thinking “Oh… well I thought it was pronounced boo-ee?”…

…but you’d be wrong, horribly wrong. That stupid pronunciation entered our vernacular because some stupid moron decided that “boo-ee” sounded so much more fun than boring ol’ “boy”, so they changed it, for no goddamn reason, and it just caught on, which just goes to show you many morons there really are in the world… and how many of those morons are English teachers!

Just take a look at any grade school English work book from say… about 40 years or so ago, and you’ll see that they used word association with pictures back then, and they always, always associated the word buoy, with a goddamn picture of a goddamn boy, and they couldn’t associate it with a goddamn picture of goddamn boo-ee, because there is no such thing! And just to make sure all this hits home, you don’t pronounce the word “buoyant” as “boo-eeant”, do you? DO YOU?!

There’s also the word “snuck”, which has entered the dictionary as slang (God help us) but it shouldn’t be there because it’s not a word. “Sneaked” would be the proper word, as in “I sneaked into the kitchen the other day and stuffed my goddamn piehole with delicious food!” Not, “I snuck out the back door after having sex with my goddamn neighbor while his wife was away!”

I hate to move on to something else since I’m not really a stickler for such trivialities, but since I have your attention, I’d like to get these common mistakes corrected while I’m here:

Contractions No, these are not what you have when you’re pregnant or have diarrhea, these are words that are contracted from a longer form, for say, convenience purposes. Words such as:

Shouldn’t – Should not

Couldn’t – Could not

Should’ve – Should have

Would’ve – Would have

NOT: should of… would of!

I’m cringing right now. I see that mistake all over the place, like the internet, in email, and on some greeting cards: “I should of read your blog…” Instead of: “I should’ve read your blog and now I feel like an asshole!”

Here’s another one:

Mixing up “You’re” and “Your”.

“You’re” is a contraction of “You are”

You are one-of-a-kind!

You’re one-of-a-kind!

Not, “Your one-of-a-kind”

Your horrible English is getting on my nerves! (take note: there is no contraction for your).

Holy moly, it's Poli!

Holy moly, it’s Poli!

So when I went for my favorite meal (breakfast) the other day at Pete’s Breakfast House in Ventura, I ordered their special, The Poli, since it sounded delicious! It’s their take on a Cali-style Benedict, and they make it with creamy avocado, sweet tomato, jack cheese and poached eggs on an English muffin… (English muffin, not moron muffin). Once again, the problem was the pronunciation; they said it’s pronounced “pole-eye”, but I think that’s wrong. People with dyslexia might mix it up with the word piehole, can you imagine?! I think it’s pronounced pol-ee, as in: Roly poly, fat and holy, I am perfect and you’re a goddamn moron!

ahem.

Anyway, their potatoes were perfect too. You know how most places overcook their breakfast potatoes, and you end up with a burned, sloppy mess on your plate that you can’t discern? Well they don’t do that at Pete’s, they just get confused on their English. No, their potatoes are perfect and I’m completely impressed since they’re extremely busy for breakfast, yet manage to execute each dish with perfection, and I know they execute each dish perfectly because The Poli was so yummy, I ordered a second one, and it came out exactly the same as the first. Don’t you think that’s impressive? No, no, not me ordering the two breakfasts… impressive that they made two exact dishes, exactly the same?!

So git yer ass on ovur to Petes fer sum yumy brekfest, ya doggone peepl!

Pete’s Breakfast House

2055 East Main Street

Ventura, CA

805.648.1130

Categories: Breakfast, Brunch, Food, Humor, Satire, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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