Posts Tagged With: best food blogs 2013

Love, Italian-Style

So there’s this really cute, young checkout guy at the supermarket; he’s tall with dark hair and amazing green eyes, and we’re always chatty with each other, which gives me false hope that he’s interested. Anyway, he’s always asking me about food and what’s good and what’s not, so it’s a good excuse to make frequent trips to get supplies that I don’t need, and I can get in his line and drool over him!

Well I hadn’t gone in for a long time because the last time I was there, I was feeling particularly delusional, and I slipped him my telephone number… and he never called (which was a big surprise) so to save face, I avoided going altogether. That is, until the other day, when I just had to see him again, and of course I didn’t need anything in particular and I was on my way to a party, so I just quickly grabbed a banana and got in his line without even thinking!

Well let me just tell you this; if you have a crush on the cute checkout guy at the supermarket that you flirt with, who’s much younger than you, you should never, ever get in his line just to buy a banana because it’s totally obvious! Well he stared at the banana for a moment and I looked away pretending that something else caught my eye, and then our eyes met but we didn’t say anything to each other because what the hell can you say about a goddamned banana except the obvious?! So if you’re gonna stalk the young checkout guy at the supermarket, I suggest buying some alcohol because at least you’ll look like you’re there to buy something legitimate and not just getting in line to gawk at something you can never have! Then you can go get drunk and cry over how ridiculous a goddamned banana is!!


Way better than a banana!

Way better than a banana!

Okay, strawberries.

I had some the other night in a cocktail and it was one of the most delicious cocktails I’ve ever had! I went to this restaurant in Oxnard and… Jesus Christ, I wish they would change that horrible name… who the hell wants to live and dine in a place with a name that sounds like a set of cow balls? They should call it Oxford, no one uses that name.

Now as you all know, I love Italian food, and this place was just too much to resist. I know, who cares? There are thousands of Italian restaurants in this damn county and we don’t really need anymore, right? Well, we have lots of mediocre (or downright awful) Italian restaurants, but very few great ones. And, we have even fewer great ones that are reasonably priced! In fact, I’m not sure that I’ve ever found one that was reasonably priced and great…

…until now.

Of course, if you open a great Italian restaurant in Oxnard, you’d better be ready to have reasonable prices because who wants to eat at a fabulous Italian restaurant in Oxnard, for crying out loud?!

I’m going to write about one of their cocktails first, and then move on to tell you about the food I ate, which you may have already guessed, was pizza. The place is called Settebello and I’m sure some of you will have difficulty pronouncing it, just like the other Italian words you mispronounce (and like my Russian name) but I’ve learned to live with it. Just don’t refer to mozzarella cheese as moozarella because that’s not how you goddamned say it!!

Anyway they made me this delicious cocktail with strawberries called The Amalfi Coast, and I drank the entire thing, plus my companion’s (she didn’t like it anyway) It’s also got Flor de Caña rum, Campari, St. Elizabeth Allspice Dram, lime and Demerara sugar, and it was so good, I’d drive all the way back to CowBalls to have another one!

But did I mention that their pizza was amazingly delicious and only ten bucks? They import the flour, olive oil and tomatoes from Italy, so it’s super authentic Neapolitan-style pizza, which means the crust was thin, slightly charred on the outside, with a slight chewy bite, like a good crust is supposed to be. The tomato sauce was made with sweet, fruity San Marzano tomatoes, and it was all topped off with creamy mozzarella bufala and fresh basil. When it came out, it was all melty and bubbly and crusty and chewy from the wood-fired oven and (oh boy, I’m really hungry now) and I stuffed it in my pizzapiehole and it completely, temporarily made me forget all about Mr. Dreamy Supermarket Checkout Guy!

So what’s the moral of this story? Eat pizza, not bananas!


The Collection at Riverpark

2760 Seaglass Way

Oxnard, CA

(805) 988-1095

Categories: Alcohol, Food, Humor, Pizza | Tags: , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Top Ten Things That Gave Me A Bellyache This Year

10. The food re-gift. Hey, thanks for gifting me that stale food product that you were given the year before so you could simultaneously relieve any gift-guilt you had, and clean out your food pantry! Next year, don’t get me anything, that’ll be my favorite gift from you, ever!

9. Getting a dish that’s missing an ingredient, like the Chicken Tortilla Soup I once had that didn’t have chicken in it. Oh but wait, you added it, then charged me for it. Yeah, it really happened.

8. Health foods that have always been around, yet for some reason, are taking headlining spots: kale, coconut water (don’t get that one), berries, fish oil, chia seeds, et al. How about eating everything in moderation as a healthy lifestyle? “Uh yeah, I’ll have an order of the fried potatoes please.”

7. Beer pairings. How many craft beers do we really need that have essence of freshly cut hay that’ll go with my sliders?  “Hey bartender, gimme a Bud!”

6. Sliders.

5. Enough, Top Chef! Your chef-testants are boring morons and you consistently choose men as the winner in an already male-dominated field… so, please pack your knives and go already!

4. The Food Network. Or, should I call it, The Flay, Rachael, Giada, Fieri network? How about some new talent Food Network, I’m sick of ’em and aren’t they rich enough already?

3. Food poisoning. I know this is elementary, but it still happens, and unfortunately, mostly to people who eat food. The ordinance California created to address food borne illness in restaurants that cost taxpayers and food service workers millions, isn’t working. Just ask my stomach.

2. Inconsistency. By going to a particular place to get a particular dish that I really enjoyed the first time, only to get it the second time, and it’s not the same dish. So you treat me like I’m a moron and think I won’t notice. Guess what? You’re the moron since I did notice, wrote about it, and won’t be returning.

1. Food blogs.

Categories: Humor, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

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