Posts Tagged With: best food blog 2015

Heartbreak Hotel

I always wondered what bored billionaires do. Because if you think about it, they’ve probably done it all, right? Jumped out of airplanes (morons), rode elephants, sailed around the world in a boat (morons), bought tropical islands, rubbed elbows with the stars (morons) and collected every vehicle they dreamt about since they were little… just to name a few things. Well, I found out what one of ‘em does when I went to his hotel to have lunch the other day at the Four Seasons Westlake Village.

Now before I go on, just take that in for a moment…

…Four Seasons Westlake Village.

To me, that’s another moron… an oxymoron.  

There’s the Four Seasons London, the Four Season Tokyo, the Four Seasons Milan, the Four Seasons St. Petersburg, the Four Seasons Paris, the Four Seasons Hong Kong (just to name a few), and the Four Seasons… Westlake Village. Do you hear that slow, steady, high-pitched squeaking? That’s hot air seeping out of a deflating balloon. Or the taco I ate yesterday… one of the two.

If you were to utter “How disappointing” right at this moment, it would be a major understatement.

My point is, who the hell in their right mind goes to vacation in Westlake friggin’ Village?! This “Dole” guy, the one who owns the hotel, thinks there are a lot of people who would. The Dole to which I’m referring is… yep, the pineapple guy! I can’t make this shit up, people. A canned pineapple guy wants world-traveling jet-setters to come to Westlake Village to vacation. And apparently, to hold onto their youth too, because the hotel is a “Longevity Center and Spa” as well as a hotel managed by a world-class company.

*snicker*      *snort*       *guffaw*

Okay, okay I have to admit, WLV (Westlake Village) competes with BH (Beverly Hills) for the most nips, tucks and sucks for both men and women, and the only natural breasts you’re gonna find there are the ones on the fresh roasted turkey at Gelson’s supermarket, so I get the “longevity” thing. But there’s nothing world-class about WLV. Unless you consider The Housewives’ franchise compelling television, then it’s world-class.

So this bored billionaire has a hotel, and let me just say this: He has zero taste; the place is hideous. As you enter, it almost takes your breath away… and not in a good way either. You initially have hope that it’s going to be spectacular, then you see a giant, ornate crystal chandelier juxtaposed with what can only be described as “stuffy lawyer’s office” decor. It’s like a cross between Bette Midler, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.

Like I said, hideous.

I went there to luncheon with… Jesus Christ, I just said “luncheon”… this kooky doctor who practices Functional Medicine, whatever the hell that means! I guess it’s some new-age, hocus-pocus healing practice where they align your chakras, stick needles in your face, and then try to sell you Amway. 

boulders

Amway… I mean, anyway, forget why I was there with a kooky, new-age doctor, let’s talk about the food. 

I ordered a sandwich.

Now if I thought 10 bucks was a lot of dough *snicker* for a shitty sandwich, like the one in my last post, this one was astronomical. It was double the price, which nearly gave me a goddamn heart attack! Luckily I was luncheon…ing with a doctor, even if she was kooky.

I ordered their vegetarian sandwich on account of I was still trying to eat healthily. Well forget that shit because as soon as they brought out some bread and butter, I was in it to win it! That was a mistake. As soon as I bit into a piece I almost chipped a tooth on the stuff; it was like hard leather! They happen to offer dentistry services there at the “Longevity” center, so I guess they start out your stay by breaking some of your goddamn teeth. What lacked in tenderness though was made up for with absolutely nothing because the flavor was awful too. 

My sandwich was composed of grilled eggplant and portabella with fennel slaw, swiss cheese, sprouts, arugula pesto and a spicy harrissa vinaigrette served on tomato foccaccia. Sounds delicious, right? Well it shoulda been, but somehow Dole managed to make it completely tasteless, and really, it makes complete sense because we’re talking about someone who makes canned pineapple for a living. Plus his decor is tasteless, so there you go. The eggplant and portabella were dry and rubbery, so when I bit into it with my now fragile teeth, it was like biting into a bicycle tire. I couldn’t discern any fennel slaw or arugula pesto flavor either, and harrissa, which is normally a gorgeous, fruity, spicy pepper relish with tons of flavor, was dumbed down with mayonnaise; hardly a “vinaigrette” as they called it. The greens that were served on the side were delicious, but there were dry because the dressing was pooled at the bottom of the plate, and I have yet to meet someone who doesn’t want to toss my salad.

The only thing that saved this dish was the view overlooking the waterfall made from the gigantic boulders that the Dole guy had supposedly transported from Thailand. That was nice. I guess. 

So that answers my question about what bored billionaires do after they’ve done it all. They open hotels and serve bland food.

How boring.

Four Seasons Hotel, Lobby Lounge restaurant

Two Dole Drive

Westlake Village, CA

818.575.3000

Categories: Best food blog, Food, Funny, Humor, Sandwiches, Sarcasm, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , | 6 Comments

It’s A Man’s World, Wiener Just In It

Have you ever noticed how many objects there are in the world that resemble a man’s um… a man’s uhhh… a man’s… hockey stick? In fact, even a hockey stick resembles one! A broken one perhaps, but one just the same. Why, we’re absolutely swallowed up in phallic symbolism everywhere we turn!

For instance, I was at my favorite place getting a delicious coffee this morning (decaf, on account of my outbursts) when I noticed a man doing landscaping… with a leaf blower… which isn’t really landscaping as much as it is GODDAMN LOUD AND ANNOYING!!…

…and he was holding his “leaf blower” in front of him, down low, right around the crotch area, and he was swinging it from side to side… as I would imagine a man would do with that kind of thing in his hands… and it made me realize just how many dicks there are out there!

Most of ’em live here in my quaint little town and drive BMWs, Teslas, Jaguars, Mercedeseseses… ahem, Range Rovers and Audis, but you can spot ’em in any ‘ol car on the GODDAMN FREEWAY OR ROAD, STARTING FROM 2 PM WHEN THEY PICK UP THEIR SNOTTY NOSED BRATS WHO ARE TOO FAT, SPOILED, OR LAZY TO WALK TO AND FROM SCHOOL!!

Wow, this decaf tastes really bold!

Anyway, we live in a man’s world and they happen to design a lot of this crap, so it makes sense that a lot of objects we use in daily life would look just like one. Look around you right this minute and tell me that you don’t see at least one giant dick right in front of your face…

What? No, I didn’t see anything! I wasn’t trying to get personal it was… it was meant to be a metaphor and… well how the hell was I supposed to know that you were in the middle of… well maybe next time you should double-check that your computer camera is turned off!

Dickface.

Where was I? Oh yes, wieners… so first it was the hamburger that was getting all the attention with the stupid “sliders” trend… now it’s the hot dog. Watch, they’ll probably come up with a hot dog slider, which personally, I would call “dog sled”, a brilliant moniker that I just came up with, for another possible, yet stupid, trend. You can bet your sweet cheeks that’ll be on every menu next month, courtesy of Clever Girl, since I always come up with the best ideas! Why the hell am I a poor, lowly food writer, Jesus?!

Honey, is that you?

Honey, is that you?

Anyway, I see those damn places everywhere. In my neck of the branch, they have several joints where you can get a wiener, not including Hot Dog on a Stick, Wienerschnitzel, or the Thai massage place on T.O. Blvd…

ahem.

Take a look at all these joints:

Dayne’s Chicago Beef and Dawgs – midwest meat.

Lucky’s Dog House – he ended up in a sausage, how lucky could he be?

Jersey Dogs – you don’t wanna mess with these dicks!

Hog Diggity Dog – really?

Dog Haus – wow, that’s original.

Metro Dogs – avoid this one if you’re unsure what your preference is.

Smiley’s Hot Dogs – how can you smile with that thing in your mouth?

Herbs Heavenly Hotdogs – I have no idea…

Cupid’s Hot Dogs – open wide, aim and shoot!

I used to be able to shove those things down my throat, no problem. But that was when I was young, eager and into eating those kinds of things. Now I can’t even look at one, much less think about sticking one in my mouth!

Burp… oh excuse me.

No, I actually haven’t patronized one of these places because hot dogs just aren’t my thing, if you haven’t already guessed, so if you’re craving a wiener, you’ll just have to go to one of these joints yourself and figure out which one you like best.

But I’d do it quickly because just as fast as all these hot dog joints are popping up, they’ll deflate just as fast as you can say “Hold the mustard!” 

Categories: Food, Funny, Humor, Satire | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

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