Posts Tagged With: best food blog 2014

Hot Loaf of… Crazy

Stupid good – a phrase meaning something that is so delicious, it renders the eater “stupid, because it’s so good” Hmm… clever, yet stupid.

Crazy good – a phrase that apparently meant something to the person who penned the phrase, yet goes completely beyond my comprehension since crazy is never good.

At least, I would assume. I mean, I know absolutely nothing about crazy since I’ve never encountered crazy before *snort*

Crazy is just an abstract idea to me *snicker*

Crazy? Never met ‘im…. heeheehee!

Crazy? Hey, I only happen to live in California, drive on L.A. freeways, and eat ridiculous food, why in the hell would I know anything about crazy?! Hahahaha!

At least, in my book crazy is never good. I don’t know, maybe some stupid morons nowadays think crazy is good. Just look at all the crap we have on the internet! That’s crazy, so maybe it is good… to some stupid morons, like I said.

So is it crazy for me to drive all the way up to Carpinteria… only to get some bread? Is it crazy for me to drive all the way up to Carpinteria, get some bread, and pay 6 dollars for it? Is it crazy for me to drive all the way up to Carpinteria, get some bread, pay 6 bucks for it, and discover it’s not even worth it because I can get bread that is just as good, if not better, than their bread, without even leaving town?! You bet your ass, it’s crazy, why the hell would I do that?! Why would you?! Well, you shouldn’t. Not unless you’re a complete moron who reads crazy shit on the internet, and if you’re reading this… right now… on the internet… you certainly don’t fall under that category…


Anyway, I was up in Carpinteria, which is an adorable little beach enclave north of here; a place the residents don’t want you to know about, in case you’re thinking of moving there and ruining it, just like all the assholes did here in Thousand Oaks, which used to be my quaint little town that has been ruined by… people. 

But as I was saying, the residents in Carpinteria would like to keep their quaint little town… little. So don’t move there. But by all means yes, visit their businesses and pay exorbitant prices on their goods. Like crazy, goddamn bread, for instance.

For some reason, over the past 15 years, the price of wheat has gone way up, which means that the price of things that used made out of wheat that were inexpensive (bread, pasta, Amish clothing), are now super-expensive (bread, pasta, Amish clothing), which is bizarre, since the crazy, mad scientists at evil Monsanto have figured out a way to make a “super-wheat” which resists mold, freezing temperatures, and actors looking to avoid carbs. 


Packaging by Monsanto

Yes, bread is apparently more special up in Carpinteria, “Carp” to the locals, which is not an attractive name, by the way. Have you seen a carp lately? There’s one bread company in particular that thinks it’s more special and should charge more: Crazy Good Bread Company. Yeah, it’s crazy alright; it’s not that good and it’s overpriced.

They make several kinds of breads daily that you can sample. The day I was there, I tried their country-style white bread with M&Ms. Yep, you heard me: M&Ms in the bread. It was colorful, it was interesting, but it wasn’t that good, and you know why? You couldn’t really taste the M&Ms because, get this: they goddamn melt! Yeah, I know, hard to believe, but bread goes into an oven, which is hot, so chocolate will melt; a concept I think, that is lost on them. 

Either that, or they’re smoking some serious bong loads up in Carp! It’s crazy trying to go into the minds of people like that, but this is probably how it went down:

“Dude, I found these leftover M&Ms in my pocket from last night. Let’s put ’em into the dough and bake it, kinda like how we’re totally baked right now!”

“Awesome Dude, let’s try it!”

Sometime later:

“Wow, they completely melted. I’m soo bummed.”

“That’s a bummer, dude.”

Why not spread some chocolate onto the bread AFTER it comes out of the oven, how’s that for an idea, Jeff Spicoli

Maybe I am crazy because I actually bought a loaf of their sourdough, even though I didn’t think it was anything special. What’s even crazier is I didn’t ask how much it cost first, so when they told me, I nearly crapped out my sample of M&M bread, but by then I felt obligated to buy it because they had already wrapped it up for me. Stupid crazy, right? Well that’ll never happen again, I don’t care how cheap I look, I’m asking the price before I reach for any sample from now on! Next time, I’ll say I left my wallet in the car and make a run for it. That way, I won’t even look cheap, just fast!

Their motto at the Crazy Good Bread Company:

Bliss. Disguised as bread.

Really? I got a better one. How about:

Dissed, disguised as bread.


Pissed you paid a lot for this bread.

Crazy Good Bread Co.

4191 Carpinteria Ave #12
Carpinteria, CA


Categories: Food, Humor, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Road Kill

Hope springs eternal. That’s why I hope to never go on a Girls’ Weekend without a can of pepper spray again.

You know that saying: “You never really know someone until you travel with them”? Well I’m the one that came up with that one. Yep, just made it up from experience. But listen, it’s not all bad traveling with someone you thought you knew, as long as you limit your time with crazy. Just don’t go past the danger zone, which is 2 days… 3 days tops. Two would be preferable because at day two, you still don’t have the temptation to stab the annoying culprit in the neck while simultaneously spitting in their eyeball.

Another annoying fact is that when you’re traveling, the food isn’t the greatest either. I never pass up the opportunity to drive right past a roadside diner or greasy spoon without stopping. Not because I’m a snob, but because I prefer to limit my bacterial infections to two a year.

So when I decided to go to Mammoth Lakes this past week with some crazy bitch girlfriends, I had totally forgotten that I should prepare myself for some very mediocre food. Normally, I would bring my own, but I was so stupidly excited about getting away from it all with the girls, it had slipped my temporarily-insane mind… and I say that with the nicest of meanings because think about it: who in their right mind wants to cram four women into a vehicle, drive five hours, and have nothing good to eat?! I mean, that’s not normal, is it? Who came up with the idea of a Girls’ Weekend anyway, Satan?


Holy schat, it’s delicious!

But there was shining beacon of hope (there’s that stupid word again), and that was Schat’s Bakkery. Now, from my understanding, the word shat is actually the past participle of the word shit, even though it doesn’t end in “ed”. Hmm, maybe it’s just past tense, not past participle because then the word would be shatted… or shitted, which I don’t think is a word. Some people think that the word shat isn’t really a word, but it’s used in Great Britain so it’s… oh who gives a shit!

or should I say, shat?! *snicker*

Anyway, this bakkery (their spelling, not mine) contains a plethora of sugar-inflected carbs, masses of doughy delights, giant bins of bread-ey goodness! They have rows upon rows of anything that has to do with bread or baking! Those crazy Dutch sure know how to bake, too, which is good because they aren’t good for much else. There was so much to choose from, it was difficult to decide what I wanted. Ultimately I got the pull-apart bread, which is a sweet treat chock-a-block with cinnamon (yuk, but it works here) and other goodies. The one I got is topped with caramel-ey brown sugar and nuts and butter and other yummy stuff, and the bread is segmented so you pull it apart to eat it, hence the name, which made it so much more fun than a weekend away with the goddamn crazy bit… anyway, it wasn’t too sweet either and was perfect with massive slatherings of butter (un-salted please).

We all ended up buying something different to so we got to try a few different things, which was great since it was difficult to choose just one or two, and I never pass up an opportunity to stuff my piehole with various sweets. Even the devil’s spawn gave me some of her orange pound cake to try and luckily, it didn’t taste bitter in the least!

So if you’re on a road trip with the girls and things get tense, sweeten things up a bit and go to Schat’s Bakkery, because right across the street is a place where you can get a can of pepper spray. You know, just in case.

Schat’s Bakkery

763 N. Main Street

Bishop, CA


Categories: Desserts, Food, Humor, Pastries, Satire | Tags: , , , , , | 7 Comments

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