Posts Tagged With: best eggs benedict

You Say Tomato, I Say, Shut The Hell Up!

Please help me understand something: why don’t some people go to English class so that they can learn to use the English language properly? Is it that difficult? Okay yes, I realize the English language is the most difficult language to learn… but should that stop you?

Take, for instance, the word: buoy. It’s pronounced: boy. Now many of you probably have a confused look on your face right at this very moment because you’re thinking “Oh… well I thought it was pronounced boo-ee?”…

…but you’d be wrong, horribly wrong. That stupid pronunciation entered our vernacular because some stupid moron decided that “boo-ee” sounded so much more fun than boring ol’ “boy”, so they changed it, for no goddamn reason, and it just caught on, which just goes to show you many morons there really are in the world… and how many of those morons are English teachers!

Just take a look at any grade school English work book from say… about 40 years or so ago, and you’ll see that they used word association with pictures back then, and they always, always associated the word buoy, with a goddamn picture of a goddamn boy, and they couldn’t associate it with a goddamn picture of goddamn boo-ee, because there is no such thing! And just to make sure all this hits home, you don’t pronounce the word “buoyant” as “boo-eeant”, do you? DO YOU?!

There’s also the word “snuck”, which has entered the dictionary as slang (God help us) but it shouldn’t be there because it’s not a word. “Sneaked” would be the proper word, as in “I sneaked into the kitchen the other day and stuffed my goddamn piehole with delicious food!” Not, “I snuck out the back door after having sex with my goddamn neighbor while his wife was away!”

I hate to move on to something else since I’m not really a stickler for such trivialities, but since I have your attention, I’d like to get these common mistakes corrected while I’m here:

Contractions No, these are not what you have when you’re pregnant or have diarrhea, these are words that are contracted from a longer form, for say, convenience purposes. Words such as:

Shouldn’t – Should not

Couldn’t – Could not

Should’ve – Should have

Would’ve – Would have

NOT: should of… would of!

I’m cringing right now. I see that mistake all over the place, like the internet, in email, and on some greeting cards: “I should of read your blog…” Instead of: “I should’ve read your blog and now I feel like an asshole!”

Here’s another one:

Mixing up “You’re” and “Your”.

“You’re” is a contraction of “You are”

You are one-of-a-kind!

You’re one-of-a-kind!

Not, “Your one-of-a-kind”

Your horrible English is getting on my nerves! (take note: there is no contraction for your).

Holy moly, it's Poli!

Holy moly, it’s Poli!

So when I went for my favorite meal (breakfast) the other day at Pete’s Breakfast House in Ventura, I ordered their special, The Poli, since it sounded delicious! It’s their take on a Cali-style Benedict, and they make it with creamy avocado, sweet tomato, jack cheese and poached eggs on an English muffin… (English muffin, not moron muffin). Once again, the problem was the pronunciation; they said it’s pronounced “pole-eye”, but I think that’s wrong. People with dyslexia might mix it up with the word piehole, can you imagine?! I think it’s pronounced pol-ee, as in: Roly poly, fat and holy, I am perfect and you’re a goddamn moron!


Anyway, their potatoes were perfect too. You know how most places overcook their breakfast potatoes, and you end up with a burned, sloppy mess on your plate that you can’t discern? Well they don’t do that at Pete’s, they just get confused on their English. No, their potatoes are perfect and I’m completely impressed since they’re extremely busy for breakfast, yet manage to execute each dish with perfection, and I know they execute each dish perfectly because The Poli was so yummy, I ordered a second one, and it came out exactly the same as the first. Don’t you think that’s impressive? No, no, not me ordering the two breakfasts… impressive that they made two exact dishes, exactly the same?!

So git yer ass on ovur to Petes fer sum yumy brekfest, ya doggone peepl!

Pete’s Breakfast House

2055 East Main Street

Ventura, CA


Categories: Breakfast, Brunch, Food, Humor, Satire, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Oeuf, not again…

So Clever Girl went on a date the other night with this hot, sexy guy and we were having a great time until he told me he took French in college, and I thought “Well now you ruined it!” I wasn’t sure if he meant the language, or taking a class on how to become an obnoxious, self-centered chain-smoker that snubs Americans, but does it really matter? French, for crying out loud, why not Italian?! As horrible as it was, it still didn’t stop me from wanting to shove my tongue down his throat and French kiss him… luckily, my mouth was full!

Leave it up to the French to do weird things with food combinations that nobody in their right mind would wanna eat. That is, until they put a fancy French name to it, and then all of a sudden it becomes a delicious-sounding dish. For instance, putting greasy, lemony egg sauce on wet, runny eggs doesn’t sound good at all, right? I saw a recipe for this exact dish in this ancient cookbook I found called “The Joy of Cooking” which is the stupidest title I’ve ever heard for a cookbook!

Clearly this book was written by a Frenchman who quickly changed the title from “Le Idiot at the Stove” to the more pleasant-sounding “The Joy of Cooking” for the American market, because seriously, what modern woman thinks there’s any goddamned joy in cooking?! Only a Frenchman could trick a woman into making him something to eat by making it sound fun.

But not me! Clever Girl finds it much more joyful to be taken out to dinner by hot men than to cook, even though I end up having to drop ‘em after a few dates because of they’re wanting to get their anchovies into my Caesar salad dressing, if you know what I mean!

As I was saying, greasy, lemony egg sauce on wet, runny eggs doesn’t sound good, but if you call it hollandaise sauce over Eggs Benedict, then it become something else entirely… see what I mean? At least the French have contributed two things that are worthwhile to us Americans; better sounding food and kissing with tongue. I guess they aren’t completely useless, just annoying as hell. And obnoxious… and rude…

…and they usually have small anchovies!


Eggs Benedict

Bad eggsample

Anyway, I was making my way through the canyon the other day to this place that I’ve been meaning to check out, since they supposedly have this really beautiful outdoor setting… and because I’d just run over a chicken crossing the road, I thought: I want eggs! Then I thought: which came first, the chicken or the stupid Frenchman? So I went to the M Cafe at Calamigos Ranch (who’s chicken I think I had just killed), drove up, parked, and picked the feathers out of my front grill before I went in.

You wouldn’t expect a place like this driving through good ‘ol Kanan Road because, well frankly, it looks like a gay designer got his delicate little digits on a classic California ranch and turned it into a… a… flaming West Hollywood cowboy hangout! Nestled among the wagon wheels are chandeliers, gauzy fabrics, and a sitting area with flow-ey tent fabric blowing in the ocean breeze! It’s really gay…

…perfect for the French!

Anyway, I ordered their Eggs Benedict with brown butter hollandaise since it sounded really good, then I asked the server if they were missing any chickens. When the dish came, it was an average Benedict though. I was expecting something special considering they were calling their hollandaise “brown butter” hollandaise, but I couldn’t discern any difference from a regular hollandaise. The potatoes were the average ones you can find anywhere at breakfast, which was disappointing. Plus, it was 15 goddamned dollars! Really? For eggs? I guess you’re paying for the gay decor, but if I’m going to get reamed up my derrière, can you at least give me a French kiss first?

Malibu Cafe at Calamigos Ranch

327 S. Latigo Canyon

Malibu, CA


Categories: Breakfast, Brunch, Food, Humor, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

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