Posts Tagged With: ahi tuna

I Do… Not!

Does it count when you go to a wedding and eat the food and then blog about it? I think it should because it wasn’t catered, it was at an actual restaurant where the reception was held, and my friend, who was the bride, mentioned that she was hoping I was going to blog about it. Well okay, that’s not exactly what she said. She said something to the effect of “Oh watch, this is all going to be mentioned in your blog tomorrow, isn’t it?” to which I replied: “Hmph mmmlurp phsrts.” which was the perfect, vague answer… plus, my mouth was full… plus, she was really drunk anyway… plus she was leaving for her honeymoon the next day… and if she’s reading my blog on her honeymoon, she’s got bigger problems than me writing about the food that was served at her wedding! 

It’s not even worth going to all this trouble anyway because the food was really, really mediocre. But the view… the view was spectacular! We were at the The Harbor restaurant in Santa Barbara, which is on the pier, and it made the whole experience bearable, meaning the food, not the wedding, which luckily, was fantastic, even though they’re suckers for doing it. But I love weddings because they bring out the best and worst in everyone, and you’ll be witness to a most unusual occurrence that… that… occurs only at weddings and funerals: starting out as an almost perfectly normal moron, then adding alcohol and becoming an idiotic moron with a social behavioral problem and bad breath. 

Like marriage, only just as awful.

Like marriage, only just as awful.

Yeah, true story! I’ve been to many and can personally testify to witnessing this phenomen… phenomenal… phenomen, phen… phenomena…


Anyway, I had potato crusted salmon *yawn* and it had a sauce that vaguely tasted like lobster and served on a bed of… *yawn* potatoes. I know, I know, I usually love potatoes! I love ‘em so much I’d marry ‘em! But really, this dish was just soooo boring, and who wants to be married to boredom? Apparently, a lot of people… but anyway, the view really makes this restaurant worth a visit… if you wanna spend a lot of money sitting in a restaurant eating mediocre, potato crusted salmon, which, if you think about it, is an activity that closely resembles marriage.

I was also asked if I was going to blog about the food served to me by this really nice couple that I had never met before, who were the friends of a very special friend of mine, and who invited us over for dinner. Well they were jokingly saying they were worried I was going to blog about the dinner they prepared, and of course, I told them I wouldn’t, because I only write about food I buy, and not about food that’s given to me, which, turns out, isn’t really true because I’m blogging about it right now. And I’m blogging about it because I didn’t have time to go out to eat anywhere this week due to all of my social obligations; wedding, dinner at a stranger’s house and watching porn through the window of my neighbor’s house.

So the nice couple made this delicious seared ahi and… okay, I know some of you are thinking: “Yawn… ahi, really?” or wait… maybe that’s my brain… but anyway, I never turn down a fresh piece of deliciously prepared ahi; I just never get sick of it. So they coated this giant piece of deep ruby colored, delicious ahi with sesame seeds, garlic and some spices and it was perfectly seared and executed! In fact, it was better than any ahi I’ve had at any restaurant or sushi bar… possibly ever! I know that’s a bold statement and really, I’m making it in the chances that the nice couple are reading this and want to invite me over again. Plus, they also had beautiful children, and a fabulous place, very stylishly decorated, with spectacular views from their equally stylish rooftop patio! Plus, they were stylish… and super nice… and had excellent taste in friends… and wine!


Anyway, the dinner was so good, it was hard to believe they were married! So to them, I say I do, when I don’t, but I will… and to my dear friend who said “I do”… I can’t… not again. So if you’re gonna do this again, don’t… or at least, don’t ask me to come.

The Harbor Restaurant

210 Stearns Wharf

Santa Barbara, CA



Categories: Food, Humor, Love, Satire, Seafood | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Fifty Shades of… Goddamn That’s Huge!

Okay, forget that last post! You know, the one about me not getting any sex because I should have never jumped the gun… what I mean to say is that I should have never shared that personal information in the first place! Hey, things change all the time and once you put something in writing, it’s there in perpetuity for all to see! Maybe sometimes it’s better to keep my mouth shut…

*snort* yeah right.

So I’ve been online searching for the largest sized condoms they make… for, you know, research purposes… and it seems that in the good ‘ol US of A, there’s only one commercial brand that makes a large size: Trojan. Yeah, they’re called Magnum (and if that doesn’t make a girl wanna go out and try to find her Prince Charming, I don’t know what does!) But this condom doesn’t necessarily mean that it covers… everything. How do us girls know it’s gonna be big enough? Of course, one can only hope… 

I found some other manufacturers that make custom sizes, but they don’t do business here in America, only overseas. I guess they think the American male doesn’t carry a loaded weapon like they do in other countries… which I think is bullshit, it’s wrong! At least, I’m hoping it’s wrong… Jeez, it’d better be wrong! I don’t wanna have to travel across the globe to another country to meet my Special Agent, I wanna meet someone here where it’s convenient. Can you imagine the cost of flying to and fro, just to get some 007? I don’t really mind flying though… in fact, I love flying, it’s sexy and exciting! Plus, I heard that pilots can pack some serious pistol too! Now if I could only get inside the cockpit…

Anyway, I’m on this particular site that makes extra-large condoms, but like I said, they don’t sell them here in America, only in these countries:

Spain (Chorizo)

France (Really? Naw, that’s gotta be a joke…)

Germany (Bratwurst)

UK (Bangers)

Slovakia (Where the hell is that?!)

Sweden (Unlikely)

Denmark (Uh, very unlikely)

Italy (Duh)

Hungary (Don’t go there)

Poland  (Pole land? Hmm, makes sense)

So this website, where they sell these enormous condoms, even gives a man a way to measure his, uh… “success” before purchase, which is very smart since they’d wanna get the right size and everything. But I’m frustrated because why don’t they sell them here, goddamnit? A girl needs it! I mean, Clever Girl always wants protect herself in the… the… biggest and best way possible! 

Naturally I got really hungry after doing all that research, if you can imagine, and I remembered my mother once telling me that I should never make a huge decision on an empty stomach, so I decided to get something to eat. You’d think I’d immediately wanna go for a hot dog or sausage or something, but I don’t eat those, which I know makes me sound like a hypocrite, but they’re just not my thing. Is that wrong? Maybe eating hot dogs is strictly an American pastime and not something practiced in other countries. Maybe the men in those other countries wouldn’t care whether I ate hot dogs or not. Well if so, sign me up! No, I decided to get scallops and ahi tuna instead (gosh, that almost makes me sound like a lesbian).

Where's the beef?

I’ll take a hot dog please.

Anyway, I almost never go to this place since it’s really never been my favorite. I can’t put my finger on why though… maybe the atmosphere? No… maybe the food? No… the food’s not bad… hmm, I just can’t figure it out. Huh, it doesn’t matter, I’m certain it’s not anything huge.

So I went back for some of their food after a long absence, and you know what? I’m glad I did! I had forgotten that they make an excellent ahi tuna appetizer and it’s a great deal at happy hour, which is my favorite hour of the day… after cocktail hour. I ordered that along with their bacon-wrapped scallop appetizer, minus the bacon since the only pork I would eat is Oscar Meyer, even though I’m not really into Jews.

The scallop was tender, sweet and cooked perfectly, with a nice crust on the outside, and soft on the inside. It came on a bed of spinach with a creamy beurre blanc and was perfect in it’s simplicity. The ahi tuna was excellent, really fresh, and it wasn’t the neon pink kind of ahi tuna either; this was pure sushi grade ahi, coated with black and white sesame seeds and served with hot wasabi on the side. Perfect! 

You know, I just realized something: maybe I should re-think the whole not eating hot dogs thing, I could be missing out on something…

…naw, I’ll just keep my mouth shut.

The Grill On The Alley

120 E. Promenade Way

Westlake Village, CA



Categories: Food, Happy Hour, Humor, Satire, Seafood | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

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