Granola Palace

I’m going natural for a little while.

And not “natural” like sporting hairy armpits, or you getting the waft of my patchouli as I walk by wearing those hideous Birkenstocks like Peppermint Patty, either.  Jeez, those and Crocks… who the hell wears that crap anymore except for four-year olds and the dead? And by dead, I mean Deadhead, of course. I wouldn’t want to de-face an actual dead person by associating them with Birkenstocks.

By the way, do you realize it took me over 40 goddamn years to realize Peppermint Patty was a lesbian? Oh sure, they tried to make it so she wasn’t by giving her a crush on Charlie Brown, but let’s be honest, no one dresses like Peppermint Patty and likes boys. I mean, she called him Chuck for crying out loud! She probably grew up to become a gym teacher, then had Charlie Brown as her Assistant Coach, aka “Bitch”, who collected the handballs at the end of the day. Lucy wasn’t exactly the face of femininity either, know what I mean? Come to think of it, all the Peanuts characters were a bunch of granola-headed misfits.

I’m no Granola-head. When I say I’m going natural, I’m talking about eating more natural organic foods like seeds, tofu, veggies, tahini, hummus…

…you know, like what a granola-head would eat.

ahem.

Seems I gained a few pounds over Christmas that I need to lose and summer is already starting to rear its ugly head, so I need to get on it ASAP! I hate going on a diet more than anything… more than even finding out the guy I’m about to sleep with isn’t packing any heat! That’s why I’ve decided to go the healthy, natural route, so it doesn’t really feel so much like a diet. That means giving up bread, which sucks. I love bread… love it so much that when I go to the deli and they ask me what kinda sandwich I want, I say “Bread. I want a bread sandwich. With a couple slices of bread. And put some croutons on there while you’re at it!”

Ever have a crouton sandwich? Friggin’ delicious.

Well my friend took me to this natural organic foods place in the snottiest part of Thousand Oaks: The Lakes shopping center. I really don’t see the point of that shopping center; it’s a glorified strip mall with a giant fake lake in front of a row of overpriced shops & restaurants fronting a shitty parking lot.

But I digress.

She was talking up this place like it was the bomb, so I felt obligated to try it. It’s called Sunlife Organics, and she was saying how they have these amazing items like açai berry sorbet, green juices, gluten-free and other shit I would never normally eat.

Sounds terrific.

No, not really.

But I sucked it up and went, otherwise I’d be sucking it in… all summer.

Well, it sucked, just like I knew it would. Why? Because people haven’t figured out how to make food like that taste good, that’s why! They figure it’ll sell itself because they’ve labeled it natural and organic… and you know what? People fall for it! I ordered some goddamn sandwich I can’t even tell you what the hell it was called. Now before you jump down my throat about the sandwich thing, it was a sandwich made with gluten-free “bread” and to me, gluten-free doesn’t constitute bread. Hell, it doesn’t even constitute food!

So anyway, this shitty “bread” was smeared with cashew “butter” (not even real butter) slices of banana and drizzled with honey.  Oh, and they toasted it on the grill, probably to give it some taste because it’s basically just a piece of cardboard.

o-1

Should say “Leave Here Now”

It didn’t help.

I couldn’t discern the slightest amount of honey on this sadwich (no, that’s not a typo) so I had to go back to the counter to ask for some, thinking maybe that would give it some flavor, but that didn’t even save it. They put this thing on a tiny paper plate too, and it was hanging off the side threatening to fall off. I wish it had. Plus, it was cut very unevenly, so it looked like a four-year old made it. One wearing Crocks, no doubt. It was utterly and completely tasteless. And, get this… it cost me Ten bucks. TEN BUCKS, are you friggin’ kidding me?! Do they serve it with side of fried potatoes or fruit or something? Nope; it’s just a crappy ten-dollar sandwich. 

But supposedly it’s my fault though because that’s not what you order at Sunlife Organics. You get what my friend got, one of their most popular items: An açai berry sorbet breakfast bowl topped with coconut, banana and g r a n o l a. That’s considered healthy and natural here at the ‘ol Granola Palace; a sugar-laden dessert bowl for breakfast.

I guess those granola-heads aren’t stupid, they’ve figured out how to rip people off by selling natural, organic sugar and cardboard.

Now this is how I’d make a natural sandwich, one with flavor and purpose: Take a couple slices of some real bread, add some butter and grill it ‘til it’s nice and toasty. Smear it with some Nutella and sliced banana, get an adult to cut it in half and serve it on a real plate so you can lick off all the goodness with a nice, wet tongue when you’re done!

Now that’s what I call “natural”.

Sunlife Organics

The Lakes Shopping Center

2200 E. Thousand Oaks Blvd.

805.379.2999

Categories: Best food blog, Beverages, Breakfast, Desserts, Food, Funny, Humor, Sarcasm, Satire | Tags: , , , , , | 2 Comments

Love, Italian-Style

So there’s this really cute, young checkout guy at the supermarket; he’s tall with dark hair and amazing green eyes, and we’re always chatty with each other, which gives me false hope that he’s interested. Anyway, he’s always asking me about food and what’s good and what’s not, so it’s a good excuse to make frequent trips to get supplies that I don’t need, and I can get in his line and drool over him!

Well I hadn’t gone in for a long time because the last time I was there, I was feeling particularly delusional, and I slipped him my telephone number… and he never called (which was a big surprise) so to save face, I avoided going altogether. That is, until the other day, when I just had to see him again, and of course I didn’t need anything in particular and I was on my way to a party, so I just quickly grabbed a banana and got in his line without even thinking!

Well let me just tell you this; if you have a crush on the cute checkout guy at the supermarket that you flirt with, who’s much younger than you, you should never, ever get in his line just to buy a banana because it’s totally obvious! Well he stared at the banana for a moment and I looked away pretending that something else caught my eye, and then our eyes met but we didn’t say anything to each other because what the hell can you say about a goddamned banana except the obvious?! So if you’re gonna stalk the young checkout guy at the supermarket, I suggest buying some alcohol because at least you’ll look like you’re there to buy something legitimate and not just getting in line to gawk at something you can never have! Then you can go get drunk and cry over how ridiculous a goddamned banana is!!

ahem.

Way better than a banana!

Way better than a banana!

Okay, strawberries.

I had some the other night in a cocktail and it was one of the most delicious cocktails I’ve ever had! I went to this restaurant in Oxnard and… Jesus Christ, I wish they would change that horrible name… who the hell wants to live and dine in a place with a name that sounds like a set of cow balls? They should call it Oxford, no one uses that name.

Now as you all know, I love Italian food, and this place was just too much to resist. I know, who cares? There are thousands of Italian restaurants in this damn county and we don’t really need anymore, right? Well, we have lots of mediocre (or downright awful) Italian restaurants, but very few great ones. And, we have even fewer great ones that are reasonably priced! In fact, I’m not sure that I’ve ever found one that was reasonably priced and great…

…until now.

Of course, if you open a great Italian restaurant in Oxnard, you’d better be ready to have reasonable prices because who wants to eat at a fabulous Italian restaurant in Oxnard, for crying out loud?!

I’m going to write about one of their cocktails first, and then move on to tell you about the food I ate, which you may have already guessed, was pizza. The place is called Settebello and I’m sure some of you will have difficulty pronouncing it, just like the other Italian words you mispronounce (and like my Russian name) but I’ve learned to live with it. Just don’t refer to mozzarella cheese as moozarella because that’s not how you goddamned say it!!

Anyway they made me this delicious cocktail with strawberries called The Amalfi Coast, and I drank the entire thing, plus my companion’s (she didn’t like it anyway) It’s also got Flor de Caña rum, Campari, St. Elizabeth Allspice Dram, lime and Demerara sugar, and it was so good, I’d drive all the way back to CowBalls to have another one!

But did I mention that their pizza was amazingly delicious and only ten bucks? They import the flour, olive oil and tomatoes from Italy, so it’s super authentic Neapolitan-style pizza, which means the crust was thin, slightly charred on the outside, with a slight chewy bite, like a good crust is supposed to be. The tomato sauce was made with sweet, fruity San Marzano tomatoes, and it was all topped off with creamy mozzarella bufala and fresh basil. When it came out, it was all melty and bubbly and crusty and chewy from the wood-fired oven and (oh boy, I’m really hungry now) and I stuffed it in my pizzapiehole and it completely, temporarily made me forget all about Mr. Dreamy Supermarket Checkout Guy!

So what’s the moral of this story? Eat pizza, not bananas!

Settebello

The Collection at Riverpark

2760 Seaglass Way

Oxnard, CA

(805) 988-1095

Categories: Alcohol, Food, Humor, Pizza | Tags: , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

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