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You Say Tomato, I Say, Shut The Hell Up!

Please help me understand something: why don’t some people go to English class so that they can learn to use the English language properly? Is it that difficult? Okay yes, I realize the English language is the most difficult language to learn… but should that stop you?

Take, for instance, the word: buoy. It’s pronounced: boy. Now many of you probably have a confused look on your face right at this very moment because you’re thinking “Oh… well I thought it was pronounced boo-ee?”…

…but you’d be wrong, horribly wrong. That stupid pronunciation entered our vernacular because some stupid moron decided that “boo-ee” sounded so much more fun than boring ol’ “boy”, so they changed it, for no goddamn reason, and it just caught on, which just goes to show you many morons there really are in the world… and how many of those morons are English teachers!

Just take a look at any grade school English work book from say… about 40 years or so ago, and you’ll see that they used word association with pictures back then, and they always, always associated the word buoy, with a goddamn picture of a goddamn boy, and they couldn’t associate it with a goddamn picture of goddamn boo-ee, because there is no such thing! And just to make sure all this hits home, you don’t pronounce the word “buoyant” as “boo-eeant”, do you? DO YOU?!

There’s also the word “snuck”, which has entered the dictionary as slang (God help us) but it shouldn’t be there because it’s not a word. “Sneaked” would be the proper word, as in “I sneaked into the kitchen the other day and stuffed my goddamn piehole with delicious food!” Not, “I snuck out the back door after having sex with my goddamn neighbor while his wife was away!”

I hate to move on to something else since I’m not really a stickler for such trivialities, but since I have your attention, I’d like to get these common mistakes corrected while I’m here:

Contractions No, these are not what you have when you’re pregnant or have diarrhea, these are words that are contracted from a longer form, for say, convenience purposes. Words such as:

Shouldn’t – Should not

Couldn’t – Could not

Should’ve – Should have

Would’ve – Would have

NOT: should of… would of!

I’m cringing right now. I see that mistake all over the place, like the internet, in email, and on some greeting cards: “I should of read your blog…” Instead of: “I should’ve read your blog and now I feel like an asshole!”

Here’s another one:

Mixing up “You’re” and “Your”.

“You’re” is a contraction of “You are”

You are one-of-a-kind!

You’re one-of-a-kind!

Not, “Your one-of-a-kind”

Your horrible English is getting on my nerves! (take note: there is no contraction for your).

Holy moly, it's Poli!

Holy moly, it’s Poli!

So when I went for my favorite meal (breakfast) the other day at Pete’s Breakfast House in Ventura, I ordered their special, The Poli, since it sounded delicious! It’s their take on a Cali-style Benedict, and they make it with creamy avocado, sweet tomato, jack cheese and poached eggs on an English muffin… (English muffin, not moron muffin). Once again, the problem was the pronunciation; they said it’s pronounced “pole-eye”, but I think that’s wrong. People with dyslexia might mix it up with the word piehole, can you imagine?! I think it’s pronounced pol-ee, as in: Roly poly, fat and holy, I am perfect and you’re a goddamn moron!


Anyway, their potatoes were perfect too. You know how most places overcook their breakfast potatoes, and you end up with a burned, sloppy mess on your plate that you can’t discern? Well they don’t do that at Pete’s, they just get confused on their English. No, their potatoes are perfect and I’m completely impressed since they’re extremely busy for breakfast, yet manage to execute each dish with perfection, and I know they execute each dish perfectly because The Poli was so yummy, I ordered a second one, and it came out exactly the same as the first. Don’t you think that’s impressive? No, no, not me ordering the two breakfasts… impressive that they made two exact dishes, exactly the same?!

So git yer ass on ovur to Petes fer sum yumy brekfest, ya doggone peepl!

Pete’s Breakfast House

2055 East Main Street

Ventura, CA


Categories: Breakfast, Brunch, Food, Humor, Satire, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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