I Do… Not!

Does it count when you go to a wedding and eat the food and then blog about it? I think it should because it wasn’t catered, it was at an actual restaurant where the reception was held, and my friend, who was the bride, mentioned that she was hoping I was going to blog about it. Well okay, that’s not exactly what she said. She said something to the effect of “Oh watch, this is all going to be mentioned in your blog tomorrow, isn’t it?” to which I replied: “Hmph mmmlurp phsrts.” which was the perfect, vague answer… plus, my mouth was full… plus, she was really drunk anyway… plus she was leaving for her honeymoon the next day… and if she’s reading my blog on her honeymoon, she’s got bigger problems than me writing about the food that was served at her wedding! 

It’s not even worth going to all this trouble anyway because the food was really, really mediocre. But the view… the view was spectacular! We were at the The Harbor restaurant in Santa Barbara, which is on the pier, and it made the whole experience bearable, meaning the food, not the wedding, which luckily, was fantastic, even though they’re suckers for doing it. But I love weddings because they bring out the best and worst in everyone, and you’ll be witness to a most unusual occurrence that… that… occurs only at weddings and funerals: starting out as an almost perfectly normal moron, then adding alcohol and becoming an idiotic moron with a social behavioral problem and bad breath. 

Like marriage, only just as awful.

Like marriage, only just as awful.

Yeah, true story! I’ve been to many and can personally testify to witnessing this phenomen… phenomenal… phenomen, phen… phenomena…


Anyway, I had potato crusted salmon *yawn* and it had a sauce that vaguely tasted like lobster and served on a bed of… *yawn* potatoes. I know, I know, I usually love potatoes! I love ‘em so much I’d marry ‘em! But really, this dish was just soooo boring, and who wants to be married to boredom? Apparently, a lot of people… but anyway, the view really makes this restaurant worth a visit… if you wanna spend a lot of money sitting in a restaurant eating mediocre, potato crusted salmon, which, if you think about it, is an activity that closely resembles marriage.

I was also asked if I was going to blog about the food served to me by this really nice couple that I had never met before, who were the friends of a very special friend of mine, and who invited us over for dinner. Well they were jokingly saying they were worried I was going to blog about the dinner they prepared, and of course, I told them I wouldn’t, because I only write about food I buy, and not about food that’s given to me, which, turns out, isn’t really true because I’m blogging about it right now. And I’m blogging about it because I didn’t have time to go out to eat anywhere this week due to all of my social obligations; wedding, dinner at a stranger’s house and watching porn through the window of my neighbor’s house.

So the nice couple made this delicious seared ahi and… okay, I know some of you are thinking: “Yawn… ahi, really?” or wait… maybe that’s my brain… but anyway, I never turn down a fresh piece of deliciously prepared ahi; I just never get sick of it. So they coated this giant piece of deep ruby colored, delicious ahi with sesame seeds, garlic and some spices and it was perfectly seared and executed! In fact, it was better than any ahi I’ve had at any restaurant or sushi bar… possibly ever! I know that’s a bold statement and really, I’m making it in the chances that the nice couple are reading this and want to invite me over again. Plus, they also had beautiful children, and a fabulous place, very stylishly decorated, with spectacular views from their equally stylish rooftop patio! Plus, they were stylish… and super nice… and had excellent taste in friends… and wine!


Anyway, the dinner was so good, it was hard to believe they were married! So to them, I say I do, when I don’t, but I will… and to my dear friend who said “I do”… I can’t… not again. So if you’re gonna do this again, don’t… or at least, don’t ask me to come.

The Harbor Restaurant

210 Stearns Wharf

Santa Barbara, CA



Categories: Food, Humor, Love, Satire, Seafood | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Pee Laugh

So I had some extra time the other day and decided to slip a video tape into my vcr to watch an 80s game show called Bullseye, which was a general knowledge question and answer competition (original, I know)… but anyway, the thing that got me was the analog format of the… the analog format of the…. of the… you know, waddya-call-em flashing lights and graphics and the… the… the lighted bullseye thingy on the screen… which made me feel like a goddamn prehistoric artifact! I couldn’t believe how primitive that shit looked back then! It made the letter-turning on the Wheel of Fortune game show look like the latest Apple… Apple… uhhhh… app!

ahem. whatever.

I much prefer watching the dating game shows we had back then, like for instance, The Love Connection, hosted by Chuck Woolery. I had a crush on big ‘ol Chucky-boy too! I always wanted him to put his “analog” into my “Ms. Pacman”, if you know what I mean… Anyway, on The Love Connection you got to hear about the couple’s date and how it went, which was usually not very good, which was the whole point, and you got to see how awful the hair and clothing really was back then! This show was our version of online dating, only it was on t.v. instead of the computer. I guess you could call it I’m-on-t.v.-dating!

ahem. stupid, never mind.

Anyway, dating game shows were one of my favorite t.v. programs back in the 80s. Those, and the awkward, first-generation televised cooking shows featuring amateur television chefs trying to present a good show. This was well before being subjected to the pompous, mind-numbing chef-turned-mega-asshole-cooking shows on the goddamn Food Network of today!

We happen to be in the midst of one of the most historically diverse periods of chefology and cookery that we’ve ever experienced; where the chefs-turned-mega-assholes create some of the most unusual and exotic (read: overwrought) dishes that have the pleasure (or distaste) to grace (or grease) our plates! 

Fortunately, there remain some of the classics; dishes that have survived the test of time due to their simplicity, authenticity and flavor. Shrimp scampi, eggs Benedict, creamed spinach, lobster Thermador, and so on, and so on… I’ll take oysters Rockefeller over a fat-wrapped, sriracha-dipped oyster topped with cucumber sputum and essence of duck fart any day of the week! 


Serving pee laugh since 1986!

But there are some dishes that beg to be laid to rest; put in the cemetery; flushed down the pipes; given the slip; taken to the cleaners; hoisted up the flag pole; snagged on the fishing line; made like a tree and leave; get off the pot; say sayonara to; zip it and go; take this job and shove it up your… oh sorry, wrong subject… 

…such as the dish I had at Brophy Bros. restaurant in Ventura the other day. Shrimp scampi (okay, fine) with a choice of rice pilaf or french fries… hmmm, wasn’t that hot in the 80s? I mean c’mon, rice pilaf? Isn’t that a dish your grandmother made for special occasions? Rice pilaf is not a San Francisco treat to me, my fuzzy little foodie friends! My idea of a San Francisco treat is a tall, dark transgender, closely resembling Dr. Frankenfurter, wearing candy underwear and carrying a six-pack of beer! Now that’s a…

ahem. forget I said that.

I didn’t even get veggies as a choice with my meal unless I wanted to pay 2 extra bucks for ‘em! Or rather, that my date had to pay 2 extra bucks for, since he picked up the tab. Yes, of course, I ordered them; a Girl’s gotta have her veggies!

Shrimp scampi, a classic dish that should always remain; stick like tape; stay the course; feel the love; keep the change; join the circus; claim the fame; read like a book; live and let live; Gumby and Pokey; take this job and shove it up your….  oh sorry, wrong subject again…

…but yeah, it wasn’t good. The sauce was thick, goopy and waaaay oversalted and the shrimp were overcooked. Not good. My date’s dish, which was a sesame salmon salad, was excellent though! Modern, tasty, and well executed, it was a dish that I’d go back there for, if I ever get the urge to go back in time…

Brophy Bros.

1559 Spinnaker Dr.

Ventura, CA



Categories: Food, Humor, Satire, Seafood | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Blog at

%d bloggers like this: