Love, Italian-Style

So there’s this really cute, young checkout guy at the supermarket; he’s tall with dark hair and amazing green eyes, and we’re always chatty with each other, which gives me false hope that he’s interested. Anyway, he’s always asking me about food and what’s good and what’s not, so it’s a good excuse to make frequent trips to get supplies that I don’t need, and I can get in his line and drool over him!

Well I hadn’t gone in for a long time because the last time I was there, I was feeling particularly delusional, and I slipped him my telephone number… and he never called (which was a big surprise) so to save face, I avoided going altogether. That is, until the other day, when I just had to see him again, and of course I didn’t need anything in particular and I was on my way to a party, so I just quickly grabbed a banana and got in his line without even thinking!

Well let me just tell you this; if you have a crush on the cute checkout guy at the supermarket that you flirt with, who’s much younger than you, you should never, ever get in his line just to buy a banana because it’s totally obvious! Well he stared at the banana for a moment and I looked away pretending that something else caught my eye, and then our eyes met but we didn’t say anything to each other because what the hell can you say about a goddamned banana except the obvious?! So if you’re gonna stalk the young checkout guy at the supermarket, I suggest buying some alcohol because at least you’ll look like you’re there to buy something legitimate and not just getting in line to gawk at something you can never have! Then you can go get drunk and cry over how ridiculous a goddamned banana is!!


Way better than a banana!

Way better than a banana!

Okay, strawberries.

I had some the other night in a cocktail and it was one of the most delicious cocktails I’ve ever had! I went to this restaurant in Oxnard and… Jesus Christ, I wish they would change that horrible name… who the hell wants to live and dine in a place with a name that sounds like a set of cow balls? They should call it Oxford, no one uses that name.

Now as you all know, I love Italian food, and this place was just too much to resist. I know, who cares? There are thousands of Italian restaurants in this damn county and we don’t really need anymore, right? Well, we have lots of mediocre (or downright awful) Italian restaurants, but very few great ones. And, we have even fewer great ones that are reasonably priced! In fact, I’m not sure that I’ve ever found one that was reasonably priced and great…

…until now.

Of course, if you open a great Italian restaurant in Oxnard, you’d better be ready to have reasonable prices because who wants to eat at a fabulous Italian restaurant in Oxnard, for crying out loud?!

I’m going to write about one of their cocktails first, and then move on to tell you about the food I ate, which you may have already guessed, was pizza. The place is called Settebello and I’m sure some of you will have difficulty pronouncing it, just like the other Italian words you mispronounce (and like my Russian name) but I’ve learned to live with it. Just don’t refer to mozzarella cheese as moozarella because that’s not how you goddamned say it!!

Anyway they made me this delicious cocktail with strawberries called The Amalfi Coast, and I drank the entire thing, plus my companion’s (she didn’t like it anyway) It’s also got Flor de Caña rum, Campari, St. Elizabeth Allspice Dram, lime and Demerara sugar, and it was so good, I’d drive all the way back to CowBalls to have another one!

But did I mention that their pizza was amazingly delicious and only ten bucks? They import the flour, olive oil and tomatoes from Italy, so it’s super authentic Neapolitan-style pizza, which means the crust was thin, slightly charred on the outside, with a slight chewy bite, like a good crust is supposed to be. The tomato sauce was made with sweet, fruity San Marzano tomatoes, and it was all topped off with creamy mozzarella bufala and fresh basil. When it came out, it was all melty and bubbly and crusty and chewy from the wood-fired oven and (oh boy, I’m really hungry now) and I stuffed it in my pizzapiehole and it completely, temporarily made me forget all about Mr. Dreamy Supermarket Checkout Guy!

So what’s the moral of this story? Eat pizza, not bananas!


The Collection at Riverpark

2760 Seaglass Way

Oxnard, CA

(805) 988-1095

Categories: Alcohol, Food, Humor, Pizza | Tags: , , , , , , , | 8 Comments


Okay, I’ve been completely bored as far as food the past week, I just couldn’t find anything exciting, and the boredom culminated in my visit to the most boring place on the planet. Well, at least the most boring in the Connayo, which is also boring.

If you wanna go somewhere that has a total lack of culture, be surrounded by boring white people in boring clothes, sipping boring wine and eating extraordinarily boring food, then go to this place. I’d call it yuppster hell (that’s the new term for the modern Yuppy. It even says so on the internet).

It’s so boring, it’s like reading the minutes of a Thousand Oaks city council meeting… or like eating a poached egg with no salt… or watching grass grow… or like sitting through a church sermon hosted by Jimmy Fallon…

…how horrible!

This place couldn’t be more boring if you added the word “boring” to their name, which would make it The Boring Stonehaus, when it’s actually just The Stonehaus. Hmmm, a German name… now that’s downright frightening when combined with the fact that it’s filled with only wealthy, white people.

When I was there the first time (yes, I went more than once), I ordered their listless, overpriced pizza, which I didn’t enjoy because who the hell enjoys listless, overpriced pizza? So I knew I wasn’t going to go that route again, and the only reason I ordered it was because I immediately spotted their outdoor pizza oven, and I love a wood-fired pizza! Well, turns out that their oven is, um… their oven is um… uh… how shall I put this? Well, there’s just no way around it: it’s a gas oven. Plus, The Stonehaus is made entirely out of stone, hence the name! I mean, Jesus Christ, could the owner get any more obvious?! Is he even German? And if not, what the hell is the world coming to?!

So I had to choose something else from their circumscribed menu, which was no easy feat since I was really bored and really hungry, but the thought of eating an overpriced, mediocre-sounding Panini was probably going to put me into a coma!

Well, I ordered one…

Uh, no comment...

Uh, no comment…

I had to! There wasn’t much to choose from to begin with! I guess I must have been sitting too closely to their gas oven and inhaled too many fumes, too. And get this: it had goddamn brie cheese and pear on it… and it was open-faced… Jesus Christ, can you get anymore white than that?! Pear and brie on a goddamn open-faced sandwich? OH, and some goddamn white-meat chicken, I almost forgot to mention that shit! Plus, they served it to me on a wooden board! Now c’mon, that’s just taking things a little too far, and since I know everything about taking things a little too far, you can trust me when I make that statement!


never mind.

I mean, sure, the outdoor area is very pretty with it’s wine-centric decor of grapevines, rosemary and lavender, wine barrel planters, outdoor fire-pit tables (well, maybe not those) and water feature, so I can see the draw. I just can’t get past the bocce ball court, cigar smoke and snobby-ish attitude of the food runners either, so it looks like a lose-lose situation.

Wait, they do have excellent gelato though, I will say that. It’s really delicious and happens to be the best gelato I’ve found anywhere in Honkey-ville. The chocolate and pistachio flavors are divine, so I’d go back there for some of that… and just give the outdoor pizza oven a wide girth.

The Stonehaus

32039 Agoura Rd.

Westlake Village, CA


Categories: Chicken, Desserts, Food, Humor, Pizza, Sandwiches, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

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