Happy Hour

Fifty Shades of… Goddamn That’s Huge!

Okay, forget that last post! You know, the one about me not getting any sex because I should have never jumped the gun… what I mean to say is that I should have never shared that personal information in the first place! Hey, things change all the time and once you put something in writing, it’s there in perpetuity for all to see! Maybe sometimes it’s better to keep my mouth shut…

*snort* yeah right.

So I’ve been online searching for the largest sized condoms they make… for, you know, research purposes… and it seems that in the good ‘ol US of A, there’s only one commercial brand that makes a large size: Trojan. Yeah, they’re called Magnum (and if that doesn’t make a girl wanna go out and try to find her Prince Charming, I don’t know what does!) But this condom doesn’t necessarily mean that it covers… everything. How do us girls know it’s gonna be big enough? Of course, one can only hope… 

I found some other manufacturers that make custom sizes, but they don’t do business here in America, only overseas. I guess they think the American male doesn’t carry a loaded weapon like they do in other countries… which I think is bullshit, it’s wrong! At least, I’m hoping it’s wrong… Jeez, it’d better be wrong! I don’t wanna have to travel across the globe to another country to meet my Special Agent, I wanna meet someone here where it’s convenient. Can you imagine the cost of flying to and fro, just to get some 007? I don’t really mind flying though… in fact, I love flying, it’s sexy and exciting! Plus, I heard that pilots can pack some serious pistol too! Now if I could only get inside the cockpit…

Anyway, I’m on this particular site that makes extra-large condoms, but like I said, they don’t sell them here in America, only in these countries:

Spain (Chorizo)

France (Really? Naw, that’s gotta be a joke…)

Germany (Bratwurst)

UK (Bangers)

Slovakia (Where the hell is that?!)

Sweden (Unlikely)

Denmark (Uh, very unlikely)

Italy (Duh)

Hungary (Don’t go there)

Poland  (Pole land? Hmm, makes sense)

So this website, where they sell these enormous condoms, even gives a man a way to measure his, uh… “success” before purchase, which is very smart since they’d wanna get the right size and everything. But I’m frustrated because why don’t they sell them here, goddamnit? A girl needs it! I mean, Clever Girl always wants protect herself in the… the… biggest and best way possible! 

Naturally I got really hungry after doing all that research, if you can imagine, and I remembered my mother once telling me that I should never make a huge decision on an empty stomach, so I decided to get something to eat. You’d think I’d immediately wanna go for a hot dog or sausage or something, but I don’t eat those, which I know makes me sound like a hypocrite, but they’re just not my thing. Is that wrong? Maybe eating hot dogs is strictly an American pastime and not something practiced in other countries. Maybe the men in those other countries wouldn’t care whether I ate hot dogs or not. Well if so, sign me up! No, I decided to get scallops and ahi tuna instead (gosh, that almost makes me sound like a lesbian).

Where's the beef?

I’ll take a hot dog please.

Anyway, I almost never go to this place since it’s really never been my favorite. I can’t put my finger on why though… maybe the atmosphere? No… maybe the food? No… the food’s not bad… hmm, I just can’t figure it out. Huh, it doesn’t matter, I’m certain it’s not anything huge.

So I went back for some of their food after a long absence, and you know what? I’m glad I did! I had forgotten that they make an excellent ahi tuna appetizer and it’s a great deal at happy hour, which is my favorite hour of the day… after cocktail hour. I ordered that along with their bacon-wrapped scallop appetizer, minus the bacon since the only pork I would eat is Oscar Meyer, even though I’m not really into Jews.

The scallop was tender, sweet and cooked perfectly, with a nice crust on the outside, and soft on the inside. It came on a bed of spinach with a creamy beurre blanc and was perfect in it’s simplicity. The ahi tuna was excellent, really fresh, and it wasn’t the neon pink kind of ahi tuna either; this was pure sushi grade ahi, coated with black and white sesame seeds and served with hot wasabi on the side. Perfect! 

You know, I just realized something: maybe I should re-think the whole not eating hot dogs thing, I could be missing out on something…

…naw, I’ll just keep my mouth shut.

The Grill On The Alley

120 E. Promenade Way

Westlake Village, CA

805.418.1760

 

Categories: Food, Happy Hour, Humor, Satire, Seafood | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

They Pop In Your Mouth!

This year, I’ve decided to be more generous and give back by being of service to my fellow man, even though I didn’t win any goddamned money. And for all you single men out there, let me know if I can be of service to you, if you know what I mean! You have to be really good-looking though, I don’t want any uglies.

So yeah, I’m going to take a more altruistic approach to life and become a volunteer at the local Senior Center. I chose seniors, mainly because you can tell an old person anything you want since a few minutes later they forget what you said, and they usually fall asleep in the middle of crafting class, so it’ll be fun and super easy!

Well the coordinator told me that before I could start, I had to get a TB test from the doctor, which I thought was weird, because you could just tell by looking a me whether I did or not, but maybe she didn’t want to insult me. So when I got to the doctor’s office, I was ready for them to measure my waist, so they could do the, you know, Tummy Bubble test.

Turns out, that’s not what a TB test is at all, it’s to check for Tuberculosis, sheesh! Here I was, thinking “Well, why the hell do they have to test me, can’t they just look at me and see that I clearly have a Tummy Bubble?” I mean, I’m a foodie, for crying out loud! Plus, these are old people, they don’t give a shit whether I have a Tummy Bubble or not! To them, I look like a goddamned bikini model! And anyway, why even check for Tuberculosis since these people are pretty close to dy…

…ahem

Never mind.

So the nurse stuck a needle into my arm to create a hole, and then we had to wait 48 hours to see if a bubble came out of the hole! Another goddamned bubble, what the hell kinda test is this?! I mean, Jesus, am I gonna suddenly start bubbling up while I’m servicing some hot, young guy? How embarrassing, imagine what I’d have to say about it:

“Oh that? Oh, it’s nothing to worry about, I’m sure it’ll pop right as we’re finishing!”

Pop 'em into your piehole!

Pop ’em into your piehole!

Luckily, no bubble popped out on my body, but after that ordeal, I needed to get some food into my tummy bubble, quick! Who knew being so kind and giving with my time would be so dramatic? I’m just hoping it’s not going to be like this all the time or else they’re gonna have to find someone else to do playtime with the old folks!

I needed to go to happy hour fast, and I knew just the place, so I went to Farfalla in Westlake because they have this fantastic shrimp cocktail! Now for some stupid reason, shrimp cocktail has gotten really expensive. It used to be that you got six shrimp in a cocktail. Well nowadays, you only get three… maybe four, depending on where you go, and these restaurants try to make up for being chintzy by giving you “jumbo shrimp”. I hate jumbo shrimp! Not only is it an oxymoron, they’re completely tasteless. Bigger isn’t always better anyway, just ask my ex!

So far, Farfalla *snicker* has the best shrimp cocktail I’ve found in the area because they use really good, regular sized shrimp which are sweet and full of flavor. And the cocktail sauce is simple, no fancy “chipotle” or “sriracha” cocktail sauce here; just ketchup, some diced shallots, a squeeze of lemon, and that’s it. Oh, and they add some pieces of creamy avocado too, which is fantastic because avocado with seafood is a match made in heaven! The best part is it’s only 7 bucks at happy hour, 7 bucks! Other places charge a tail and a head!

I love their shrimp cocktail so much, I ate two of ‘em in the past week, plus I ate a few other items on the HH menu, plus the bread basket and… oh shit, I gotta go, think I just heard something pop.

Farfalla

160 Promenade Way

Westlake Village, CA

805.497.2283

Categories: Happy Hour, Humor, Satire, Seafood | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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