Desserts

Granola Palace

I’m going natural for a little while.

And not “natural” like sporting hairy armpits, or you getting the waft of my patchouli as I walk by wearing those hideous Birkenstocks like Peppermint Patty, either.  Jeez, those and Crocks… who the hell wears that crap anymore except for four-year olds and the dead? And by dead, I mean Deadhead, of course. I wouldn’t want to de-face an actual dead person by associating them with Birkenstocks.

By the way, do you realize it took me over 40 goddamn years to realize Peppermint Patty was a lesbian? Oh sure, they tried to make it so she wasn’t by giving her a crush on Charlie Brown, but let’s be honest, no one dresses like Peppermint Patty and likes boys. I mean, she called him Chuck for crying out loud! She probably grew up to become a gym teacher, then had Charlie Brown as her Assistant Coach, aka “Bitch”, who collected the handballs at the end of the day. Lucy wasn’t exactly the face of femininity either, know what I mean? Come to think of it, all the Peanuts characters were a bunch of granola-headed misfits.

I’m no Granola-head. When I say I’m going natural, I’m talking about eating more natural organic foods like seeds, tofu, veggies, tahini, hummus…

…you know, like what a granola-head would eat.

ahem.

Seems I gained a few pounds over Christmas that I need to lose and summer is already starting to rear its ugly head, so I need to get on it ASAP! I hate going on a diet more than anything… more than even finding out the guy I’m about to sleep with isn’t packing any heat! That’s why I’ve decided to go the healthy, natural route, so it doesn’t really feel so much like a diet. That means giving up bread, which sucks. I love bread… love it so much that when I go to the deli and they ask me what kinda sandwich I want, I say “Bread. I want a bread sandwich. With a couple slices of bread. And put some croutons on there while you’re at it!”

Ever have a crouton sandwich? Friggin’ delicious.

Well my friend took me to this natural organic foods place in the snottiest part of Thousand Oaks: The Lakes shopping center. I really don’t see the point of that shopping center; it’s a glorified strip mall with a giant fake lake in front of a row of overpriced shops & restaurants fronting a shitty parking lot.

But I digress.

She was talking up this place like it was the bomb, so I felt obligated to try it. It’s called Sunlife Organics, and she was saying how they have these amazing items like açai berry sorbet, green juices, gluten-free and other shit I would never normally eat.

Sounds terrific.

No, not really.

But I sucked it up and went, otherwise I’d be sucking it in… all summer.

Well, it sucked, just like I knew it would. Why? Because people haven’t figured out how to make food like that taste good, that’s why! They figure it’ll sell itself because they’ve labeled it natural and organic… and you know what? People fall for it! I ordered some goddamn sandwich I can’t even tell you what the hell it was called. Now before you jump down my throat about the sandwich thing, it was a sandwich made with gluten-free “bread” and to me, gluten-free doesn’t constitute bread. Hell, it doesn’t even constitute food!

So anyway, this shitty “bread” was smeared with cashew “butter” (not even real butter) slices of banana and drizzled with honey.  Oh, and they toasted it on the grill, probably to give it some taste because it’s basically just a piece of cardboard.

o-1

Should say “Leave Here Now”

It didn’t help.

I couldn’t discern the slightest amount of honey on this sadwich (no, that’s not a typo) so I had to go back to the counter to ask for some, thinking maybe that would give it some flavor, but that didn’t even save it. They put this thing on a tiny paper plate too, and it was hanging off the side threatening to fall off. I wish it had. Plus, it was cut very unevenly, so it looked like a four-year old made it. One wearing Crocks, no doubt. It was utterly and completely tasteless. And, get this… it cost me Ten bucks. TEN BUCKS, are you friggin’ kidding me?! Do they serve it with side of fried potatoes or fruit or something? Nope; it’s just a crappy ten-dollar sandwich. 

But supposedly it’s my fault though because that’s not what you order at Sunlife Organics. You get what my friend got, one of their most popular items: An açai berry sorbet breakfast bowl topped with coconut, banana and g r a n o l a. That’s considered healthy and natural here at the ‘ol Granola Palace; a sugar-laden dessert bowl for breakfast.

I guess those granola-heads aren’t stupid, they’ve figured out how to rip people off by selling natural, organic sugar and cardboard.

Now this is how I’d make a natural sandwich, one with flavor and purpose: Take a couple slices of some real bread, add some butter and grill it ‘til it’s nice and toasty. Smear it with some Nutella and sliced banana, get an adult to cut it in half and serve it on a real plate so you can lick off all the goodness with a nice, wet tongue when you’re done!

Now that’s what I call “natural”.

Sunlife Organics

The Lakes Shopping Center

2200 E. Thousand Oaks Blvd.

805.379.2999

Categories: Best food blog, Beverages, Breakfast, Desserts, Food, Funny, Humor, Sarcasm, Satire | Tags: , , , , , | 2 Comments

Nothing Butter Face

Today I was cruising the internet superhighway, mostly looking to see if anyone has heard of me (so far, no one has), but also to find a great dessert. Not for me to bake, of course, that’s silly. By the time you drive to the store, buy all the ingredients, come back, put it all together, bake it, and wait for it to cool, you could’ve gone somewhere and just paid for it, stuffed your piehole really quickly, be done with it, and it would’ve only cost 1/3 of the price.

Plus, you can disguise yourself if you don’t want to be seen…. plus, you wouldn’t have the entire baked thing sitting on your kitchen counter calling out to you every hour, saying “Eat me”.  Well, more like 20 minutes since there’s no point in waiting a full hour to get more. The sooner you get rid of it, the better, so you’re not tempted to eat some every day for the entire week.

Or at least, that’s my logic.

Well don’t just sit there all smug, I’m sure you do the exact same thing. And don’t tell me you don’t because that would be bullshit! Anyone who has a tempting dessert sitting on their counter doesn’t stuff at least half of the thing in their mouths in one afternoon. And in the outrageously bizarre event that you don’t, there’s something seriously wrong with you, Jesus Christ!

By the way, did you know that Jesus has a middle name? I don’t know what the hell it is, all I know is that it starts with the letter H. Seems no one knows what it stands for, which I just do not understand. I mean, it’s Jesus we’re talking about here, not some obscure character we only know about from some stupid book written over a thous…

w a i t  a second…

Anyway, in my quest for finding out if anyone knew me online (under the guise of searching for the perfect dessert), I was reading all these horrible comments about people, from other people, who were hiding behind anonymous online profiles, and I was absolutely stunned that they could be so mean and judgmental!

It just seems people have left their manners at the door, if they ever had any to begin with, and feel totally justified in writing whatever the hell they want without any consequences whatsoever. Probably because at the end of the day, no one will ever find out who they really are. Kinda like Jesus.

Me? I would never use an anonymous computer profile to justify being mean and judgmental, especially after I’ve taken up yoga. Well, I didn’t “take it up” really, I just took one class, only because it’s just too goddamn annoying and s  l  o  w. I know it’s healthy and all, but I don’t have time to sit there and… and… breathe, for crying out loud!

Plus, have you seen some of the people who go to yoga class? Boy, are they some pious assholes! They act like they’re soooo “centered” with their goddamn designer yoga mat and Lululemon stretchy pants which, by the way, some should seriously reconsider!

In fact, some bitch almost ran my ass off the road in her goddamn BMW ‘cause she was late! She came screeching through the parking lot, racing for the spot right in front, then she whipped out her handicap placard with impunity and walked her tight ass through the front door while yapping on the goddamn cell phone! But hey, your asshole-ness is absolved after an hour of yoga practice now. It’s the new Catholicism; give me ten downward dogs and a head stand and you are forgiven!

You know what? I hate goddamn yoga assholes, I’m not going to take classes anymore. Maybe I should take up Thai Qwon Doh, or whatever the hell you call it. Then I’d just have to put up with all those Asians instead… easier.

I’ve been making healthier choices when it comes to stuffing my face though; I’ve cut the sugar down to only 50 grams a day, which is not bad if I compare it to all the grams of coke I did in the Eighties. No, I’m kidding, no one can do that much coke in one day, it would be impossible… not that I didn’t try. Nowadays my drug of choice is sugar. Well, that and butter… and caffeine… and alcohol… and bread… and sex…

…ooooh, sex sounds so good right now! Too bad I’m not getting any on account of me being single and all. No wonder I’m eating so much sugar.

.357 Magnum, baby!

Listen, I could probably get it any time I want, but I can’t just go sleeping around, it’s not my nature. I always wanted to be a slutty whore, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I have a fear that the guy’ll be packing a water pistol when what I really want is a .357 Magnum. Can you imagine how disappointing?!

No, I’ll just stick to the sugar and butter mixed together. I found a stellar interpretation of this combo at Mastro’s in the form of their Butter cake. Holy cow (no pun intended) it’s awesome! It’s dense, yet light at the same time, creamy, yet… yet… creamy (I couldn’t find a good synonym in Thesaurus), buttery and rich and oh, it’s goddamn delicious!

If you’ve never been there 1. that tells me you just can’t afford it, and 2. I don’t know what the second one is and it doesn’t matter; you can’t afford it. Loser.

If you truly want to go on account of my talking about this delicious cake, then I suggest going with about five or six of your friends, taking up a huge table, ordering all waters with sliced lemon and one Butter cake to share. That’s what I did… 

ahem

at least you’d be able to say you’ve eaten at Mastro’s to those that give a shit. Me, I’m non-judgmental, I don’t care either way.

Mastro’s Thousand Oaks

2087 E. Thousand Oaks Blvd.

Thousand Oaks, CA

805.418.1811

Categories: Best food blog, Desserts, Food, Funny, Humor, Sarcasm, Satire | Tags: , , , | 4 Comments

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