Breakfast

Don’t Get Jinxed!

You ever get so irritated with a server giving you bad service that you never want to return to the restaurant? I have yet to understand why it’s taboo to talk poorly about an annoying server giving you bad service, which is ridiculous because there’s so much bad service out there. Saying we shouldn’t talk about bad service is like saying we shouldn’t talk about how shitty Starbucks coffee is, which, we’re not right now because that’s not the subject… even though it does not negate the fact that they serve shitty coffee and there are way too many of them. If Trump really wants to do this country a favor, he should deport all the goddamn Starbucks!

People get uncomfortable when you criticize a server giving shitty service, like you’ll get struck down by lightening or something. The biggest reason I hear people saying you shouldn’t talk badly about a bad server is because their job is sooooo hard

Yeah? So is picking strawberries out in the fields but do you hear the Mexicans complaining about it? No, because when was the last time you found yourself near some strawberry fields… forever?

Any job can be considered hard, not just waiting tables. Just try running this country into the ground! I know because I may or may not have done that crappy job myself at some point (waiting tables, not running the country into the ground) so you can’t preach to this choir. What I find most ludicrous is that we pay servers for the shitty service they give us in the form of a guilt tip (not to be confused with guilt trip). We feel guilty because we’re doing something to them that’s completely rude and intrusive: Ordering food. How dare we? So we give them money at the end of our dining experience whether the service was good or not, out of pure guilt… do you know how crazy ridiculous that is? As crazy ridiculous as a sociopathic reality T.V. narcissist becoming president!

Jinky’s happens to be one of the biggest offenders, and to top it off, it’s so overpriced, so if you want shitty service and a ding in your wallet, go there. On one of my visits, I ordered a cup of their homemade chili. If you order a cup of chili, you’d think you’d get an actual cup, right? Not at Jinky’s! You won’t get a cup of chili, you’ll get a barely-a-cup of chili. That’s an actual measurement they invented. The portion was so small and miserly, I thought they may have mistook me for the midget sitting in the next booth over. Now don’t get your panties in a bunch, I would never refer to a midget as a midget… it was a toddler. Anyway, the goddamn chili set me back $8.00… for beans people! I used to live in Westlake Village, so I was accustomed to getting overcharged, but Jinky’s beat them out in that category.

My biggest complaint is the service, which is consistently bad. Overall, the service can be brimming with apathy, but there’s one particular server that takes the lead in crappy. He’s the crap-master of table-waiting; the king of I-don’t-give-a-shit. For one, he always looks slovenly, with a dirty, wrinkled shirt and greasy hairstyle. Plus he’s sloooow; in pace and comprehension. It would never occur to him, for instance, that if you serve tea, soup or oatmeal, you should probably bring a spoon, because in his caveman existence, dirty fingers work fine. I would bet money that if I uttered the words “Unga Bunga” he would totally get it! That’s because moments before he placed his rotund schlubbiness in my face, he was out back taking a bong load. If you have a couple three hours to waste, sit in his section for amusement. That’s how long it’ll take for him to take your order, bring your food, bring you the things you’ll need with your food, after having to repeatedly ask, and finally, to present you with an insulting bill. And he completely expects to get a tip for all this, not understanding that the word “tip” is actually an acronym for “To Insure Promptness”, obviously a concept that is completely lost on him whenever his mother wakes him up from his nappy-time so he can haul off to work.

Although I’d like to protect my readers from such slovenliness, in the spirit of a 12-Step program, he shall remain anonymous, I will not state his name … except that it starts with the letter M…

…and ends with a T…

…and sounds like the object you wipe your feet on at the front door, which is exactly what I’d like to do whenever he approaches my table to give me that special, shitty service that only a self-entitled Millennial knows how to give (Add one more T on the end for good measure). 

And speaking of T, if you order tea there, be prepared to get hot, brown water because their tea bags are tiny and once you place it in the teapot, it gets diluted to the point where you’re not even drinking tea, but rather, hot, brown water (I think I may or may not have already said that. Thank God I’m not so moronic as to Tweet about it though). So I explained… very slowly… to Mr. T (no relation) why I needed another tea bag and he was so obsequious in his response, I actually thought I was only going to get halfway shitty service that morning instead of the usual full Monty.

Silly me.

He sweetly stated he would need to charge me an extra $1.75 for another tea bag to which I promptly told him no thank you and to please remove the tea from the bill… because they already charge $3.75 for that hot, brown water. Jesus Christ, even Starbucks only charges you around a buck ninety for a cup ‘o crap! Instead of wasting a tea bag and having to take it off of the bill, he could have easily brought me the extra one without an additional charge, since they should serve actual tea and not brown water. In the process, he would have ingratiated himself to me for his effort to provide good service. But, it was not meant to T… I mean, be.

empty-like-my-experience

Empty, like my experience.

Why do I keep going there, you ask? It’s a fair question and I cannot argue it would be ridiculous of me to keep patronizing a place I clearly do not like. The answer is: The food’s not horrible in a town that has horrible food, and if you know how to order, you can avoid getting ripped off. For instance, if you want a light breakfast, they make really good sourdough toast and it’s a mere $2.25. Plus they grill it instead of putting it in the toaster, and it gives it that nice, smoky flavor that I love in grilled bread. You can also share most any dish because the portions are large. I’d avoid potatoes. They tried to be clever by offering their equivalent of Tater Tots, a disgusting food to begin with, one that’s in line with chicken nuggets, Skittles, and bottled ranch dressing *shudder* but it could’ve worked had they made them in-house. It fails because they’re the commercial, frozen kind, what’s so special about that? Their other choices of potato are equally awful. How can you screw up a potato? Ask Jinky’s! For breakfast, they offer a single pancake, which is such a brilliant idea, but then they ruin it by charging six bucks for the goddamn thing. Six. Bucks. For. One. Pancake? Suck it Jinky’s.

Having Mr. T wait on me was enough to make me not wanna go back… until this morning, that is, when I had a lapse in memory and good judgment. But shockingly, the service wasn’t horrible. Mr. T was nowhere to be found and I actually got decent service from a very nice, well-groomed Latina server… which explains a lot. The place also happened to be almost empty… which explains a lot. The one saving grace for service at Jinky’s is Sergio the busboy. He always has a smile on his face and gets me whatever I need when my server disappears… which is frequently.

So if you’re gonna go, just know ahead of time the service is crappy and know what to order to avoid getting ripped off. Otherwise, in the wise words of the real Mr. T: Pity the fool!

Categories: Best food blog, Breakfast, Brunch, Sarcasm, Satire | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Granola Palace

I’m going natural for a little while.

And not “natural” like sporting hairy armpits, or you getting the waft of my patchouli as I walk by wearing those hideous Birkenstocks like Peppermint Patty, either.  Jeez, those and Crocks… who the hell wears that crap anymore except for four-year olds and the dead? And by dead, I mean Deadhead, of course. I wouldn’t want to de-face an actual dead person by associating them with Birkenstocks.

By the way, do you realize it took me over 40 goddamn years to realize Peppermint Patty was a lesbian? Oh sure, they tried to make it so she wasn’t by giving her a crush on Charlie Brown, but let’s be honest, no one dresses like Peppermint Patty and likes boys. I mean, she called him Chuck for crying out loud! She probably grew up to become a gym teacher, then had Charlie Brown as her Assistant Coach, aka “Bitch”, who collected the handballs at the end of the day. Lucy wasn’t exactly the face of femininity either, know what I mean? Come to think of it, all the Peanuts characters were a bunch of granola-headed misfits.

I’m no Granola-head. When I say I’m going natural, I’m talking about eating more natural organic foods like seeds, tofu, veggies, tahini, hummus…

…you know, like what a granola-head would eat.

ahem.

Seems I gained a few pounds over Christmas that I need to lose and summer is already starting to rear its ugly head, so I need to get on it ASAP! I hate going on a diet more than anything… more than even finding out the guy I’m about to sleep with isn’t packing any heat! That’s why I’ve decided to go the healthy, natural route, so it doesn’t really feel so much like a diet. That means giving up bread, which sucks. I love bread… love it so much that when I go to the deli and they ask me what kinda sandwich I want, I say “Bread. I want a bread sandwich. With a couple slices of bread. And put some croutons on there while you’re at it!”

Ever have a crouton sandwich? Friggin’ delicious.

Well my friend took me to this natural organic foods place in the snottiest part of Thousand Oaks: The Lakes shopping center. I really don’t see the point of that shopping center; it’s a glorified strip mall with a giant fake lake in front of a row of overpriced shops & restaurants fronting a shitty parking lot.

But I digress.

She was talking up this place like it was the bomb, so I felt obligated to try it. It’s called Sunlife Organics, and she was saying how they have these amazing items like açai berry sorbet, green juices, gluten-free and other shit I would never normally eat.

Sounds terrific.

No, not really.

But I sucked it up and went, otherwise I’d be sucking it in… all summer.

Well, it sucked, just like I knew it would. Why? Because people haven’t figured out how to make food like that taste good, that’s why! They figure it’ll sell itself because they’ve labeled it natural and organic… and you know what? People fall for it! I ordered some goddamn sandwich I can’t even tell you what the hell it was called. Now before you jump down my throat about the sandwich thing, it was a sandwich made with gluten-free “bread” and to me, gluten-free doesn’t constitute bread. Hell, it doesn’t even constitute food!

So anyway, this shitty “bread” was smeared with cashew “butter” (not even real butter) slices of banana and drizzled with honey.  Oh, and they toasted it on the grill, probably to give it some taste because it’s basically just a piece of cardboard.

o-1

Should say “Leave Here Now”

It didn’t help.

I couldn’t discern the slightest amount of honey on this sadwich (no, that’s not a typo) so I had to go back to the counter to ask for some, thinking maybe that would give it some flavor, but that didn’t even save it. They put this thing on a tiny paper plate too, and it was hanging off the side threatening to fall off. I wish it had. Plus, it was cut very unevenly, so it looked like a four-year old made it. One wearing Crocks, no doubt. It was utterly and completely tasteless. And, get this… it cost me Ten bucks. TEN BUCKS, are you friggin’ kidding me?! Do they serve it with side of fried potatoes or fruit or something? Nope; it’s just a crappy ten-dollar sandwich. 

But supposedly it’s my fault though because that’s not what you order at Sunlife Organics. You get what my friend got, one of their most popular items: An açai berry sorbet breakfast bowl topped with coconut, banana and g r a n o l a. That’s considered healthy and natural here at the ‘ol Granola Palace; a sugar-laden dessert bowl for breakfast.

I guess those granola-heads aren’t stupid, they’ve figured out how to rip people off by selling natural, organic sugar and cardboard.

Now this is how I’d make a natural sandwich, one with flavor and purpose: Take a couple slices of some real bread, add some butter and grill it ‘til it’s nice and toasty. Smear it with some Nutella and sliced banana, get an adult to cut it in half and serve it on a real plate so you can lick off all the goodness with a nice, wet tongue when you’re done!

Now that’s what I call “natural”.

Sunlife Organics

The Lakes Shopping Center

2200 E. Thousand Oaks Blvd.

805.379.2999

Categories: Best food blog, Beverages, Breakfast, Desserts, Food, Funny, Humor, Sarcasm, Satire | Tags: , , , , , | 2 Comments

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