Beverages

Pucker Up!

I Googled “What to do when life gives you lemons” and this is the answer they came up with:

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!”

Yay, isn’t life wonderful? I love to make shitty things taste sweet! See how much better life can be with some sugar poured on top?

Oh, shove it Pollyanna!

Sure, make the goddamn lemonade… but spit the seeds into someone’s face first so that you get some sort of satisfaction because frankly, I don’t see how lemonade is gonna make life better. Lemonade is just too acidic to make life better. It’s just a stomach ache waiting to happen. Plus, it takes a LOT of goddamn sugar to make it taste good!

What genius thought that coming up with a sugar-free version was a good idea? Isn’t that just water with lemon juice, not “lemonade”? Why not just shove half a lemon into your mouth and bite down, then follow with a splash of water? There… there’s your goddamn sugar-free lemonade asshole, how’s it taste? Oh, your lips are puckering, hmm, I wonder why?

It’s because it’s a lemon. 

I also Googled “How to get your man to respect you” and you know the answer they came up with?

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!”

Yeah, can you believe it? You’re Googling that right as we speak, aren’t you? Hey, go ahead, don’t take my word for it! But don’t get disappointed and then come back to me complaining because you know what I’ll tell ya?

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade! Now go suck one!”

Why am I talking about lemons anyway, I thought I was talking about morons? 

I’ve been dealing with this hot, spicy Colombian with whom I am struggling to gain respect from (you know how those latin men are… they don’t respect a woman superior to them), and I figured the first thing I needed to do was to make myself totally available to him, no matter what my schedule, but to not let him know I was doing it. So when he called me and asked me when I had time to see him, I blurted out: “Anytime for you, Big Daddy!” 

ahem.

My next plan was I hinted like hell for him to take me out to lunch, you know, so I wouldn’t sound desperate or anything, but he hesitated, so I told him that I was buying my own lunch, that way, he’d understand that a self-made thousandaire such as myself didn’t need someone like him to pay my way, and he took the bait! Then I told him flat-out that he wouldn’t get sex until after we had lunch, just so he understood I meant business… and he totally agreed! Sucker. See? Now he’s gonna give me the respect I deserve!

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No pucker, sucker!

As it happens, we ended up at Lemonade. And no, this is not some fairytale “Make lemonade with your shitty life” kinda place in your mind, this is an actual um… food… place… restaurant… actually cafeteria would be more appropriate. Yeah, cafeteria because you stand in line with your tray and look at food through glass and tell the nice person behind the counter what you want. Then they dish out the food, write a ticket and send you on your way down the line until you’ve chosen everything you wanna eat…. like at a cafeteria. Remember those? No? Okay, then think about when you’ve gotten your food at school, a hospital or at court; it’s like that. Got it? Okay, let’s move on…

So we ordered what we wanted and when we got up to the register, they had a list of all their lemonade flavors of the day, which explained the stupid name of the place. I think there were about five different ones. Like they say: “When in lemonade, do as the lemons!” so I ordered one to go with my meal of miso-pineapple chicken breast and a side of butternut squash with ancho chile and corn. That was the winner, by the way, along with my Colombian’s brussels sprouts.

Yeah, he ordered brussels sprouts. I think he got confused because he should have ordered my butternut squash with corn and ancho chile instead, seeing as how he’s Latin American and all, not Brusselsish… or rather, from Brussels… what they hell are they called again? Oh yeah, Flemish. Weirdos.

Anyway, his brussels sprouts came roasted with onions and they were excellent! They were caramelized and tender, like little green gems of yummy goodness! My BS (that’s short for butternut squash, not brussels sprouts) was delicious too, with the crunchy contrast of corn against the sweet, tender squash and fruity ancho chile. It was a great combination! I wasn’t crazy about the lemonade though. I got the cucumber mint flavor and… I know this’ll come as a big surprise to you… but it wasn’t sour enough for me. It’s not that it was too sweet, it was just kinda bland, boring. There are other places in town to get better lemonade if you ask me.

As soon as we finished lunch, I got an overwhelming urge to squeeze my hot Colombian’s lemons, so I did, and you know what I got?

Lemonade

100 Promenade Way

Westlake Village, CA

805.778.9100

Categories: Beverages, Food, Humor, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Mediocrity, The New Gateway Drug

When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade, toss ‘em in the fridge and grab yourself some wine instead! In light of the recent fires (no pun intended) we all endured here in the Connayo last week, I think that’s sound advice!

Since my weekend hiking plans were pretty much ruined, and even though it was still a bit smoky outside, my friend and I decided to meet for a glass of wine at a place that had a nice patio overlooking the ash sprinkling down over Westlake Blvd. Well we sat down and waited, and waited, and no one came to our table, which was nestled in amongst the other mostly empty tables, so I could see how we could be overlooked. I did notice that the manager went to the table next to us though. There were four of them and they had purchased a whole bottle of wine, where as there were only two of us and we just wanted two glasses. Anyway, the manager was behaving in such an obsequious manner with the table, her head was practically jammed right up their… um, how shall I put this? Her head  was… uhh… well, I guess I just have to come out and say it: her head was practically jammed right up their ass… es!  Not only that, she didn’t even glance in our direction as she stepped away from the table! We had no water, no menus, no nothing, but she didn’t even notice. I guess if you purchase a whole bottle of wine, as opposed to just a glass of wine, you’re going to get the manager’s head up your ass. So maybe don’t go there.

We said screw this, we can go get our own bottle of wine for the price of two glasses and sit by the lake where it’s really pretty and we don’t have to worry about being ignored, (only arrested) so that’s what we did! My friend left the choosing of the wine to me, since I happen to know a lot about the stuff. I already had it in my mind that I was going to pick something mediocre, yet drinkable, since we didn’t want to spend a lot of money. Oh, and it had to have a screw top for convenience. I thought a nice, crisp Sauvignon Blanc would play well against the smokyness in the air, and I knew exactly which one to get: Oyster Bay Sauvignon Blanc, which comes from the Marlborough region of New Zealand. That region of NZ makes spectacular SBs! But they also make mediocre SBs and that brand is one of them. Don’t get me wrong, it’s very drinkable, but when you’ve had spectacular wine, and then you drink mediocre wine, well, it’s like driving a Maserati, the having to switch over to a Camry!

Personally, I like spectacular wines but my wallet doesn’t, and the wallet is gonna win out every time. I say stick to the mediocre stuff, and you know why? Because drinking good wine is just a gateway drug. You start with the crappy stuff like the shit they sell at Trader Joe’s, but then one day, you get a taste of some of the better stuff, and you say “Hey, that’s pretty good! It’s way better than the crap I’ve been drinking!” then you start to drink good wine on a regular basis. But one day your wine snob friend says “Try this!” and she (me) turns you on to the really good stuff and you come to realize just how much you’ve sold yourself out in the past. Before you know it, you’re spending $40, $50, even $100 a bottle! Pretty soon, people who never used to want to hang out with you before, start becoming your best friends! They lavish you with attention and compliments while holding out their wine glass for you to fill, and you’re all buzzed and laughing and having a great time! You feel good about yourself because you know “the really good shit” and everybody knows it and looks up to you. You’re a wine superstar! Until one day, you can’t buy the good stuff anymore because you’re spent, broken, and all your money is gone. Your “friends” no longer want to have anything to do with you and you’ve resorted to panhandling outside of Trader Joe’s for the cheap stuff! Believe me, I see it happen all the time, it ain’t worth it!

NY Style?

NY Style?

My advice: stick with the mediocre stuff.

But if you want my opinion on the good stuff…

By the way, we got it from Vons, and they have the most wonderful selection of mediocre wines, so I’m sure you’ll find something!

So after sitting on our little park bench drinking our mediocre wine, overlooking the lake and watching all the rich drunks cruising around on their shitty boats, we got hungry, so we decided to stick with the “cheap” theme of the evening and get a slice of pizza. We headed over to Mulberry Street Pizza on Thousand Oaks Blvd. They recently opened up this location after being in BH for many years and claim to have authentic NY style pizza. I have to say that the staff are really friendly and the place is buzzing with NYers. But you know what? I found their pizza to be just… mediocre. The good thing is that you can get a slice anytime, where as my favorite place doesn’t offer slices at all. I’ve had some of the best NY pizza, so for me, MS just doesn’t slice it (pun intended).

Hmm, you know maybe you should go to Mulberry St. Pizza after all and just stick with the mediocre stuff, since we all know what happens when you don’t.

Mulberry Street Pizza

1655 E. Thousand Oaks Blvd.

Thousand Oaks, CA

805.379.1121

Categories: Alcohol, Beverages, Food, Humor, Pizza, Wine | Tags: , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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