Granola Palace

I’m going natural for a little while.

And not “natural” like sporting hairy armpits, or you getting the waft of my patchouli as I walk by wearing those hideous Birkenstocks like Peppermint Patty, either.  Jeez, those and Crocks… who the hell wears that crap anymore except for four-year olds and the dead? And by dead, I mean Deadhead, of course. I wouldn’t want to de-face an actual dead person by associating them with Birkenstocks.

By the way, do you realize it took me over 40 goddamn years to realize Peppermint Patty was a lesbian? Oh sure, they tried to make it so she wasn’t by giving her a crush on Charlie Brown, but let’s be honest, no one dresses like Peppermint Patty and likes boys. I mean, she called him Chuck for crying out loud! She probably grew up to become a gym teacher, then had Charlie Brown as her Assistant Coach, aka “Bitch”, who collected the handballs at the end of the day. Lucy wasn’t exactly the face of femininity either, know what I mean? Come to think of it, all the Peanuts characters were a bunch of granola-headed misfits.

I’m no Granola-head. When I say I’m going natural, I’m talking about eating more natural organic foods like seeds, tofu, veggies, tahini, hummus…

…you know, like what a granola-head would eat.


Seems I gained a few pounds over Christmas that I need to lose and summer is already starting to rear its ugly head, so I need to get on it ASAP! I hate going on a diet more than anything… more than even finding out the guy I’m about to sleep with isn’t packing any heat! That’s why I’ve decided to go the healthy, natural route, so it doesn’t really feel so much like a diet. That means giving up bread, which sucks. I love bread… love it so much that when I go to the deli and they ask me what kinda sandwich I want, I say “Bread. I want a bread sandwich. With a couple slices of bread. And put some croutons on there while you’re at it!”

Ever have a crouton sandwich? Friggin’ delicious.

Well my friend took me to this natural organic foods place in the snottiest part of Thousand Oaks: The Lakes shopping center. I really don’t see the point of that shopping center; it’s a glorified strip mall with a giant fake lake in front of a row of overpriced shops & restaurants fronting a shitty parking lot.

But I digress.

She was talking up this place like it was the bomb, so I felt obligated to try it. It’s called Sunlife Organics, and she was saying how they have these amazing items like açai berry sorbet, green juices, gluten-free and other shit I would never normally eat.

Sounds terrific.

No, not really.

But I sucked it up and went, otherwise I’d be sucking it in… all summer.

Well, it sucked, just like I knew it would. Why? Because people haven’t figured out how to make food like that taste good, that’s why! They figure it’ll sell itself because they’ve labeled it natural and organic… and you know what? People fall for it! I ordered some goddamn sandwich I can’t even tell you what the hell it was called. Now before you jump down my throat about the sandwich thing, it was a sandwich made with gluten-free “bread” and to me, gluten-free doesn’t constitute bread. Hell, it doesn’t even constitute food!

So anyway, this shitty “bread” was smeared with cashew “butter” (not even real butter) slices of banana and drizzled with honey.  Oh, and they toasted it on the grill, probably to give it some taste because it’s basically just a piece of cardboard.


Should say “Leave Here Now”

It didn’t help.

I couldn’t discern the slightest amount of honey on this sadwich (no, that’s not a typo) so I had to go back to the counter to ask for some, thinking maybe that would give it some flavor, but that didn’t even save it. They put this thing on a tiny paper plate too, and it was hanging off the side threatening to fall off. I wish it had. Plus, it was cut very unevenly, so it looked like a four-year old made it. One wearing Crocks, no doubt. It was utterly and completely tasteless. And, get this… it cost me Ten bucks. TEN BUCKS, are you friggin’ kidding me?! Do they serve it with side of fried potatoes or fruit or something? Nope; it’s just a crappy ten-dollar sandwich. 

But supposedly it’s my fault though because that’s not what you order at Sunlife Organics. You get what my friend got, one of their most popular items: An açai berry sorbet breakfast bowl topped with coconut, banana and g r a n o l a. That’s considered healthy and natural here at the ‘ol Granola Palace; a sugar-laden dessert bowl for breakfast.

I guess those granola-heads aren’t stupid, they’ve figured out how to rip people off by selling natural, organic sugar and cardboard.

Now this is how I’d make a natural sandwich, one with flavor and purpose: Take a couple slices of some real bread, add some butter and grill it ‘til it’s nice and toasty. Smear it with some Nutella and sliced banana, get an adult to cut it in half and serve it on a real plate so you can lick off all the goodness with a nice, wet tongue when you’re done!

Now that’s what I call “natural”.

Sunlife Organics

The Lakes Shopping Center

2200 E. Thousand Oaks Blvd.


Categories: Best food blog, Beverages, Breakfast, Desserts, Food, Funny, Humor, Sarcasm, Satire | Tags: , , , , , | 2 Comments

When Push Comes To Shove-It

Preggers… Jesus Christ!!

Oh heavens no, not me, I’m not preggers, thank God! I’m no breeder… and frankly, don’t tell anybody this, but I find it slightly disgusting, you know?

It looks so awful! None of my designer clothes would fit, my ankles would get swollen and I don’t want my belly distended like that. Well, unless it’s a food baby, of course (I sometimes get that way when I eat too much dairy too), but for nine months straight? That’s like eating beans 24/7 for 273.9 days and at the end, you have to squeeze out a bowling ball… no thanks hanky panks, where’s the goddamn glory in that?

Look, I know how all that crap starts too. It starts when you decide to let a man dip his cucumber into your Mint Julep… and hello?! Cucumbers don’t belong in Mint Juleps!! You can put ‘em in Mojitos, but the last thing we need around here in So Cal are more goddamn little Mojitos running around!

I mean, just how many kids do you have to make anyway? One should be enough… two’s pushing it, and three’s a job pool! Okay, I guess they’re great if you wanna have ‘em for cheap labor to clean up the house and take out the garbage whenever you tell them too, because Lord knows, once you allowed Mr. Cucumber inside your avocado, he turned into a couch potato, so someone’s gotta do it!

Listen, I don’t really mind all you fatties, I just get annoyed when you’re busting ass through the mall, pushing your goddamn GIANT, TRACTOR-TRAILER BABY STROLLER with your goddamn Jamba Juice in your chubby fingers nearly running me over… Jesus Christ! You think just because you cooked up a baby that you’re the queen now? You’re trying to push everyone out of your way with a baby canon, didn’t you do enough pushing in the birthing room?!

Are you pissed off or something?

Okay, I agree that’s a silly question… I’d be pissed off too if I had to deal with something that eats, shits and cries all day… and not just Mr. Couch Potato but the goddamn baby, too!

Happy Mother’s Day, by the way! 

Look, the last thing I wanna do on Mother’s Day, is go out to eat somewhere because everybody is miserable, and you wanna know why? Because they’re EATING WITH THEIR MOTHER! Or even worse: their mother-in-law, hahahahahahahaha!

Now I remember why I’m single.


Oh yeah, I’m single again.

I mean, not again as in a g a i n, like it’s some sort of vinerial… vanereil… venereal disease. Being single isn’t like being preggers, where there’s something wrong with you, it just means that you’re supposedly taking a GODDAMN BREAK… whatever the hell that means! Yeah? Well I hate your mother’s cooking and I never liked the way you licked my Mint Julep anyway!!


Speaking of Mint Juleps (the official drink of the goddamn Kentucky Derby #whogivesashit) did you know that Bourbon is the new black? Yeah, I guess it’s the hot, new trend and all the ladies are drinking it now… well, except for the preggos. I’m not partial to it myself on account of getting sick off of the stuff when I was 16 years old with Bobby from across the street and…


So anyway, I don’t really like it but my friend asked me to try hers one night and it went down really smoothly… for about two goddamn seconds… and then my throat literally caught on fire! No, it’s true, I burped and it lit the candle on our table.

Funny thing is, I don’t remember what the stuff was called. Well, besides “bourbon” of course (I guess I’m really sensitive to alcohol or something) but anyway, there are all these small batch bourbon distilleries popping up all over the country, and they’re supposedly getting better and better at making the stuff and now it’s becoming a national pastime. Move over Jack, there’s a new sheriff in town!

I guess it doesn’t matter which kind you drink really, because at the end of the day, it’s all the same: you find yourself half-naked in the men’s restroom of the country & western bar at 2:00 am…


Categories: Alcohol, Beverages, Funny, Humor, Sarcasm, Satire | Tags: , , , , , | 2 Comments

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