To Tokyo, With Love…

I’m pretty much not afraid to put anything in my mouth.

I don’t like it when someone tries to put words in there though. I also don’t like eating my words, which is almost worse than having someone put something in there that I don’t like!

Now I said I’m not afraid to put anything in my mouth, I didn’t say I would put anything in my mouth… there’s a difference, just to clear that up. 

So I went back to Cow balls the other day and… that’s another thing I probably wouldn’t want to put in my mouth. No, not probably… definitely. So Oxnard (or cow balls) as you all know, is not a place I normally go to hang out, but I found myself there the other day, in very good company I might add, and I have to admit, I was surprised by Oxnard! And maybe… even possibly… wrong about Oxnard… which would mean I’d have to eat my words! But I said “maybe”, the jury’s still out, so I still get to make fun of Oxnard.

C’mon let’s face it, every place has another place that people make fun of! L.A. has… well, itself, and Thousand Oaks has… Agoura, Westlake, Simi, Camarillo, Ventura, Moorpark, Santa Paula, Port Hueneme… and Oxnard, which is mostly known for its strawberries, and the Mexicans that pick them. But it also has a cute beach area where all the white people live, so that part’s gotta be safe. 

I always thought you’d have to speak Spanish to go hang out in Oxnard, and you pretty much do, but I never thought you’d have to speak Japanese to hang out in Oxnard… but you do. Well, you do if you want good sushi, otherwise skip it. The good thing is, you don’t have to be fluent, just a few jumbled words will probably get you by. I know just enough to order sushi and say Domo Arigato, which was good since I needed to thank the Japanese for the delicious sushi they gave me!

Like I said, I was with some really great company and he took me to this great little Japanese place and I would never in a million years think that there would be great sushi in Oxnard. I had stupidly boldy made the statement that you can’t find excellent sushi in the entire county, and now I’m having to eat those words because of this place… this place in… the place we went to… me ‘n my really great company… down there in Oxnard…


Decisions, decisions...

Decisions, decisions…

Ummm, okay I don’t think I wanna tell you where this place is. If I do, it’ll become the next hot spot and I don’t think I wanna give it up. Don’t get me wrong, I really like all most of you but I’m not sure I wanna dine with you. I certainly don’t wanna see this gem of a sushi place become packed with a bunch of fish-eating morons from Agoura or Westlake, not that those assholes would ever go to Oxnard to dine! 

The owners of this place are Japanese, which is always a great start for a sushi place, and I don’t think the sushi chef speaks any English, and the server speaks very little, but we seemed to communicate just fine in spite of our differences. In fact, my companion was managing to make our server giggle, although I don’t think it was because she thought he was being clever or funny…

One thing I really like about this sushi place is that it’s no-frills, which is how I like it. You won’t find a bunch of ridiculous rolls here. This place is strictly Tokyo-style, which means authentic sushi and sashimi, elegantly and simply prepared. For instance, we had an order of halibut, which was very fresh and beautifully presented with just a sprinkling of lemon zest and salt, which really brought out the flavor of the fish. We also had luscious tuna belly, which was served straight up with just a smidgen of wasabi, and it just melted in our mouths (unlike the words I’m having to eat). And their wasabi was really fresh too! It’s so clean and hot, it’ll clear your sinuses all the way up to your brain and clean that out too, and there are lots of people out there that desperately need some of that!

But I’m still not going to mention the name of the place, I’m keeping it for myself and that great company I was with, so if you wanna know where it is, you’ll have to try to find us! And all I can say is:  幸運


Categories: Asian, Humor, Satire, Seafood | Tags: , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Hell On Wheels!

I just moved.

Moving takes perseverance, focus, and determination… oh, and a couple of suckers and a godammned truck! Well I didn’t have a truck but my neighbor did, so we used hers… and a couple of her suckers. I think I was supposed to be more appreciative than I was since everyone took time out of their day to help, but all I could think about was how they were touching all of my things with their filthy hands, and how if they’d have broken anything, would I be able to scream and call them goddamned morons? It was really stressful!

There are really only two things that a truck’s good for anyway, and obviously, one of them is moving. I can’t remember what the other one is. Sex maybe. But one should never, ever eat off of a truck. This whole craze of food trucks, I just don’t get it. It’s not like they’re new or anything, food trucks have been around since I was little, except back then, they weren’t “gourmet”, it was fried crap and Mexican food.

Well it’s still fried crap and Mexican food, as well as a bunch of other stuff. My friend, Triple D, and I went to Food Truck Thursdays in a little pothole of a town that I’ve talked about before with a name that resembles cows balls. Yep, Oxnard. Get it? Ox-nard? Men refer to balls as nards, right? At least, that’s what I’ve overheard… but anyway, yeah we went there and I had high expectations, which is stupid because why would I have high expectations when I’m going to eat off a truck…

…in a town named after a cows balls?!

I should have known it was going to be a bust as soon as we pulled up because we got a parking spot right up front, which is never a good sign. I’ve seen the t.v. shows on food trucks and they make ’em look so good, but those are usually in places like San Francisco, New York, or Austin, Texas, not… Oxnard, CA. That’s like saying: “Hey, let’s go to Salinas for the great scenery!” Nobody in their right mind ever goes to Salinas, for crying out loud, it’s just a stop-over on your way to the really beautiful places like Monterey and Carmel, where all the white people are.

Oxnard is known for only a couple of things: Mexicans, the strawberries that the Mexicans pick, and now, Food Truck Thursdays. Actually, I think it’s already known for food trucks because Oxnard’s full of food trucks, like the ones I mentioned before. I mean, they’re the ones that drive ‘em, so food trucks represent just another day at work for the folks in Oxnard! No wonder there weren’t that many people there…

My buns weren't steamed over this one

My buns weren’t steamed over this one

I had some type of Taiwanese/Filipino food from my truck, although I couldn’t tell you what it was called. It had all these weird ingredients, like the bastard child of Southeast Asian cuisine, and the only reason I chose this particular truck, is because there was no line, because I hate waiting in lines! It was called the Steamy Bun Truck (Lord knows there’s a lot to go off of on that one, but I’ll spare you this time). Triple D decided on, get this: empanadas. Really? Now there’s a big friggin’ suprise; to get a Latin dish… in Oxnard… from a food truck! Wow, I woulda never guessed!

Those turned out to be the most flavorful of the three dishes we got, the third being sweet potato fries, and get this: the truck didn’t have any salt. Yeah, you heard me; no goddamned salt! How can you be a food truck and serve fried potatoes and not have any goddamned salt?! Why? How does that happen? Do they normally just move furniture in their goddamned truck and cook food in it on Thursdays in Oxnard?!

Needless to say, the only way I’m going back to Oxnard is for… well I can’t think of a single reason to go back to Oxnard. Oh wait, there is one; if I ever need to buy a used truck, which will be… never.

Food Truck Thursdays

1st Thursday Monthly

Heritage Square, 715 South A St.


Categories: Asian, Food, Humor, Mexican, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

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