It’s A Man’s World, Wiener Just In It

Have you ever noticed how many objects there are in the world that resemble a man’s um… a man’s uhhh… a man’s… hockey stick? In fact, even a hockey stick resembles one! A broken one perhaps, but one just the same. Why, we’re absolutely swallowed up in phallic symbolism everywhere we turn!

For instance, I was at my favorite place getting a delicious coffee this morning (decaf, on account of my outbursts) when I noticed a man doing landscaping… with a leaf blower… which isn’t really landscaping as much as it is GODDAMN LOUD AND ANNOYING!!…

…and he was holding his “leaf blower” in front of him, down low, right around the crotch area, and he was swinging it from side to side… as I would imagine a man would do with that kind of thing in his hands… and it made me realize just how many dicks there are out there!

Most of ’em live here in my quaint little town and drive BMWs, Teslas, Jaguars, Mercedeseseses… ahem, Range Rovers and Audis, but you can spot ’em in any ‘ol car on the GODDAMN FREEWAY OR ROAD, STARTING FROM 2 PM WHEN THEY PICK UP THEIR SNOTTY NOSED BRATS WHO ARE TOO FAT, SPOILED, OR LAZY TO WALK TO AND FROM SCHOOL!!

Wow, this decaf tastes really bold!

Anyway, we live in a man’s world and they happen to design a lot of this crap, so it makes sense that a lot of objects we use in daily life would look just like one. Look around you right this minute and tell me that you don’t see at least one giant dick right in front of your face…

What? No, I didn’t see anything! I wasn’t trying to get personal it was… it was meant to be a metaphor and… well how the hell was I supposed to know that you were in the middle of… well maybe next time you should double-check that your computer camera is turned off!

Dickface.

Where was I? Oh yes, wieners… so first it was the hamburger that was getting all the attention with the stupid “sliders” trend… now it’s the hot dog. Watch, they’ll probably come up with a hot dog slider, which personally, I would call “dog sled”, a brilliant moniker that I just came up with, for another possible, yet stupid, trend. You can bet your sweet cheeks that’ll be on every menu next month, courtesy of Clever Girl, since I always come up with the best ideas! Why the hell am I a poor, lowly food writer, Jesus?!

Honey, is that you?

Honey, is that you?

Anyway, I see those damn places everywhere. In my neck of the branch, they have several joints where you can get a wiener, not including Hot Dog on a Stick, Wienerschnitzel, or the Thai massage place on T.O. Blvd…

ahem.

Take a look at all these joints:

Dayne’s Chicago Beef and Dawgs – midwest meat.

Lucky’s Dog House – he ended up in a sausage, how lucky could he be?

Jersey Dogs – you don’t wanna mess with these dicks!

Hog Diggity Dog – really?

Dog Haus – wow, that’s original.

Metro Dogs – avoid this one if you’re unsure what your preference is.

Smiley’s Hot Dogs – how can you smile with that thing in your mouth?

Herbs Heavenly Hotdogs – I have no idea…

Cupid’s Hot Dogs – open wide, aim and shoot!

I used to be able to shove those things down my throat, no problem. But that was when I was young, eager and into eating those kinds of things. Now I can’t even look at one, much less think about sticking one in my mouth!

Burp… oh excuse me.

No, I actually haven’t patronized one of these places because hot dogs just aren’t my thing, if you haven’t already guessed, so if you’re craving a wiener, you’ll just have to go to one of these joints yourself and figure out which one you like best.

But I’d do it quickly because just as fast as all these hot dog joints are popping up, they’ll deflate just as fast as you can say “Hold the mustard!” 

Categories: Food, Funny, Humor, Satire | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

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