Hot Loaf of… Crazy

Stupid good – a phrase meaning something that is so delicious, it renders the eater “stupid, because it’s so good” Hmm… clever, yet stupid.

Crazy good – a phrase that apparently meant something to the person who penned the phrase, yet goes completely beyond my comprehension since crazy is never good.

At least, I would assume. I mean, I know absolutely nothing about crazy since I’ve never encountered crazy before *snort*

Crazy is just an abstract idea to me *snicker*

Crazy? Never met ‘im…. heeheehee!

Crazy? Hey, I only happen to live in California, drive on L.A. freeways, and eat ridiculous food, why in the hell would I know anything about crazy?! Hahahaha!

At least, in my book crazy is never good. I don’t know, maybe some stupid morons nowadays think crazy is good. Just look at all the crap we have on the internet! That’s crazy, so maybe it is good… to some stupid morons, like I said.

So is it crazy for me to drive all the way up to Carpinteria… only to get some bread? Is it crazy for me to drive all the way up to Carpinteria, get some bread, and pay 6 dollars for it? Is it crazy for me to drive all the way up to Carpinteria, get some bread, pay 6 bucks for it, and discover it’s not even worth it because I can get bread that is just as good, if not better, than their bread, without even leaving town?! You bet your ass, it’s crazy, why the hell would I do that?! Why would you?! Well, you shouldn’t. Not unless you’re a complete moron who reads crazy shit on the internet, and if you’re reading this… right now… on the internet… you certainly don’t fall under that category…


Anyway, I was up in Carpinteria, which is an adorable little beach enclave north of here; a place the residents don’t want you to know about, in case you’re thinking of moving there and ruining it, just like all the assholes did here in Thousand Oaks, which used to be my quaint little town that has been ruined by… people. 

But as I was saying, the residents in Carpinteria would like to keep their quaint little town… little. So don’t move there. But by all means yes, visit their businesses and pay exorbitant prices on their goods. Like crazy, goddamn bread, for instance.

For some reason, over the past 15 years, the price of wheat has gone way up, which means that the price of things that used made out of wheat that were inexpensive (bread, pasta, Amish clothing), are now super-expensive (bread, pasta, Amish clothing), which is bizarre, since the crazy, mad scientists at evil Monsanto have figured out a way to make a “super-wheat” which resists mold, freezing temperatures, and actors looking to avoid carbs. 


Packaging by Monsanto

Yes, bread is apparently more special up in Carpinteria, “Carp” to the locals, which is not an attractive name, by the way. Have you seen a carp lately? There’s one bread company in particular that thinks it’s more special and should charge more: Crazy Good Bread Company. Yeah, it’s crazy alright; it’s not that good and it’s overpriced.

They make several kinds of breads daily that you can sample. The day I was there, I tried their country-style white bread with M&Ms. Yep, you heard me: M&Ms in the bread. It was colorful, it was interesting, but it wasn’t that good, and you know why? You couldn’t really taste the M&Ms because, get this: they goddamn melt! Yeah, I know, hard to believe, but bread goes into an oven, which is hot, so chocolate will melt; a concept I think, that is lost on them. 

Either that, or they’re smoking some serious bong loads up in Carp! It’s crazy trying to go into the minds of people like that, but this is probably how it went down:

“Dude, I found these leftover M&Ms in my pocket from last night. Let’s put ’em into the dough and bake it, kinda like how we’re totally baked right now!”

“Awesome Dude, let’s try it!”

Sometime later:

“Wow, they completely melted. I’m soo bummed.”

“That’s a bummer, dude.”

Why not spread some chocolate onto the bread AFTER it comes out of the oven, how’s that for an idea, Jeff Spicoli

Maybe I am crazy because I actually bought a loaf of their sourdough, even though I didn’t think it was anything special. What’s even crazier is I didn’t ask how much it cost first, so when they told me, I nearly crapped out my sample of M&M bread, but by then I felt obligated to buy it because they had already wrapped it up for me. Stupid crazy, right? Well that’ll never happen again, I don’t care how cheap I look, I’m asking the price before I reach for any sample from now on! Next time, I’ll say I left my wallet in the car and make a run for it. That way, I won’t even look cheap, just fast!

Their motto at the Crazy Good Bread Company:

Bliss. Disguised as bread.

Really? I got a better one. How about:

Dissed, disguised as bread.


Pissed you paid a lot for this bread.

Crazy Good Bread Co.

4191 Carpinteria Ave #12
Carpinteria, CA


Categories: Food, Humor, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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