Pucker Up!

I Googled “What to do when life gives you lemons” and this is the answer they came up with:

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!”

Yay, isn’t life wonderful? I love to make shitty things taste sweet! See how much better life can be with some sugar poured on top?

Oh, shove it Pollyanna!

Sure, make the goddamn lemonade… but spit the seeds into someone’s face first so that you get some sort of satisfaction because frankly, I don’t see how lemonade is gonna make life better. Lemonade is just too acidic to make life better. It’s just a stomach ache waiting to happen. Plus, it takes a LOT of goddamn sugar to make it taste good!

What genius thought that coming up with a sugar-free version was a good idea? Isn’t that just water with lemon juice, not “lemonade”? Why not just shove half a lemon into your mouth and bite down, then follow with a splash of water? There… there’s your goddamn sugar-free lemonade asshole, how’s it taste? Oh, your lips are puckering, hmm, I wonder why?

It’s because it’s a lemon. 

I also Googled “How to get your man to respect you” and you know the answer they came up with?

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!”

Yeah, can you believe it? You’re Googling that right as we speak, aren’t you? Hey, go ahead, don’t take my word for it! But don’t get disappointed and then come back to me complaining because you know what I’ll tell ya?

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade! Now go suck one!”

Why am I talking about lemons anyway, I thought I was talking about morons? 

I’ve been dealing with this hot, spicy Colombian with whom I am struggling to gain respect from (you know how those latin men are… they don’t respect a woman superior to them), and I figured the first thing I needed to do was to make myself totally available to him, no matter what my schedule, but to not let him know I was doing it. So when he called me and asked me when I had time to see him, I blurted out: “Anytime for you, Big Daddy!” 

ahem.

My next plan was I hinted like hell for him to take me out to lunch, you know, so I wouldn’t sound desperate or anything, but he hesitated, so I told him that I was buying my own lunch, that way, he’d understand that a self-made thousandaire such as myself didn’t need someone like him to pay my way, and he took the bait! Then I told him flat-out that he wouldn’t get sex until after we had lunch, just so he understood I meant business… and he totally agreed! Sucker. See? Now he’s gonna give me the respect I deserve!

20140918_132149

No pucker, sucker!

As it happens, we ended up at Lemonade. And no, this is not some fairytale “Make lemonade with your shitty life” kinda place in your mind, this is an actual um… food… place… restaurant… actually cafeteria would be more appropriate. Yeah, cafeteria because you stand in line with your tray and look at food through glass and tell the nice person behind the counter what you want. Then they dish out the food, write a ticket and send you on your way down the line until you’ve chosen everything you wanna eat…. like at a cafeteria. Remember those? No? Okay, then think about when you’ve gotten your food at school, a hospital or at court; it’s like that. Got it? Okay, let’s move on…

So we ordered what we wanted and when we got up to the register, they had a list of all their lemonade flavors of the day, which explained the stupid name of the place. I think there were about five different ones. Like they say: “When in lemonade, do as the lemons!” so I ordered one to go with my meal of miso-pineapple chicken breast and a side of butternut squash with ancho chile and corn. That was the winner, by the way, along with my Colombian’s brussels sprouts.

Yeah, he ordered brussels sprouts. I think he got confused because he should have ordered my butternut squash with corn and ancho chile instead, seeing as how he’s Latin American and all, not Brusselsish… or rather, from Brussels… what they hell are they called again? Oh yeah, Flemish. Weirdos.

Anyway, his brussels sprouts came roasted with onions and they were excellent! They were caramelized and tender, like little green gems of yummy goodness! My BS (that’s short for butternut squash, not brussels sprouts) was delicious too, with the crunchy contrast of corn against the sweet, tender squash and fruity ancho chile. It was a great combination! I wasn’t crazy about the lemonade though. I got the cucumber mint flavor and… I know this’ll come as a big surprise to you… but it wasn’t sour enough for me. It’s not that it was too sweet, it was just kinda bland, boring. There are other places in town to get better lemonade if you ask me.

As soon as we finished lunch, I got an overwhelming urge to squeeze my hot Colombian’s lemons, so I did, and you know what I got?

Lemonade

100 Promenade Way

Westlake Village, CA

805.778.9100

Categories: Beverages, Food, Humor, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , | 1 Comment

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One thought on “Pucker Up!

  1. Lemonade, my ass… Spit the seeds at people.

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