I love going to the hardware store because now, they have all this stuff that caters to women, like kitchen products and plants and candy and… yeah candy, can you believe it? This particular hardware store I frequent sells candy right at the check out, and it’s the retro kind too, like the kind you bought as a kid! No, I’m not talking about goddamn Reese’s Pieces, I’m talking about, if you were born before the year nineteen eighty f…
Did you know that there are more women going to hardware stores to buy DIY products today than compared to 30 years ago? What’s that? How many more? I don’t know exactly how many more… but a lot more. It seems that us women have learned how to fix things and build things without needing our male counterparts to do it for us… which is just stupid! Why did we ever want to take over banging nails into wood? I, for one, am not into breaking a nail so I can build a goddamn structure just to prove that I can! If you think about it, men are more properly equipped to bang things into other things anyway, why do you think they make hammers look like big, giant…
…anyway, I always pretend that I need help when I go, so that Mr. Hardware Store Guy can get what I need for me and I don’t have to walk all over the store searching for it. Smart, huh? And if he’s really cute, I can ask him important hardware store questions like: how big is his largest drill bit and was he ever a drill sergeant?… or, if a certain hole is clogged up, how would he snake it?… or, what’s the hardest he could pound nails? You know, shit like that.
Sometimes they think you’re stupid though, and if you give them the slightest inkling that you know more than they do, they get really irritated. I can clearly tell the ones that don’t like a woman showing ‘em up. For instance, the other day I was looking for a particular hook, so I asked a young Mr. Hardware Store Guy where I could find ‘em, and he took me to the “cute” hook section, you know, where you’ll find the sort of small hooks to hang coffee mugs on, which isn’t what I was looking for at all. He assumed that I wanted to “hang something cute in my apartment”, when what I really wanted was a decorative hook for this complicated project I was working on, so he kinda pissed me off.
I kindly told him that they weren’t the ones I was looking for and his answer to that was, “Those were the only kind they had”, which I instinctively knew wasn’t correct, so I went off on my own to search for what I needed, and low and behold, I found it! I knew I was going to… and since I’m the type of Girl who never passes up an opportunity to make someone feel like a moron when they act like one, I found him and kindly showed him exactly where the error of his ways lay. And did you know that the little shit didn’t even thank me for it?
Well after that, you can imagine that I was getting hungry and… you know where this is going next, right? Yep, food. Of course food, what else would I write about, sex?! I knew since I was next to a hardware store the only food choices were going to be shitty ones though. Now don’t get your panties all in a bunch, it’s true. Here’s what the choices were:
Some shitty Mexican take-out
Round Table Pizza (closed down)
99¢ Only Store (I just threw that one in for good measure)
P&L Burgers, which is a greasy spoon
I chose P&L Burgers because it’s cheap and they have a decent chicken kebab. Or, they used to have chicken kebab, they don’t offer it anymore, which I promptly found out. I was about to walk out because I wouldn’t order anything else they had on their menu since I didn’t wanna be burping up old grease all night with protests from my stomach, but the super nice lady at the counter suggested I get the Chicken Fajita Gyro instead. She said it was basically the same thing, but in a homemade pita, so I said “Sure, why not.”
It was so tasty, I guess you could say it was bangin’! *snicker* It had all the ingredients of their now infamous kebab: onion, green bell peppers and chicken, but instead of on a skewer, it was in a thick, homemade pita, which was quite tasty! I didn’t want french fries because of the… well you already know why, so I got a salad instead, which is what I used to get with the kebab, too. I love their Italian dressing that comes with it and they always give me extra. Plus, I asked the nice lady to please inform the kitchen not to overcook the chicken, which they have a tendency of doing, and it came out perfect! And all of it was under ten bucks too.
So after I ate, I realized that I had to go back into the hardware store because I had completely forgotten to get this particular little item and… you know, well it was the kind of item that you um… use to um… hang coffee cups…
2000-A East Avenida De Los Arboles
Thousand Oaks, CA