Drive Right Up!

I’ve decided I’m going to write a book, a self-help book, for all those people out there who really need it. It’s gonna teach you how to improve poor driving habits. You know, like, how to stop being a selfish, self-entitled asshole and be more courteous to the good drivers, like me, who really know how to handle a vehicle, and who’s sick and tired of having to share the road with morons. I’m gonna title it:

Why You Drive Like Such A Goddamn, Aggressive Asshole, And How You Can Change… You Selfish Moron!

Catchy, right?

The first chapter will be titled:

How Avoiding A Massive Cup Of Starbucks Coffee Before You Drive To Work Will Stop You From Wanting To Run Me Off The Road.

I know it’s self-explanatory, but I’ll toss some other stuff in there, just so it sinks in.

The second chapter will be titled:

Why You Killed That Innocent Person With Your Selfish Texting Behind The Wheel And How You Can Overcome The Guilt… You Selfish Moron! Was It Worth It To Text LOL And A Smileyface, Dumbass?!

That one’s a little long, but I think it’ll work.

The third chapter is just a picture of my giving you the finger, but I believe people will immediately understand its allegorical impact.

The last chapter will be titled:

How Selling Your BMW/Mercedes/Lexus Will Make You Stop Acting Like A Goddamn, Self-Entitled Asshole And Improve Your Shitty Attitude Towards Other Drivers… You Selfish Moron!

I like how there’s an obvious common thread through the whole thing: self-improvement, mostly for morons, and I just know it will resonate with the public. I’ll probably sell thousands… no, millions of books, world-wide! I can see it now, it’ll be on the New York Times’ best seller list and everything! Of course, I’ll need to figure out how to translate some of the words for those foreign idiots that don’t know what “moron” and “dumbass” mean, but I’m sure that won’t be too difficult. I need to find a publisher too. I don’t want to do that whole “self-publishing” baloney since that’s for people who wrote a shitty book that no publisher wants to touch, so they resort to self-help, which is the stupidest thing I’ve ev…

never mind.

Anyway, I rode a bicycle the other day and that’s what made me think of this whole book thing to begin with, because I was almost run off the road several times driving to Krazy Kathy’s house, and I’m getting sick and tired of almost being killed every time I drive because some asshole thinks that I should go faster!

We had decided to take a leisurely bike ride up to Ojai for the day, and we took the bike path the entire way, which is great because it has all this pretty scenery and we didn’t have to worry about getting run over and everything. The only bad thing about it, is that it’s a 30 mile ride, and that’s goddamn long way on a very uncomfortable bike seat. Let me tell you, I didn’t have much of a vagina left at the end of it!

But once we were up there, we found a great place to stuff our pieholes called Ojai Cafe Emporium, which is another stupid name for a restaurant, but anyway, the patio is great and the food was fantastic! I started my meal with a sweet, gooey cinnamon roll, which was a sticky, delicious masterpiece, and I normally don’t start off a meal like that, but hey, I was pretty goddamn hungry after that beaver-bashing, bush-whackering, cookie-smashing, vajayjay-crusher!

Have you seen this in your rear-view mirror?

Have you seen this in your rear-view mirror?

When my dish came, which was a delicious spinach Quiche, the thing that immediately caught my eye was the dinner roll that came with it, which was shaped like a… like a… well, it was shaped like an ass. Our super-friendly server asked whether I wanted a “white” one, or a “dark” one, which is pretty racist if you ask me, but because I’ve never had a dark one before, I got that. Well, they must’ve been reading my mind because I had just been thinking about all those asshole drivers, and then I get a roll that looks just like the ones I see on the road, except they’re all different colors, not just black, like my dinner roll. I was impressed!

So was it worth the long bike ride up there to eat at Ojai Cafe Emporium… in Ojai? Hell yeah, I didn’t have to drive with all those morons! Anyway, once my book has been published, I can drive up there all I want and skip the bike ride. In the mean time, don’t ride up my ass… you selfish moron! 

Ojai Cafe Emporium

108 S. Montgomery St.

Ojai, CA


Categories: Breakfast, Brunch, Food, Humor, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , | 3 Comments

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3 thoughts on “Drive Right Up!

  1. I’m thinking that self help book could help millions — like the one that ran my motorcycle off the road this morning.

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