Sometimes life is a lark. Like for instance, last week I was bored to tears, but this week was a very pleasant week and… hang on a second, it wasn’t pleasant, that’s too limp of a word for what my week was. It was adventurous and pleasure-filled! Yeah, that’s it; adventurous, pleasure-filled and, well… put it this way: it wasn’t limp either, if you know what I mean… *snort, snicker*
Me and my hot Colombian date had a… date. You know how those Latin men are, right? Yeah, well me too, that’s why I would never date one! No, this one’s Colombian American, thank God. As long as they’re American, then I’ll date ‘em. Forget the ones fresh off the boat, too high maintenance! By the way, ever notice that Latins have very smooth skin? Their skin is weirdly smooth. I mean, don’t you think it’s weird that a man would have smoother skin than a woman? To me, there’s something wrong with that. They need to have some hair, otherwise it’s too um… too um… lesbian-ish. I like my man to be a man, don’t go metro-sexual and wax your hair off, for crying out loud! I like you hairy, not smooth and confused! At least have some goddamn arm and leg hair Pedro, and don’t touch the cowbells, I like ‘em big and hai…
Luckily, my hot Colombian date had plenty of body hair and was a real romantic! Not like the other creeps I went out with. He picked me up on his motorcycle (I know, sexy huh?) and said: “Hurry up, get on! And don’t friggin’ fall off the back, either. I just got insurance.” I just love a man who’s forceful like that! He even lent me a pair of gloves and a helmet. I think it’s a sign of maturity when a man knows about safety.
Since we had no specific plan, we decided to wing it, so we rode up to Santa Barbara just before dark, to see what was up there, just on a lark, and ended up passing this beautiful park, where you could hear all the damn dogs bark. Well, everywhere else looked particularly stark, especially when compared with this spectacular park, so we finally decided to search for a goddamn place to eat since we were stark-ing… no, I mean starving.
Anyway, we rode down the street, turned a corner, and there it was, staring back at us: The Lark. It’s a restaurant. Yeah… I know… stupid name. What the hell could I possibly do with the word lark? I was skeptical because any restaurant with such a retarded name couldn’t possibly be good, but I decided to go in with my usual unprejudiced, open mind. When we walked in, they were able to seat us at a table right away, which was a good thing because I don’t think my Colombian date had much patience. He kept telling me to hurry the hell up as he walked ahead of me really fast. I think he must have been hungry or something… that’s probably why he didn’t hold the door open for me either. But that’s alright, he made up for it later when he apologized for calling me by his ex- girlfriend’s name all night.
Anyway, as soon as we sat down, the very nice busperson brought over a small dish of popcorn, which you’d probably think was really cool and trendy, right? Well it’s not, it’s obnoxious, especially when you’re hungry! I don’t wanna eat goddamn popcorn, give me a loaf of bread and slab of butter, sheesh! They thought they’d fancy it up by adding lemon zest, basil and dried seaweed to it… on popcorn… Jesus Christ, only in California!
But the food only got better from there. Everything we ate was spectacular and innovative and delicious, but my favorite was the ratatouille. Okay Lark restaurant, it’s a real s t r e t c h to refer to that dish as ratta-tat,tooey. It’s basically just a pile of grilled vegetables on a plate, but I’ll let it slide because this was the best plate of veggies I’ve ever eaten in my life! Well okay, at least in the past few months. The veggies tasted like they’d just been picked out of the ground and thrown on the grill. They put this delicious, black sauce on the bottom of the plate too, that the server referred to as ash…
…okay, hold on a second… first, you name the place a weird friggin’ word, then the goddamn popcorn with lemon zest and seaweed and now “ash”? Are you all stoned over there at Lark Restaurant? But I have to admit, it was totally delicious! It imparted a warm, smoky flavor to the dish and brought out the fresh flavors of the veggies. Unfortunately we didn’t have room for any dessert until we drove by this excellent place that served the best ice cream and frozen yogurt called…
…I’m gonna save that for another time. In the mean time, if you ever find yourself up there in good ‘ol Santa Barbara, you should go there on a…
131 Anacapa Street
Santa Barbara, CA