Okay, I’ve been completely bored as far as food the past week, I just couldn’t find anything exciting, and the boredom culminated in my visit to the most boring place on the planet. Well, at least the most boring in the Connayo, which is also boring.
If you wanna go somewhere that has a total lack of culture, be surrounded by boring white people in boring clothes, sipping boring wine and eating extraordinarily boring food, then go to this place. I’d call it yuppster hell (that’s the new term for the modern Yuppy. It even says so on the internet).
It’s so boring, it’s like reading the minutes of a Thousand Oaks city council meeting… or like eating a poached egg with no salt… or watching grass grow… or like sitting through a church sermon hosted by Jimmy Fallon…
This place couldn’t be more boring if you added the word “boring” to their name, which would make it The Boring Stonehaus, when it’s actually just The Stonehaus. Hmmm, a German name… now that’s downright frightening when combined with the fact that it’s filled with only wealthy, white people.
When I was there the first time (yes, I went more than once), I ordered their listless, overpriced pizza, which I didn’t enjoy because who the hell enjoys listless, overpriced pizza? So I knew I wasn’t going to go that route again, and the only reason I ordered it was because I immediately spotted their outdoor pizza oven, and I love a wood-fired pizza! Well, turns out that their oven is, um… their oven is um… uh… how shall I put this? Well, there’s just no way around it: it’s a gas oven. Plus, The Stonehaus is made entirely out of stone, hence the name! I mean, Jesus Christ, could the owner get any more obvious?! Is he even German? And if not, what the hell is the world coming to?!
So I had to choose something else from their circumscribed menu, which was no easy feat since I was really bored and really hungry, but the thought of eating an overpriced, mediocre-sounding Panini was probably going to put me into a coma!
Well, I ordered one…
I had to! There wasn’t much to choose from to begin with! I guess I must have been sitting too closely to their gas oven and inhaled too many fumes, too. And get this: it had goddamn brie cheese and pear on it… and it was open-faced… Jesus Christ, can you get anymore white than that?! Pear and brie on a goddamn open-faced sandwich? OH, and some goddamn white-meat chicken, I almost forgot to mention that shit! Plus, they served it to me on a wooden board! Now c’mon, that’s just taking things a little too far, and since I know everything about taking things a little too far, you can trust me when I make that statement!
I mean, sure, the outdoor area is very pretty with it’s wine-centric decor of grapevines, rosemary and lavender, wine barrel planters, outdoor fire-pit tables (well, maybe not those) and water feature, so I can see the draw. I just can’t get past the bocce ball court, cigar smoke and snobby-ish attitude of the food runners either, so it looks like a lose-lose situation.
Wait, they do have excellent gelato though, I will say that. It’s really delicious and happens to be the best gelato I’ve found anywhere in Honkey-ville. The chocolate and pistachio flavors are divine, so I’d go back there for some of that… and just give the outdoor pizza oven a wide girth.
32039 Agoura Rd.
Westlake Village, CA