Q&A WITH THE ARMCHAIR OENOPHILE
Ladies and Gentlemen, we are here today with the very knowledgeable Armchair Oenophile, a wine snob, who currently has his monthly article published in a local magazine that shall remain nameless. It’s so snooty and overrun with print ads, thank God it’s free, because I can’t imagine paying for that crap! Just so you know, it has the numbers 805 in it…
Anyway, thank you for joining us today AO, can I call you that?
Uh, well, I suppose it’s…
…okay yeah, good, it’s too long to pronounce. So why the word “oenophile”? Can’t you pick a phrase that everyone can understand, like “wine lover”?
I wanted my name to stand out and Wine Lover made me sound too much like a Casanova. So even though I’m good with the ladies, I wanted this to be about wine.
If I were you, I wouldn’t worry about it sounding like Casanova, I would worry about it sounding like the word “pedophile”. Are you one?
Absolutely not! I’ll have you know that I only date ladies between the ages of 18 and 20! Anyway, people can bash pedophiles all they want, but at least they drive slowly past the schools!
(private note to my readers: my spell-checker kept wanting to change the word to pedophile, so I think he’s a total dumbass for wanting to keep that stupid name!)
Ahem, let’s continue. Do you think it comes across as stuffy sipping wine in an armchair?
Only if you’re old.
Well how old are you?
Oenophilia is described by one food critic as such: “An affliction of the senses characterized by intense cravings for good food, good service and vintage wines served in a tasteful, comfortable setting at reasonable prices.” Do you agree?
Oh really? I thought it meant “wine lover”. Well, I agree with the “reasonable prices” part.
So you don’t drink expensive wines?
Only if someone else is paying.
So does that still qualify you for the moniker then?
I don’t need to correct my vision with eyewear, and even if I did, I wouldn’t wear the one-eye kind!
No, that’s a monacle. Moniker means a name.
Whatever. Next question!
What’s the best type of wine to give someone you don’t really like?
Give them a Merlot.
Hmm, isn’t that what you’re drinking right now?
It was a gift from someone who’s very special to me!
What’s your favorite pairing?
Ben and Jerry. Either that, or Gumby and Pokey. Or maybe Batman and Robin…
No. I meant pairing wine with food
Ben and Jerry happen to make ice cream! Are you going to ask me any serious questions or not?
Sure, I’ll ask you a serious question: Do you use your moniker, oh I’m sorry, I mean, name… *snicker*… to get free drinks at bars?
I… uh… of course I… surely, you can’t be serious?
I only do it when I’m broke! Are you going to print that?
Any other comments?
When do I get my $20 fee?