Holy Cow!

 Okay, I’m going to get serious…

…or maybe that’s not exactly what I mean. What I mean is that I’m gonna, you know, not be so… so… hard on people and point out what complete morons they are. I’m going to make a concerted effort to just stick to a subject (food) and not get all caught up in how many goddamn morons there are in the world! I’m not going to talk about all the idiots I encountered the past week while trying to do my magnificent job while they, (the goddamn morons) go about their pathetic lives (which seems to be acting like morons without getting paid)!

So like I said, I’m going to just stick to the subject and not go off on a rant. I’m going to stay the course; go the distance; not let the turkeys get me down; keep my eyes on the prize, spank the monkey… 


Yes, butter. This is the subject of today’s um… food. Yes I did go out to eat last week so I could write about it, but something butter came up. No, that’s not a typo sheesh, dontcha get it?! What are you anyway, the goddamn alphabet police or something?

“Hey lady, get yer goddamn vowels straight or I’m gonna have to ticket you!”

“Hey copper, go butter your night stick and shove it up your better half.”

…or should I say: butter half? *snicker, snort* You know, I should have been a comedy writer, I’m so good at this stuff! Why the hell did I choose food?! What the hell’s so funny about goddamn food anyway?

Okay, back to butter; I love butter, it’s the best thing on this planet! If I could live on bread and butter alone, I’d do it. How much easier would my life be if that were the case? All I’d have to worry about making for dinner, is what type of bread I’m going to eat. Of course, you’d get tired of reading my blog, since every week, it’d be about butter, so maybe that’s not such a good thing. Unless you love butter as much as I do, and then I’d try to make it as interesting as possible. For instance, I’d tell you what kind of bread I spread my butter on, and whether it was toasted or not toasted; white, wheat, sourdough; with a crust, or without; bagel, english muffin, etc.

But (ter) right now, I’m going to tell you about my favorite butters. Keep in mind though; I’m only going to talk about the commercial butters, and not some hand-crafted, small batch butter you can only get at the farmer’s market or snotty organic food market. Oh, and before I go any further, I have to say this: I only eat unsalted butter, got it? Salting butter is an evil practice that should be outlawed… like wearing pastel pantsuits! Yuck, ugh, holy crap, Jesus Christ, they’re awful! Are you reading this Hillary?! Because someone shoulda said something a loooong time ago! Before you know it, autumn’s gonna come and you’ll switch to jewel tones, which aren’t much butter… I mean, better! 

Whew, okay I feel much butter.

So my all time favorite butter is Organic Valley, out of Wisconsin (you know, the cheese state) and they’re a farmer-owned co-op, whatever that means. Really, I don’t give a cow’s behind how they make it, as long as they make it! It’s creamy… really creamy, and dense and… and… well, buttery. It’s how every butter should taste like! And yes, you can really taste the difference. If you can’t, then you’re a goddamn moron who probably eats salted butter!

My next favorite is Horizon organic butter. Not only is their butter creamy and delicious, the tag line on their website says: “Go ahead, spread it on.” Holy shit, that’s exactly what I was thinking! That is some serious sexy-talk, Horizon, you dirty, little udder-squeezers! That line right there, is a panty-dropper! I bet your cows are happy! Jeez, no wonder your butter’s so good! I’m gonna say that line on my next date! 

O, that really hits the spot!

O, that really hits the spot!

Okay, the next choice is O Organics, from Vons. Yeah, Vons. I know, I know, it’s not the same quality as my first two choices, but it’s not bad in a pinch. Plus, it got my cat’s lick of approval, so it made the list. I’m sure the Big O they have on their packaging attracts a lot of female customers too, if you kn O w what I mean…

The one that’s the very last choice for me, is Trader Joe’s organic butter. It’s not even a choice really. I try to avoid it since it’s a complete disappointment. I don’t get that creamy, rich flavor like I do with the others and it just doesn’t taste right. Plus, it’s not that much cheaper, so my tag line for them would be: “Like an STD, don’t spread it!”

Categories: Food, Humor, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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4 thoughts on “Holy Cow!

  1. 👥 me and my besties thought you where so funny my page is new just wondering if you wanted to read bye💬

  2. I’ve always wanted to get paid for my moronicness.

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