I Do… Not!

Does it count when you go to a wedding and eat the food and then blog about it? I think it should because it wasn’t catered, it was at an actual restaurant where the reception was held, and my friend, who was the bride, mentioned that she was hoping I was going to blog about it. Well okay, that’s not exactly what she said. She said something to the effect of “Oh watch, this is all going to be mentioned in your blog tomorrow, isn’t it?” to which I replied: “Hmph mmmlurp phsrts.” which was the perfect, vague answer… plus, my mouth was full… plus, she was really drunk anyway… plus she was leaving for her honeymoon the next day… and if she’s reading my blog on her honeymoon, she’s got bigger problems than me writing about the food that was served at her wedding! 

It’s not even worth going to all this trouble anyway because the food was really, really mediocre. But the view… the view was spectacular! We were at the The Harbor restaurant in Santa Barbara, which is on the pier, and it made the whole experience bearable, meaning the food, not the wedding, which luckily, was fantastic, even though they’re suckers for doing it. But I love weddings because they bring out the best and worst in everyone, and you’ll be witness to a most unusual occurrence that… that… occurs only at weddings and funerals: starting out as an almost perfectly normal moron, then adding alcohol and becoming an idiotic moron with a social behavioral problem and bad breath. 

Like marriage, only just as awful.

Like marriage, only just as awful.

Yeah, true story! I’ve been to many and can personally testify to witnessing this phenomen… phenomenal… phenomen, phen… phenomena…

ahem.

Anyway, I had potato crusted salmon *yawn* and it had a sauce that vaguely tasted like lobster and served on a bed of… *yawn* potatoes. I know, I know, I usually love potatoes! I love ‘em so much I’d marry ‘em! But really, this dish was just soooo boring, and who wants to be married to boredom? Apparently, a lot of people… but anyway, the view really makes this restaurant worth a visit… if you wanna spend a lot of money sitting in a restaurant eating mediocre, potato crusted salmon, which, if you think about it, is an activity that closely resembles marriage.

I was also asked if I was going to blog about the food served to me by this really nice couple that I had never met before, who were the friends of a very special friend of mine, and who invited us over for dinner. Well they were jokingly saying they were worried I was going to blog about the dinner they prepared, and of course, I told them I wouldn’t, because I only write about food I buy, and not about food that’s given to me, which, turns out, isn’t really true because I’m blogging about it right now. And I’m blogging about it because I didn’t have time to go out to eat anywhere this week due to all of my social obligations; wedding, dinner at a stranger’s house and watching porn through the window of my neighbor’s house.

So the nice couple made this delicious seared ahi and… okay, I know some of you are thinking: “Yawn… ahi, really?” or wait… maybe that’s my brain… but anyway, I never turn down a fresh piece of deliciously prepared ahi; I just never get sick of it. So they coated this giant piece of deep ruby colored, delicious ahi with sesame seeds, garlic and some spices and it was perfectly seared and executed! In fact, it was better than any ahi I’ve had at any restaurant or sushi bar… possibly ever! I know that’s a bold statement and really, I’m making it in the chances that the nice couple are reading this and want to invite me over again. Plus, they also had beautiful children, and a fabulous place, very stylishly decorated, with spectacular views from their equally stylish rooftop patio! Plus, they were stylish… and super nice… and had excellent taste in friends… and wine!

ahem.

Anyway, the dinner was so good, it was hard to believe they were married! So to them, I say I do, when I don’t, but I will… and to my dear friend who said “I do”… I can’t… not again. So if you’re gonna do this again, don’t… or at least, don’t ask me to come.

The Harbor Restaurant

210 Stearns Wharf

Santa Barbara, CA

805.963.3311

 

Categories: Food, Humor, Love, Satire, Seafood | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

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