Don’t you wonder what the hell certain foods are sometimes? Not me… you, since I’m a food writer. Anyway, you see these things on a menu, hear about them, or have even eaten them without knowing exactly what they are, but just toss them down your gullet anyway since you probably realize that they’re in there for good reason… but wondered what the hell it is?

Take capers, for instance. Maybe you don’t know what the heck those damn little salty, green things are. Maybe you like ‘em, maybe you don’t. Maybe you’ve never had one. Well they’re the pickled bud of the caper bush. The bush grows profusely throughout the Mediterranean and parts of Asia, and are enjoyed by everyone from Italians, French, Spanish, North Africans, Middle Easterners, and… and… other people like that; you know… fuzzy foreigners. Anyway, they’re salty with a sort of green, pickle-y flavor. So the next time to see a small, round, dark green thingy in your food, you’ll know that it’s a caper. Either that or someone sneezed into your dish. 

How did anyone think to pick the budding bush of the caper, salt it and then pour vinegar over it to make it a delicious, salty treat anyway? Should we be eating small, round, salty green things in the first place? These are rhetorical questions…

You know what annoys me?… besides people, I mean? (not a rhetorical question): using food words to describe other foods. You know, like saying: “Capers taste like a saltier gherkin.” Well what if you’ve never had a goddamned gherkin? Or even more annoying… when wine connoisseurs use words not associated with grapes to describe wine. For instance, saying: “This red wine has notes of tobacco, leather and vanilla.” Leather, really?! I’ve never eaten leather before, but wow, I’d have never known that a goddamned glass of wine could taste like the seat of my car! And if it’s a bad red wine, that it tastes like when I farted into the seat of my car… thanks for clearing that up for me!

How about just saying: “It tastes like a juicy, red grape that’s been fermented.”? How ‘bout that instead? I mean, that’s what it is, and it gets straight to the point, right? Noooooo, that wouldn’t sell the wine, would it? Who the hell would buy that crap? No, you need to use exotic word combinations like dark berryballs, sweet, hairy chestnut, hardened scrap wood, waxy stirrup, brass knucklenut and knotty clapboard pine needle! 

lentil burger

What’s that green thing?

So now I have to tell you about the food I ate the other day without sounding like a goddamned moron. Luckily, the food I wanna talk about is only a lentil burger and not some gourmet item I have to use special words for. I mean, what can you say about a green lentil burger other than it was “awful”, or “delicious”? Green lentils don’t have much flavor, which always made me wonder why the French like ‘em so much. They use green lentils all the time, and are referred to as “French, green lentils”. I have no idea why and I don’t care because the French are also annoying.

Another thing that’s annoying, and I need to just get this in here since I’m pointing all this stuff out: weird restaurant names that have some anecdotal meaning to the owner, but that the customers don’t give a shit about, like Duck Dive, where my date took me. 

Okay, so me ‘n my hot date went to this new gastropub with the stupid name, in Malibu and… I know, I ended up back “there” for some reason. I try not to go too often because I don’t want to be associated with those snotty assholes that live by the beach, but that’s where my date took me and I wanted him to hump me later, so I went along with it.

So yeah, anyway, this place has the stupidest name AND it’s a gastropub, which only means one thing: they’re going to have those goddamned annoying s l i d e r s on their menu; a stupid trend that should’ve been over, like, two years ago already. But they had this green lentil burger that my date ordered and I took a huge bite of (I wanted to impress him with how big I could open my mouth) and you know what? It was pretty delicious! It’s not something I would ever order myself since I prefer stuff like the PEI mussels they had, but I recommend it nonetheless.

No, I’m not going to describe it, it’s a goddamned burger made out of green lentils, for crying out loud! You’ll just have to go there yourself to try it. They also have a delicious Habanero pineapple Margarita that I recommend getting if you wanna get ripped off since it was 12 goddamned dollars for a six-ounce drink! Hello? If you wanna bend me over, at least ask my date if it’s alright first, sheesh! But then again, it is Malibu we’re talking about. 

Anyway, that’s it. I’m tired and this duck’s gonna dive…

Duck Dive Gastropub

29169 Heathercliff Rd.

Malibu, CA


Categories: Alcohol, Food, Humor, Margaritas, Satire | Tags: , , , , | 2 Comments

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2 thoughts on “Quack!

  1. I hope the date went well. If he made you go to the Duck Dive and eat a lentil burger, you should have at least got to go duck diving.

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