Thank You For Asking… Peanut

So you walk up to the nice person behind the counter to order your coffee and they ask “How are you?” and so then you reply (if you’re polite, and not a dumbass); “Great, how are you?” and then they respond with “I’m great, thanks for asking!” which is a stupid thing to say when responding to the question “How are you?” because it doesn’t require a “thank you” in return. It doesn’t require anything in return… so shut the hell up.

But that’s not what they really mean anyway. What they really mean is:

“I’m not great actually, now that you ask… I’m actually miserable doing this shitty job, and I want to make sure you know how difficult my day is by thanking you for asking something that shouldn’t be thanked for doing in the first place, but I want you to think that you’re the only jerk in my entire, miserable day that took time to ask me that question and making myself look like a victim, because there are a lot of dumbasses out there who don’t give a shit that I’m working my ass off for their stupid cup of coffee. So I want you to know how grateful I am that you even took notice to ask how the HELL I am, and not have it be all about YOU and your goddamned coffee!! … you know, since you asked.”

So it begs the question: Why can’t we all say what we mean and be honest and stop lying, huh? Why do we have to put on these pretenses and make everything nicey-nicey?

I’ll tell you why. Because I don’t want to hear you whining about your goddamned day asshole! Lie to me! Tell me you’re doin’ great, that you love life, that your dog survived cancer, that your car didn’t cost $1000 bucks to fix, that your boss isn’t the narcissistic asshole everyone thinks he is, that you got sex from your “life partner” last night, even though that’s a goddamned annoying way to refer to the person you’re humping like a jack rabbit! And if you’re humping her like a giant squirrel with long ears, then why are you surprised she turned you down in the first place, you sorry dumbass?! Tell me you’re doin’ great and don’t thank me for asking either, moron!

ahem.

Found a peanut!

Found a peanut!

But there are times when I want you to be honest. Like for instance, the other day when I bought a goddamn tin of mixed nuts and it stated on the wrapper that there were fewer than 70% peanuts, and there actually weren’t, there were a whole shitload of ‘em and not a whole shitload of anything else, so it was more like 93% peanuts (if I had to guess the math).

I think I got one brazil nut and it wasn’t even whole, it was half, and it looked like it was gnawed on by an obese squirrel with long ears and thrown back because it wasn’t tasty enough. Then there was a smidgen of a pecan (which is pronounced PICCAN, PEE CAHN, PEE CAN, AND PICKAHNN), and some crappy almonds and that was it, the rest was goddamn peanuts, which are my least favorite! And don’t even bother going by the picture on the package because it’s just one big lie! Your goddamn nuts aren’t going to look that good, let me tell you!

So why not just be honest, Mr. Nutty Asshole who picked, sorted and packed the nuts?! Why don’t you just put this on the package:

“You’re about to buy our mixed nuts, which should really be called ‘Peanuts, with some shitty pieces of other nuts thrown in’. But don’t get too excited because there aren’t going to be that many since we like to rip you off by filling this tin with mostly peanuts to increase our profits, since peanuts are the cheapest and we like to treat our customers like they’re stupid dumbasses.”

And why the hell are you calling them pea-NUTS when they’re not even nuts, they’re really a legume, which is a BEAN, for crying out loud! That just pisses me off to no end when you can’t just be truthful about the shit that really matters, which is not how your goddamn day is going, but rather, that we call a nut a nut and a bean a bean and not a goddamn peanut… or legume… which happens to be one of those weird words that I don’t like pronouncing… like the word “dildo”… or the word “capitalism”… which are almost synonyms if you think about it… 

…my little peanut.

 

Categories: Food, Humor, Satire, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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