Bag ‘O Spud

There’s nothing that compares to the exact moment when you realize you got screwed over, is there? In that moment, which takes a split second, there’s a mixture of disbelief, realization, awe, and goddamned pissed off… in that exact same order too! 

Think about it; you are in disbelief that it actually happened… to you… of all people! Then, as the disbelief dissipates and the realization sinks in, you come out of denial and get good and pissed off! But right before that moment… the moment of extreme pissed-off-ness… there’s a brief, but very real feeling of… awe. Yeah awe, that sense of someone having the audacity to do what they did to you in the first place… and then almost get away with it, and you think: “You smart, little bastard. You almost got me!”

And then you want to do something about it, right away! You want to get back at the midget bastard, or whoever did this thing to you, and get a little justice… and you won’t feel better until you do. It’s all you can think about! 

Just take all this in for a moment… 

…you’re starting to feel your pulse quicken as you read this, aren’t you? You’re thinking about the last time you got screwed over and it’s making your blood pressure rise, especially if you haven’t gotten the satisfaction you deserve, am I right? Are you good and pissed off again, ready to take some action, get justice… revenge even?!!

Well, maybe some potatoes are in order. 

I’m just sayin’, maybe you outta calm down, get yourself under control, soothe the savage beast within, and eat some goddamned delicious potatoes. I mean, that’s what I did… 

…after I blew up the asshole’s car!

ahem. It wasn’t me.

But life has a funny way of giving you back some justice. It comes in many forms, you just have to keep your eye out for it or you might miss it. Mine was a car wash and a bag of potato chips. Yep, that’s right, that’s what I said; a car wash and a goddamned bag of friggin’ Lays potato chips

I went to get my car washed (shitty as it is, it still needs a bath from time to time), and I got the cheapest one, since paying fifteen bucks for a Mexican to wash my car is just asking too much, so I only got the outside done, and not the inside. I did this right before I went to manifest my own brand of justice to the asshole that bent me over and gave it to me in the back door when I wasn’t looking, by the way. No one’s gonna take you seriously if you show up in a goddamned, filthy beater-mobile! It’s perfectly alright to have a shitty car, especially when you wanna threaten someone, but it needs to be clean, otherwise you just look like an asshole! 

So after I TCB’d (took care of some goddamned business), I looked at my shitty car and noticed that the guys at the car wash didn’t do a very good job. In fact, they did a really crappy job. So now I had to drive all the way back to have them do it over again, and I was getting pissed off because it was wasting my time! But before I got myself all worked up again, I calmed down because I knew I wasn’t gonna get any satisfaction going in with the bull horns on, no sir-ee! The best way to appeal to a male’s machismo is to act like he’s the one making the decision and you’re just a dumb female. Works every time! 

So when I drove up, I appealed to his masculinity *snicker* and told him my dilemma in the sweetest voice I could muster, and of course he immediately wanted to save the dumb female with the bitchen, blonde hair and shitty car, and before I could say: pass the guacamole, he ordered me the full Wash ‘n Wonder, Shine ‘n Shinola, the Whole Shebang, the Side of Beef, the Giant Tamale, the…


A fool and his potato are soon parted.

…you get the point.

So I got a full service car wash but only paid the cheaper price for it. Hey, it’s not my fault they can’t wash a car, maybe they should pay attention! Anyway, when I went inside to the cashier to get my freebie, right there in front of me, was the snack vending machine dispenser thingy… and my bag of potato justice, staring me right in the face!

Someone had tried to get their bag of potato justice, but got screwed because like most of those goddamned vending machines, your food gets stuck and it steals your money, so the person that initially wanted the bag of potato chips lost their money, so they just left it. What a dumbass!

But it was to my benefit, so I’m okay with it.

So how did I manage to get it loose when the dumbass that paid for it couldn’t?

I’m not telling.


Categories: Food, Humor, Potatoes, Satire, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

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