Keep It Fresh!

Just to set the record straight, I’m not naturally blonde… anymore. Now I have to add blonde to my hair to keep it blonde. I used to have naturally blonde hair when I was younger but it grew out into a dark, dark blonde in my late twenties, and it stayed that way only because I happened to move out of the sunlight and into an enormous, dark cloud called San Francisco, and my hair didn’t see the sun for seven years. Neither did my face, which is probably a good thing because then I’d have to try to reverse what I screwed up with skin peels and Botox. It’s about keeping up appearances, which is a full-time job!

Supposedly, you can’t just work on the parts you can see either, like your face. Now you gotta deal with maintenance in the nether regions: waxing, tightening, that kinda stuff. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I think you should keep up appearances on what’s going on past the equator. So you should get yourself a big mirror, stick it down there and take a good look at your junk; front AND back… even if you’re not Greek and don’t want anyone coming in through the back door, it’s still a good idea to check it, to make sure it’s fresh and everything looks alright… if someone you know happens to like it. Not that that… back there… ever looks particularly attractive to me. Not even my cats when they stick up their tails to show off theirs… and believe me, I really love my cats!

I’ve heard that some people try to make it look better by… uh… they uh… how should I put this? They… clean it up a little and… uhhh… well, let’s just say that it’s like when you’re doing the laundry and you’re washing the whites… and uh, you add a little bleach to the load, to… you know, make your things look… whiter and brighter… 


Well, I’ve heard that’s what people are doing nowadays, okay?! Some people prefer the color white over the color brown, like that guy Donald Sterling… and the people who live in Westlake Village and Agoura! I mean, they’re assholes too! 

Luckily, the only maintenance I have to do besides make my hair blonder is to paint my toes once in a while. Okay, that and work out… and eat healthfully… and meditate… and do goddamned yoga… and avoid coffee, sugar and fat… and alcohol, and sun, and stress… then have sex and go to therapy… then go to a psychic and have more sex… then go to the museum, then go to the doctor, then…

…go to hell, I’m a food writer, I can’t possibly keep up with all of that! Okay, I can definitely avoid the stupid museums and the psychics… and probably the therapy… but I’m not giving up the goddamned sex, sugar and alcohol!

Fresh! Sort of…

Anyway, since I found it difficult to avoid the bad stuff this past weekend, I figured I’d get something healthy to eat for lunch and I thought a salad would be good, so I thought of getting a pre-made salad from TJs, since they make pretty decent ones, but they have like, a thousand calories per salad, so decided I’d better not. Then I remembered hearing about this place called Salad Gourmet, so I went there. I’m kinda glad I went there… I think.

Just because it’s in the name, doesn’t mean it’s gourmet though. It’s an assembly line of “gourmet” items that go into a salad of your choice, which is ironic since there’s a Subyuk sandwich shop right next door, with the same assembly line concept to make whatever crappy sandwich you want. I ordered the Chicken Tortilla salad, which was stupid because I just had some goddamned Chicken Tortilla soup, so now I’m writing about CTS (chicken tortilla salad)! It’s basically the same thing, but with lettuce instead of broth. It wasn’t bad though. The salad comes with crunchy tortilla chips, seasoned chicken, creamy avocado, sweet corn, black beans, black olives, fresh tomato and red onion, and it came with a really nice lime cilantro dressing and some pita bread and you know, it wasn’t half bad. I’d probably go back when I wanna feel like I’m eating something healthful, even though it’s probably not as healthy as I’d like to think it is since everything is pre-made. I guess that’s called lying to yourself.

That’s alright though, I do it all the time.

Salad Gourmet

Janss Marketplace Food Court

Thousand Oaks, CA


Categories: Food, Humor, Salads, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , | 3 Comments

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3 thoughts on “Keep It Fresh!

  1. I moved to an enormous dark cloud called Seattle. I’m sorry that you live near Subyuk sandwich. I may eat awful pizza and burgers but no way I’m eating that Subway crap.

Have you digested this?

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