One of my new favorite pastimes is riding a bike on the bike path along the beach in Ventura, especially when the weather’s pleasant. But the last couple of times, it was annoying as hell to navigate because of all the goddamned… uh… you know… people! They kept getting in the way, especially the “little” people, and I’m not talking about midgets either. You’ll know when I’m talking about midgets because I use the term “midget”, and not “little people”, which I use to describe the annoying little brats referred to as other people’s children, so as not to confuse you when I say midget… or little people.
Are you following me?
When I say little people, you’ll know I’m talking about people’s stupid little snot-nosed brats and not the full-grown, short adults… with stumpy legs… and creepy fingers…
Okay, okay, I know they can’t help it, it’s not their fault and I’m not judging, I’m just pointing out an obvious flaw in the genetic… gene pool. Not everyone has long, elegant fingers like me, I get that, and nobody’s perfect. I mean, I’m not perfect either; I have this toe right next to my second-to-the-big toe (I guess that would be the middle toe) and I broke it a few years ago and now it’s slightly off-center to my otherwise gorgeous toes, on my otherwise gorgeous feet, which happens to be attached to my equally gorgeous body, so I understand the fact that nobody can be perfect. I want you to know that I suffer along with all those midgets because of the shitty card dealt to me when I broke my goddamned toe, it’ll never be the same!
But I can’t help it if I’m creeped out by their stubby digits, sheesh! Hey midgets: are you listening? I accept all you midgets out there for who you are! Just don’t scoop my goddamned ice cream cone, okay? Your fingers and arms aren’t long enough to reach into the bucket and I don’t want them touching my goddamned ice cream! You can take my money for my frozen yogurt since that’s self-serve, thank God, but don’t touch my cone!
I’d hate to be in line at the ice cream parlor, only to get up to the front and see a midget working behind the counter, who I missed the first time because they’re too goddamned short to see behind all that glass, and then having to tell them to their round faces that I’m completely creeped out by their shitty little fingers and now I have to leave and go wait in line somewhere else for my goddamned ice cream because they ain’t scooping my goddamned cone!!
So after my bike ride with my friend, Krazy Kathy, who’s a lunatic, but I love hanging out with her because she says the most inappropriate things about people and it just makes me laugh and laugh…
Anyway, we went to get frozen yogurt only because this place was on our way back, otherwise I would never have known it was there because it’s in an obscure little neighborhood in the Ventura Keys, and when I say “little neighborhood” I don’t mean it’s overrun with midgets, just little in size.
Now, my biggest beef with frozen yogurt places is how they rip you off. C’mon, let’s face it: frozen yogurt is expensive for what it is! It’s yogurt, how much do ya gotta charge for a goddamned cup of the stuff? Apparently, a lot. All the yogurt places charge by the ounce, so they weigh your cup of yogurt, which is ironic since people should weigh themselves after eating the stuff to see how much their little piggy faces were stuffed with the… stuff. And when I say “little piggy” I’m really not meaning little pig, but rather, a big, fat pig… eating frozen yogurt. Can midgets be fat, or are they just short and stumpy, and therefore, perceived to be more fat than they are?
So anyway yeah, we happened along Surf’n Yogurt and not only was it really cheap compared to other frozen yogurt places… and you know who you are, Yozen Frogurt in Westlake Village… and that’s a stupid name too, assholes… this place charged us only six bucks for two, six-ounce cups of frozen yogurt, which is the little size, and when I say “little”, I mean it’s enough for one person. Ya hear me piggies? You don’t need that extra-large cup topped with every goddamned topping from the topping bar, okay? Have some goddamned dignity! Just because you can put anything you want on your goddamned yogurt, doesn’t mean you should… Oinker!
The girls working there were normal-looking too, so that made me feel a lot better, and the yogurt was really, really good. I’m not sure if it’s because it was cheaper than all the other places, so it made it taste better, or if it’s because it actually was just good frozen yogurt. I think it was a little of both, and when I say “little”, I mean: pocket-sized, teensy-weensy, tiny, compact, baby-sized, pee wee, itty-bitty, micro-sized, midget, dwarf. Hey, just so you know, I got these words straight from the Thesaurus, which is supposed to represent all words and not just the politically correct terms, so I think I’m entitled to use whatever I have access to.
Is that so wrong? Only a little…
1038 S Seaward Ave