Dark Is The New Black

Do you ever get really worked up over something and you wanna protest the person or cause that irked you, but you just can’t be bothered because you’ve seen the type of person who is a protes..tar… protes..tor… protester, and they look like complete idiots getting all worked up over something that’ll never change… and you don’t wanna look like them?


Well I wanted to protest against some monosyllabic morons last week that didn’t like what I had to say, but then I remembered that I don’t give a shit because I’m Italian, so I didn’t bother. What does being Italian have to do with it, you ask? Well, everyone knows how rotten their political system is, next to ours…

Are you getting this?

My point being: have you ever seen an uprising in Italy? Ever see them complaining? Ever see mobs of people crammed together fighting over something (besides soccer)? Ever see them walking the streets holding stupid signs on sticks? No! That’s because the Italians are Italian; they’re smart, they don’t get involved. They can’t bother because they’re too busy being Italian: drinking great wine, eating great food and designing great clothes, cars, and motorcycles. Besides, they invented cheating! They know they’ll get their day since they’re the ones who created the system in the first place! 

Now everyone is getting all worked up over this dumbass, Donald Sterling, who I didn’t even know before all this crap came out about him being some sort of racist. I guess he made some stupid remark and now everyone’s in an uproar. Who the hell hasn’t let one slip out before though? If you’ve never, ever uttered a word about… uh… you know, “them” in your life, then stand up, I wanna see who’s bullshitting right now! Everyone has said something derogatory about “those people” at least once in their life, it’s an American pastime; just like apple pie, hot dogs and oral sex!

Don’t get me wrong, he’s definitely a dumbass, along with his wife, who is really a cockblocker if you think about it, but anyway, the two of ‘em together spell: Wgthotisiclap, which at first glance looks like: What is this crap? But it actually stands for: Wouldja get the hell off the internet so I can look at porn?!

I’m sick of it already and frankly, they’re just taking the whole matter a bit too far for one stupid comment. Besides, his girlfriend looks Asian if you ask me, so he should have made a derogatory comment about her eating rice crackers in bed or something…

Me, I have no problem whatsoever with dark things, I like dark things! Well, some of ‘em. Some are a little too ethnic, if you know what I mean, but the ones that aren’t super dark are just fine! 


Naw, it’s not too dark for me!

I’m talking about dark chocolate. I was never a fan of really dark chocolate, preferring something that’s around 50% which, if I’m correct, is referred to as mulatto, but I never liked anything that was 70% until I tried dark chocolate at TIFA Chocolates in Agoura. This place is chocolate heaven, and since the owner knows everything one can know about chocolate, she can help pick the right type for you, so if you’re into a more refined chocolate, you should go dark…

…like our sports players.

I got this compelling Italian dark chocolate bar that’s absolutely delicious! Gosh, I thought I’d never describe dark as delicious before but this one is! It’s got wonderful, fruity overtones with hints of tobacco and toasted nuts, and I let it melt onto my tongue and inhaled deeply to enhance the delicate flavors. That’s the way to eat dark chocolate, which the owner taught me. I used to just shove it in my mouth like milk chocolate but I guess you have to be more delicate with the dark and…

Wait, that explains it, the darks are more delicate, that’s why they’re getting all upset over this stupid comment the Sterling guy made! Now I understand, we have to be more gentle with them, let them know we accept them for who they are, while at the same time, letting them know that they need to pull up their pants a little… and maybe tone down that awful music they listen to… and just shut up and play basketball!


Whizin’s Market Square

28888 Roadside Drive

Agoura Hills, CA 



Categories: Chocolate, Food, Humor, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

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One thought on “Dark Is The New Black

  1. Home Depot Encroaching

    C’mon people! Thoughts? Opinions?

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