Doll Fin Fish

I was reading this article, in between bites of some delicious fish, and couldn’t believe how stupid some people are! That’s just an expression really because I can believe how stupid some people are, but anyway, this article was from a woman who, for her entire life, wanted to swim with dolphins, and finally got the chance, and said it was amazing! Sounds amazing right? I hate that word, by the way… amazing. So overused. You’d think it’d be really amaz astonishing to swim with a big, fat, giant fish with really sharp teeth and a tail that could kill you with one swipe, but… yeah, I think I’ll pass thanks. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love dolphins and what they represent, which is the peaceful beauty of what our oceans have to offer. Plus, we had Flipper on television, who brought the friendliness of the dolphin into our living rooms and made people like the stupid dumbass who wrote the article wanna swim with one… but frankly, I don’t think we should swim with something that resembles dinner.

Did you know that there were an average of three deaths a year involving swimming with dolphins? Or so I read in this other article which I quote here:

“Consider the fact that Sea World, one of the most recognized captive dolphin facilities in the U.S., reported 93 dolphin deaths between 1971 and 2002. That’s an average of three dolphins per year, assuming that all dolphin deaths were accounted for. If these numbers were extrapolated to include the total number of captive dolphin facilities around the world, the number of dolphin deaths as a result of captivity in the last 30 years would be astronomical.”

That’s amazing, especially because they used the word “extrapolated” in a sentence!

The friendly face you see on the big, fat fish you’re about to swim with, can take you down into the depths of the water because they’re either looking at you as a potential mate and trying to hump you, or taking you as competition for a mate, and will kill you! Yeah, doesn’t sound so amazing now, does it?

The last thing I wanna do, besides go without food for extended periods of time, is swim with a goddamned dolphin! But whatever, it takes lots of different dumbasses to make the world go ‘round. I say, let ‘em swim with the fish and let’s see what happens… and bring a picnic lunch to enjoy during the entertainment! Tuna sandwich, maybe? 

mahi mahi

If it’s got a fin, it’s a fish!

I do like eating dolphin though. Now don’t get your panties all in a bunch, I don’t really mean “dolphin”, I mean dolphinfish, if that’s even a word. During the 80s and 90s, there was a huge misconception about this particular fish and whether it was actual dolphin or not, and people were questioning whether they were eating Flipper, our beloved t.v. personality, which would be considered heinous! Sacrilegious, even! I mean, God forbid you eat a fish that looks cute, but by all means, dig into that goddamned cow or pig… you hypocrites! Where was I? Oh yes, so everyone was thinking that they were possibly eating a dolphin, and a delicious one at that, when it finally came to light that the fish they were eating was actually called dolphinfish, which is really the same thing. Well, it’s not really, since a dolphin is a mammal, but let’s say fish for the sake of me making my point… which I’ve completely lost now.

Anyway, since I’m not a fisherman, er, fisherwoman, I can’t get my own from the ocean, so I have to resort to getting it elsewhere, which means the freshness is compromised. But I’ve managed to find my dolphinfish at certain places where it’s acceptable. One of them being Trader Joe’s, where it’s frozen, but that’s the second-best way to get it, the first being, well, freshly caught from the warm, tropical waters of the Pacific.

I like my Mahi-Mahi… dolphinfish is referred to as Mahi-Mahi, in case you didn’t already know, which in Hawaiian means: this-is-not-goddamned-dolphin, and… you know, Hawaiian is so friggin’ weird because they only use, like, 12 or so letters from the alphabet to make up their entire language, and they’ll use the same word twice to describe a goddamned fish when just one “Mahi” would do! But they happen to reside in an extraordinarily beautiful place that we can visit anytime we want, so we forgive them their stupidity.

I’ve been going to TJs to get my Mahi fix and it’s really quite delicious! It’s not like being in Hawaii and eating it just hours after it was caught, but hey, it’s not bad either. I like to get a jar of their pineapple salsa to eat along with it, and it’s delicious!

So the moral of the story is: don’t confuse dolphin with dolphinfish because it’s not the same, just call it Mahi… and don’t expect Hawaiians to be very smart… and don’t swim with your food.

Trader Joe’s

Various Locations


Categories: Food, Humor, Satire, Seafood | Tags: , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

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5 thoughts on “Doll Fin Fish

  1. Amazing post. I think you riding with the dolphins while eating some tuna would be an amazing experience.

  2. Dear Clever Girl, you wayward lass. It was blessed that you reviewed a frozen fish during our Lenten season. But what is next, my little cherub? Reviews of bagged ice? Mac and cheese? Navel oranges? Navel lint? Well, at least the cursing was minimal and you didn’t write about condom size. Or albinos. If you are running out of food ideas, perhaps you can work some scripture into your fine blog. Perhaps we can talk about it after mass on Sunday, although we haven’t seen you in awhile.

    • Oh sure, the ol’ “Let’s talk about it after mass on Sunday” routine. I already fell for that line from an albino priest once mister, and I’m not gonna fall for it again!

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