There are no Persians in Thousand Oaks and I know this because every morning when I open my eyes, I take solace in the fact that I reside in a town that’s mostly white people. Not that I have anything against Persians. As long as I never work for one, do business with one, socialize with one, live near one, or marry one, we’re good. Other than that, they’re not that annoying. Okay, that’s not true, they’re annoying as hell… although the ones on Shahs Of Sunset seem pretty normal.
Well last weekend there was all this noise coming from a nearby park, and I ended up going to there to see what all the fuss was about, because it was really friggin’ noisy and there was all this traffic, so when I passed a cop doing his civic duty I asked him what the deal was. He told me that there was a Persian Festival going on for Persian New Year. Then he asked if I was Persian and I said “Today I am. Are you?” and clearly he wasn’t because he was Asian. So I asked him exactly where this was taking place and he said something like “They’re all over the goddamn place, but at least they have lots of food.” and I thought: God, what a racist! I mean, he’s Asian and he’s making fun of Persians?
So I entered the park and there were hundreds of them! I’ve never seen so much… so much… uh, how do I put this? There was a lot of friggin’ dark hair! I never understood why people from the desert have so much goddamned hair. Wouldn’t it be better if you were smooth as a baby’s ass if you live in the desert? Doesn’t having all that hair all over you make you hotter?
As I was walking around, I noticed I was being stared at like I was an alien or something, especially by those Persian bitches, who were giving me the evil eye! Persian women never liked me, which is fine, I get it. I happen to be blonde and hairless (almost), where as they are the total opposite. The men on the other hand were looking at me like I was the hottest sheep in the herd!
You know how Persian men are with American women, right? They want to collect you like you’re a specimen of fine gold. It’s like a status thing, having a blonde, American girlfriend. I know some of you happen to think Persian men are sexy and I guess some of ‘em can be good-looking, I just like my men to be a little more evolved from our ancestors, if you know what I mean…
I made my way over to this large crowd who were gathered around this group of people dancing, and for a moment, I thought I would join them because it looked like fun, but then thought the better of it because a couple of Persian women were glaring at me through their Gucci sunglasses like they wanted to stab me with a Persian sword! Then I caught the whiff of pure Persian heaven… and it wasn’t the hairy guy wearing too much cologne standing next to me either. It was kebab!
Persians make excellent kebab so I guess there is something I like about them after all. So I headed over to the tent and…
Wait, just take that in for a moment… a tent… at a Persian festival.
Okay anyway, I got there and the line for the kebab was around the… tent! There were all these Persians standing in line waiting and I thought there’s no way I was going to wait 40 minutes for a kebab with all these Persian bitches wanting to kill me and the men wanting me to dress like a sheep, I don’t care how good it is! Luckily, I know of a Persian restaurant in town called Darband where I can get a kebab. The only problem is that the food isn’t that great. I mean, it’s okay, but just not really good. They also have a location in the Valley where the food’s much better so I could always go there… but that would entail me going to the Valley where all the Persians live!
They have several different choices of kebab at Darband. I got their lamb kebab once a long time ago and remembered that it wasn’t good at all. It was tough and gamey tasting. It had probably fallen prey to a Persian guy, so it lost all its tenderness. But the chicken kebab is pretty good. So for pure convenience and being able to avoid a large tribe of Persians at a festival, I would go there to get my kebab fix, even though the one in the tent was probably way better. Oh well, maybe next year I’ll go back to the festival to try again, only I’ll be wearing a black wig and Gucci sunglasses so I won’t have to worry about being skewered!
868 E. Thousand Oaks Blvd
Thousand Oaks, CA