Fifty Shades of… Goddamn That’s Huge!

Okay, forget that last post! You know, the one about me not getting any sex because I should have never jumped the gun… what I mean to say is that I should have never shared that personal information in the first place! Hey, things change all the time and once you put something in writing, it’s there in perpetuity for all to see! Maybe sometimes it’s better to keep my mouth shut…

*snort* yeah right.

So I’ve been online searching for the largest sized condoms they make… for, you know, research purposes… and it seems that in the good ‘ol US of A, there’s only one commercial brand that makes a large size: Trojan. Yeah, they’re called Magnum (and if that doesn’t make a girl wanna go out and try to find her Prince Charming, I don’t know what does!) But this condom doesn’t necessarily mean that it covers… everything. How do us girls know it’s gonna be big enough? Of course, one can only hope… 

I found some other manufacturers that make custom sizes, but they don’t do business here in America, only overseas. I guess they think the American male doesn’t carry a loaded weapon like they do in other countries… which I think is bullshit, it’s wrong! At least, I’m hoping it’s wrong… Jeez, it’d better be wrong! I don’t wanna have to travel across the globe to another country to meet my Special Agent, I wanna meet someone here where it’s convenient. Can you imagine the cost of flying to and fro, just to get some 007? I don’t really mind flying though… in fact, I love flying, it’s sexy and exciting! Plus, I heard that pilots can pack some serious pistol too! Now if I could only get inside the cockpit…

Anyway, I’m on this particular site that makes extra-large condoms, but like I said, they don’t sell them here in America, only in these countries:

Spain (Chorizo)

France (Really? Naw, that’s gotta be a joke…)

Germany (Bratwurst)

UK (Bangers)

Slovakia (Where the hell is that?!)

Sweden (Unlikely)

Denmark (Uh, very unlikely)

Italy (Duh)

Hungary (Don’t go there)

Poland  (Pole land? Hmm, makes sense)

So this website, where they sell these enormous condoms, even gives a man a way to measure his, uh… “success” before purchase, which is very smart since they’d wanna get the right size and everything. But I’m frustrated because why don’t they sell them here, goddamnit? A girl needs it! I mean, Clever Girl always wants protect herself in the… the… biggest and best way possible! 

Naturally I got really hungry after doing all that research, if you can imagine, and I remembered my mother once telling me that I should never make a huge decision on an empty stomach, so I decided to get something to eat. You’d think I’d immediately wanna go for a hot dog or sausage or something, but I don’t eat those, which I know makes me sound like a hypocrite, but they’re just not my thing. Is that wrong? Maybe eating hot dogs is strictly an American pastime and not something practiced in other countries. Maybe the men in those other countries wouldn’t care whether I ate hot dogs or not. Well if so, sign me up! No, I decided to get scallops and ahi tuna instead (gosh, that almost makes me sound like a lesbian).

Where's the beef?

I’ll take a hot dog please.

Anyway, I almost never go to this place since it’s really never been my favorite. I can’t put my finger on why though… maybe the atmosphere? No… maybe the food? No… the food’s not bad… hmm, I just can’t figure it out. Huh, it doesn’t matter, I’m certain it’s not anything huge.

So I went back for some of their food after a long absence, and you know what? I’m glad I did! I had forgotten that they make an excellent ahi tuna appetizer and it’s a great deal at happy hour, which is my favorite hour of the day… after cocktail hour. I ordered that along with their bacon-wrapped scallop appetizer, minus the bacon since the only pork I would eat is Oscar Meyer, even though I’m not really into Jews.

The scallop was tender, sweet and cooked perfectly, with a nice crust on the outside, and soft on the inside. It came on a bed of spinach with a creamy beurre blanc and was perfect in it’s simplicity. The ahi tuna was excellent, really fresh, and it wasn’t the neon pink kind of ahi tuna either; this was pure sushi grade ahi, coated with black and white sesame seeds and served with hot wasabi on the side. Perfect! 

You know, I just realized something: maybe I should re-think the whole not eating hot dogs thing, I could be missing out on something…

…naw, I’ll just keep my mouth shut.

The Grill On The Alley

120 E. Promenade Way

Westlake Village, CA



Categories: Food, Happy Hour, Humor, Satire, Seafood | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Post navigation

6 thoughts on “Fifty Shades of… Goddamn That’s Huge!

  1. No eating hot dogs for you.

Have you digested this?

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

Blog at

%d bloggers like this: