It Takes A Licking…

I burned my tongue tasting hot food!

I hate it when I burn my goddamned tongue! I know I’m back on the subject of my tongue again, but it’s such a huge part of my life, how can I not be back on the subject? My tongue is so huge, if I were a guy, it would have gotten me voted “Most Popular” in high school, but since I’m not, it didn’t get me voted for that… or anything for that matter. I should have at least been voted “Hot Stuff” but my school didn’t have that category. Anyway I didn’t care, I hated school since it’s a complete waste of time. I mean, who needs to learn stuff like math and speling spelling when you have subjects like food and sex to learn about? Now those are useful subjects for people with huge tongues!

There’s nothing worse than burning your tongue. Well, that’s not really true is it? There’s a whole hell of a lot that’s worse; there’s disease, war and having our potential first woman president dress like a goddamned man… but in pastels!


Why do we women do that to ourselves? You know, act and dress like a man to make it in a man’s world? Why can’t we do it the old-fashioned way and just use sex to get what we want, forget trying to compete in the workplace? I know my huge tongue is going to get me into trouble with all those lesbians and women’s rights people for speaking my mind (okay, maybe not the lesbians) but that’s how I feel. We should stay at home and let the men be men and let them go out and work, and we stay home and do our nails, then when they get home, we put our tongues to good use… and not by talking their goddamned ear off either!


So I burned my money-maker and now food doesn’t taste good and I have to wait a day or two before it gets better, which means I don’t have any food to talk about. So what do you do as a food writer who has a burned tongue and can’t talk about food? Talk about sex! Okay, not a good idea, especially when you aren’t getting any (did I just say that?) 

banana cream pie

Sex, only better!

Well, it’s true okay? I’m not. And I’m not happy about it either. I mean, there’s only so much chocolate a girl can eat! I know what you’re thinking: “How could a great catch such as yourself be single, especially with that huge tongue of yours?” and I ask myself the same thing.

My credit card company therapist told me it’s because I call a new man too many times a day to see how he’s feeling, but I think they like that kind of thing. You know, it lets them know you’re thinking about ‘em (plus all the emails and texts too…) She said it wasn’t a good idea though and that I should be doing more important things with my time, like go shopping with my credit card because right now they have a really good interest rate. 

Maybe sex is overrated anyway although I can’t confirm that since it’s been a while and I have nothing to go on. I’m not the expert on sex anyway, only on food, even though they’re almost interchangeable. If you don’t get sex, you just go out and get food, and if you don’t get food, you just go out and get sex, it’s the same thing. For instance, when you’ve been without sex for a while, you can go get yourself a big, fat piece of banana cream pie from a place like The Apple Pan, and it’s the same as having a thorough romp in the sack… only it’s not as messy and it tastes a lot better! When you’ve had a particularly long dry spell, you can make yourself an entire feast of delicious food and practically not miss a thing! I mean, when you can have a whole roast chicken, roasted potatoes, salad, bread and wine, why would you even think about sex? Or, a nice, big piece of homemade lasagna with gooey cheese! Oh, or how about some really excellent sushi? Mmmm….

Oh shit, all this talk about sex is making me really hungry and I can’t eat anything because of my goddamned burned tongue! 

The Apple Pan

10801 W. Pico Blvd.

Los Angeles, CA


Categories: Desserts, Food, Humor, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

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11 thoughts on “It Takes A Licking…

  1. You burned your money maker. Oh, your tongue. Never mind.

  2. Dear Clever Girl – The reason you’re not getting any is the fact that in the last two weeks alone you have insulted Mexicans, Asians, Albinos, Frenchmen and Lesbians. It’s a numbers game, and you have wiped out whole categories of potentials.

    Now you know. Hey, here’s an idea. If you switch the blog from food to sex, you will be many times more popular. Probably nationally syndicated, Drudge, Politico, Huffpost, reality show, HBO specials. Maybe a rock band (Gene Simmons, Mick Jagger) if your tongue is really a monster. You need barely change the name of your blog. (Use your imagination.)

    If you like this idea, cut me in on the profits. Other than that, I’m heading over to the strip club. God, I hope this is anonymous, just in case I (me) wants to run for political office. Or work at the post office. Or get a corporate job.

    • > Dear Clever Girl – The reason you’re not getting any is the fact that in the last two weeks alone you have insulted Mexicans, Asians, Albinos, Frenchmen and Lesbians. It’s a numbers game, and you have wiped out whole categories of potentials. >

      No shit, really? Gosh, you catch on quick, huh?

      You forgot to mention the category “creepy, anonymous comment-makers” with whom I have no interest in getting it on with either, even though the feeling apparently isn’t mutual.

      I wouldn’t want to have sex with any of those people, which should be apparent to those with a brain… in their head and not elsewhere. But hey, never overestimate some of your commentators.

      As far as taking your suggestion about changing the name of my blog, and “using my imagination”, it certainly isn’t original in any way, which isn’t surprising considering where the comment originated.

      The “C” in your last name doesn’t happen to stand for Clinton, does it?

  3. It does. You can call me “Bubba.”

    I always say, “If the blue dress doesn’t fit, you must acquit.” (I think that’s right.)

    Hey, in other news, be kind. I’m a big fan. I want you to be hugely successful.

  4. Most Clever

    I don’t know about the tongue, but you’ve certainly got a round face and fat cheeks. They’re cute fat cheeks though!

    • Slow down Romeo… fat cheeks? Cute, fat cheeks? Wow, you’re some kinda charmer, how do the girls ever stay away?

  5. Most Clever

    They just look round and cute! When you wear hoop earrings like you do in the Chicken Ex-Husband video, it just enhances them!

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