White, Not Wheat

When is it okay to be glad that you’re a white person living the high life in the suburbs and not be labeled a racist? Why can’t we stop feeling so guilt-ridden and goddamned politically correct about it? Do we have to continually be sorry for stuff we didn’t do against minorities?! Haven’t we paid them back tens times over with the creation of Wal-Mart and NAFTA anyway? I mean, shouldn’t that be enough?!

I’ve already eaten my fair share of ethnic foods like Mexican and Asian, so I think I’ve done my part in the equality movement… whatever that is! I’ve even purchased shitty furniture from those kooky Swedish idiots at Ikea, and if that doesn’t prove I’m not racist, I don’t know what will!

Okay, to prove it I took a trip to Malibu where there are more white people crammed into one small area than at an Abercrombie & Fitch sale! Or a Starbucks maybe… or a Crate & Barrel… anyway, those people are racist, not me. They built Malibu by the beach because they knew Mexicans and Asians could never make that long swim!

For a town filled with wealthy white people, there isn’t a whole lot to it by the way; there are only two shopping centers filled with snotty boutiques carrying ugly clothes that fit only actresses and skinny bitches, and only one movie theater, which means that even the actresses get tired of looking at themselves. There are hardly any good restaurants either, which I guess makes sense since actresses and skinny bitches only eat toilet paper and wash it down with coconut water or a non-fat latte, easy foam.

Walking around, staring at all that wealth and harboring resentment against skinny bitches was making me really hungry, so I decided to head over to the Malibu Kitchen and Gourmet Country Market, located at The Malibu Country Mart, and it’s possibly the whitest deli you’ll ever find. Hey, sometimes chopped liver, matzo ball soup, and rye bread is just a bit too ethnic-sounding for me, okay?

This place is chock-a-block with gourmet deli items, baked goods, and imported meats and cheeses. It’s a great place to stop when you want to spend tons of money on food before heading down to the beach and getting sand in your sandwich, which is where the name originated.

No, not really.

I’ve been here before, lured by the sight of their giant cupcakes, but this time I was going to get something savory from their deli case, and staring out at me was the curry chicken salad. Now there’s nothing that says “white” more than chicken salad, am I right? I happen to make the best curry chicken salad… ever, so this was going to be interesting since no one else’s can compare, but it looked pretty good so I decided to give it a shot. Well, just like I suspected, it was nothing special. It had big chunks of white meat chicken, red grapes, and a curry mayo dressing. There may have been onions and celery too but I can’t remember. It was kinda one-note. Luckily I can still claim to making the best.

The white stuff!

The white stuff!

I quickly moved on to the baked goods because I knew that’s where the really good stuff was! After staring at each and every item and annoying the skinny bitch behind the counter by asking if each and every item was good, I decided to get the apple crumb cake, and it was the right choice! The apples were sweet, tender and bursting with apple-goodness, there was just the right amount of brown sugar and butter in the crust, which was crumbly and delicious, and it was finished with a drizzle of creamy caramel sauce! I respect anyone who can make a superior apple dessert since, to me, an apple dessert is such a perfect thing to eat!

On their Facebook page it says that they also make this sandwich called the Heat Seeker, which could have a lot of meanings if you think about it, but anyway, I think theirs was referring to the sun making a rare appearance. The sandwich has turkey jerky (only in Malibu would you get turkey jerky), chipotle, gouda, pesto-pepperoncini, cole slaw and mayo on a thick, crunchy roll, and it’s obvious that only someone who smoked a big, fat joint could come up with such a combination, not that I would know… I’ll bet it was some surfer fresh off the one-foot waves by the pier!

As I sat at one of their outside tables eating my food, taking in the fresh ocean air, and watching my kind of people walking around, I felt all that guilt just wash away with the tides, and I knew it was my kind of place. Now if they would only get a Target…

Malibu Kitchen and Gourmet Country Market

3900 Cross Creek Road, #3

Malibu, CA


Categories: Chicken, Desserts, Food, Humor, Salads, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , | 14 Comments

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14 thoughts on “White, Not Wheat

  1. You are funny! Enjoyed reading this!

  2. Haha! Great post! Haven’t been to the Malibu Country Mart in a long while. Will need to head over there to check out their baked goods soon.

  3. Soooo yummy!

  4. Don’t piss off the Sandwich Nazi!

  5. I’m so sorry that you bought something from Freakin Ikea. Hopefully you had some meatballs in order to wash the nasty taste of that place out of your mouth.

  6. Dear Clever Girl …. I read a couple of your blogs. You will never be able to run for political office. Or work at the post office. Or DMV. Ever.

    But …. you are pretty funny. In a snarky way. Speaking of snark:


    Maybe you will get a TV show. Kind of like Sex in the City. I hope so. JC

    • Dear Jon (oh dear, I hope that doesn’t remind you of a “dear jon” letter…) anyway, I just left political office and I used to work at the DMV years ago, when it was cool. The post office wouldn’t have me though, can you imagine?! Do you think perhaps I could get a job at a restaurant?

      As far as the link you sent, I found it quite entertaining!

      Unlike a “Dear Jon” letter, I do hope you’ll come back and visit again!

  7. No Joe

    Entertaining story…. but it’s all fiction! “OMG! Guy Fieri is hitting on me!” Lol!

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