Donuts Are Really Tasty

I’ve been on a quest to give back to my community through a volunteer program, and as I mentioned before, I had entertained the possibility of volunteering for the elderly at the Senior Center, but for one reason or another, that didn’t (bed) pan out, so then I checked into this other, cool-sounding volunteer opportunity through the city called: D.A.R.T., which stands for:

Disaster Assistance Response Team.

Sounds sexy, right?!

It’s a volunteer training program funded by the city to assist the police and fire departments in time of need, and you get to do all kinds of cool things, like direct traffic during city sponsored events, car accidents, and other um… disasters.

It’d be waaaay better than playing with old people! I could picture myself as a civic officer, uniform emblazoned with badges, flashlight at my hip, ready for action with all those hot cops and firefighters I was assisting! So I signed up and went to my first class, notebook in hand, eager to meet some of our men on duty! The teacher, who not a hot cop by the way, but rather, a frumpy old guy, was showing us how to place those orange cones in between lanes to re-direct traffic when there are one of those um… disasters.

Does that really qualify as disaster assistance, directing traffic? I mean, how often does disaster really strike here in the Connayo anyway? Year after year we’re voted as one of the “Safest Places to Live” in the entire Nation, so what type of disaster are we talking about exactly? Fire maybe? Okay, so let’s say fire, let’s say Westlake Village catches on fire… who gives a shit, it should! And when was the last time we had an earthquake and needed to evacuate our citizens? Never!

This wasn’t looking so exciting after all. My teacher was a frump, there weren’t any hot cops or firefighters in the class, and my dreams of being a heroine started to lose its luster with each placement of an orange cone, and then I realized that D.A.R.T really stood for:

Dumb Ass Re-directing Traffic

Screw that, who wants to be a traffic cop?! They’re the lowest of the low! I needed to get myself a donut after that ordeal, and I happened to be right by a donut shop too, which is strange, since there’s such a lack of donut shops here in the Connayo, where we have one of the largest populations of cops per capita in the Nation, but yeah, there it was; a donut shop. 

Orange cone!

Orange cone!

And they were advertising Cronuts! You know, that new trend of mixing a donut and a croissant? Well, they can’t call it that since the donut shop in New York where the Cronut was created, trademarked the name. Stupid, really because no one’s going to be eating them in three years. No, Spudnuts calls them Doughssants. Get it? Not nearly as clever as Cronut.

Well, I have to say, it was one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever eaten. It wasn’t horrible, just disgusting in a messy, overly doughy, wet, creamy sorta way. As I suspected it would be, the center was undercooked, which makes sense since croissants have tons of butter in them which make up layers of dough, so if you fry them, the inner layers aren’t going to cook before the outer ones get burned. So I ate the outer layers as best I could and scooped out the fake cream with my fingers, and it was a messy undertaking I didn’t really enjoy. They tried their best though; they drizzled hazelnut chocolate on top, added fresh strawberries, and sprinkled it with powdered sugar, so they’re on the right track. I think they should skip the Doughssant business and just do that with a regular donut. But hey, who am I to argue with these stupid trends?

Spudnuts’ claim to fame is that they use potato flour for their donuts, which is how they got their name; spuds and donuts. See the trend here, mixing two names of food together to come up with another name? Anyway, it sounds fantastic since I love potatoes, and crossing them with a donut and then frying them, would be spectacular! Hey, maybe they should come up with a savory version, like add chicken to the potato flour, then fry it and call it a docluck, or a chicknut! Laugh all you want, but now that I said it, everyone’s gonna start doing it, you’ll see! Just remember, Clever Girl came up with it first!

In the mean time, I think I have to give up on the whole volunteering thing, because I just can’t seem to find something that would benefit me, which is what it’s really all about, right?!


3303 W. Kimber Dr.

Newbury Park, CA


Categories: Food, Humor, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

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5 thoughts on “Donuts Are Really Tasty

  1. I would be a D.A.R.T. if it meant I got to pig out on doughnuts.

  2. thanks for the info! I didn’t know there was a Spudnuts in Newbury Park! (I don’t often get out to that end of the Conejo Valley) I remember when there was a Spudnuts donuts shop in Westlake Village across from Gelsons (it was near the Baskin Robbins… in the same shopping center where the Bauducco’s Italian Deli used to be… gods, I’m so OLD I remember all these places that don’t exist there anymore)

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