Hot ‘n Sour My Puss!

What is it with this stupid trend of everybody sticking out their tongues all of a sudden? All these people are sticking out their wet, pointy mutations whenever the urge hits and they look like idiots if you ask me! I’m the original tongue sticker-outer anyway, the one who did it first! I can’t help it if I create trends. I was the first one who came up with the idea of doing a food blog that isn’t really about food, which is pretty damn original if you think about it!

I only stick out my tongue when I’m about to taste something delicious… or at morons. Oh, and I also do it to foreigners who haven’t fully grasped the English language, and then I explain to them that it’s a traditional American greeting, and to do it to every person they meet!

Sticking out your tongue is just not attractive. C’mon, you don’t want to look like a sourpuss, do you? ‘Cause that’s what you look like when you do it. It’s not sexy, believe me. Okay, I know I look sexy when I do it, but you don’t. So to everybody who’s doing it: stop it, you look like an asshole. And trust me, I know assholes since I’m an expert! And anyway, assholes and tongues do not belong together, contrary to that video I saw the other day where…

…never mind.

So this whole sticking-out-your-tongue, sourpuss thing had gotten me thinking about other sour things, not just pusses (close, I know) I’m talking about sour things that I happen to like, like sour candy, or sour lemons, or sweet ‘n sour, or hot ‘n sour, as in Chinese Hot ‘n Sour soup, which is one of my favorite dishes made from foreigners of the Asian persuasion!

Sour my puss!

Pucker my sourpuss!

But it gives me a sourpuss thinking about the fact that it’s impossible to get excellent Chinese food out here in the Connayo, or anywhere else within a 30 mile radius for that matter. Maybe even a 330 mile radius, which is the approximate distance from here to San Francisco, where you can get excellent Chinese food! I used to live there, so I should know. San Francisco contains the largest Asian population living outside of Asia, so of course they have the best Asian food on the West coast, and the best public transportation, thank God! Can you imagine all those Asians driving, for crying out loud?! 

I generally test how good a Chinese restaurant is by how good their Hot ‘n Sour soup is, and that’s exactly what I was trying to explain to the Chinese waiter I had the other day at Sesame Inn where I went for lunch. He didn’t look like he was grasping what I was saying though, because after I finished telling him that information, he just nodded and walked away from the table. But my question is not whether he understood the implication of what I was saying, but rather, when would be the most opportune time to teach him that whole stick-out-your-tongue-when-you-first-meet-someone trick!

But I’ll get to that later. I went to this place on the strong recommendation of my stomach, which got an overwhelming craving for Hot ‘n Sour soup, and from this nice Chinese lady to whom I was complaining about being unable to find excellent Chinese food. Unlike my waiter, she spoke perfect English though, so I didn’t have to resort to teaching her that trick, which I had mixed feelings about honestly.

Anyway you can’t just get a cup of Hot ‘n Sour soup at Sesame Inn, you have to get the Soup for Two, which is really goddamned soup for five, since it comes in a big-ass tureen! Not that I’m complaining. But I really just wanted to try it first to see if it would live up to my expectations, which is stupid, because it never does! So I got the gigantic tureen of Hot ‘n Sour soup and it was…

…pretty good.

*Sigh* I don’t know if they’re trying to appeal to the American tongue or not but it just wasn’t quite right. I mean, it had all the right ingredients, like tender lily buds and bamboo shoots, silky tofu, and chewy woodear mushrooms, but it didn’t have enough sour for the sour part, or hot for the hot part. Hot ‘n Sour soup has plenty of white pepper in it to give it that special kind of heat that dances on the tip of your gigantic, obnoxious tongue, with the sour part rounding out the heat and the rest of the flavors. This one just needed more heat and more sour and then it would be spot on.

So when my foreign waiter who couldn’t speak English came back out to my table, I was going to make these suggestions to him, so they could get the soup just right, and I’d be back anytime the cravings struck! But instead, I just stuck my tongue out at him, and explained (slowly) that whole, you know… thing, and I was hoping that another customer would come in at that moment so I could witness him getting punched in the sourpuss for sticking his tongue out at someone! But no one else came in.

Then he taught me how to properly bow to greet someone in Chinese, so we had a moment of sharing cultural practices, which was really nice and gave me a warm, fuzzy feeling and I wondered: “Why can’t we all just get along?”

Sesame Inn

3327 E. Kimber Dr.

Newbury Park, CA


Categories: Asian, Food, Humor, Satire, Soup | Tags: , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

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3 thoughts on “Hot ‘n Sour My Puss!

  1. Doesn’t Miley Virus know that you are the original and she should stick her tongue in her freakin mouth?

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