Something Smells Fishy…

Ever feel used?

And I’m not talking about the good used, where you feel dirty and sexy at the same time (and if the guy with the piercing blue eyes, dark hair and tight leather pants is reading this, I didn’t even get your name, PLEASE CALL ME!!)


No, I’m talking about the kind where you’re-pissed-off-you-got-used, used. You didn’t see it coming because the person doing it is really subtle since they don’t want to get called out on being an asshole, so you only realize it after the fact, and you feel like a total shmuck! Yeah, that kind. It always comes from these selfish, self-absorbed, judgemental types who have their own agenda too, and for some reason, they’re always drawn to me!

For instance, this person wanted to hang out with me under the pretense that they’re my friend, when all they really wanted is a ride somewhere to meet another “friend”, and I ended up being the goddamned taxi and didn’t realize I got suckered until after I dropped them off! And the whole time we were together, she kept blabbering about boring, ideological stuff like being a true person with values, blah, blah, blah, and at first I thought “You’re such a hypocrite”, and then I thought “Shut your clam already!”

Then that made me think about clams, which sounded waaay better than thinking about being used… even the dirty, slutty kind! There’s nothing like a good clam to make you feel better, so I figured I would go get some clams to take my mind off of everything and I could deal with being used later, so I drove up to Ventura pier.

Clam Chowder

I could use one of these!

I don’t know why in the world I decided to go to a pier, because piers are notoriously dirty and attract all kinds of riffraff. There’s the obligatory creepy guy, usually of Middle Eastern descent, supposedly fishing, with a beer stained t-shirt stretched over a protruding belly, cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth, ogling all the girls. Eww. Then there are the badly dressed tourists oohing and ahhing, like they’ve never seen a goddamned ocean before (you know those idiots get suckered all the time!) There are stoned skaters, body builder types, and a smattering of homeless people; not exactly my kind of quality, if you know what I mean!

The thought of actually eating on a pier was even less appealing since historically, the restaurant choices were often questionable and always smelled like old frying oil and fish guts. But I took the dive *snicker* and went to Eric Ericsson’s and I was pleasantly surprised, it was actually a very nice place. And they had clams!

Now, I’m a huge fan of clams; I like ‘em raw, steamed, Casino-style, and especially in chowder (but the Boston style, not the Manhattan style), and I always used to get my clam chowder fix down at Neptune’s Net at County Line where all the hot surfers are, since they have the best clam chowder, and a great view.

But Eric Ericsson’s clam chowder is really delicious too. Their chowder is thick, with big chunks of potato and celery, pieces of sweet, tender clams and fresh herbs like thyme and marjoram. Plus, like traditional clam chowder, it was spiked with a little sweet sherry! Neptune’s chowder has smaller pieces of potato and clam, with a thinner consistency so you can slurp it down! They both use a bucket of cream, which doesn’t hurt either. Well, maybe my thighs, but I don’t think about that when I’m in the throes of butter ‘n cream passion! So now whenever I get the urge, I’ll have two places to choose from to get my chowder fix and I’ll only have to decide which type of people I wanna hang out with: scuzzy pier dwellers, or hot surfers!

Eric Ericsson’s

668 E. Harbor Blvd.

Ventura, CA


Neptune’s Net

42505 Pacific Coast Hwy

Malibu, CA


Categories: Food, Humor, Satire, Seafood, Soup | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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