They Pop In Your Mouth!

This year, I’ve decided to be more generous and give back by being of service to my fellow man, even though I didn’t win any goddamned money. And for all you single men out there, let me know if I can be of service to you, if you know what I mean! You have to be really good-looking though, I don’t want any uglies.

So yeah, I’m going to take a more altruistic approach to life and become a volunteer at the local Senior Center. I chose seniors, mainly because you can tell an old person anything you want since a few minutes later they forget what you said, and they usually fall asleep in the middle of crafting class, so it’ll be fun and super easy!

Well the coordinator told me that before I could start, I had to get a TB test from the doctor, which I thought was weird, because you could just tell by looking a me whether I did or not, but maybe she didn’t want to insult me. So when I got to the doctor’s office, I was ready for them to measure my waist, so they could do the, you know, Tummy Bubble test.

Turns out, that’s not what a TB test is at all, it’s to check for Tuberculosis, sheesh! Here I was, thinking “Well, why the hell do they have to test me, can’t they just look at me and see that I clearly have a Tummy Bubble?” I mean, I’m a foodie, for crying out loud! Plus, these are old people, they don’t give a shit whether I have a Tummy Bubble or not! To them, I look like a goddamned bikini model! And anyway, why even check for Tuberculosis since these people are pretty close to dy…


Never mind.

So the nurse stuck a needle into my arm to create a hole, and then we had to wait 48 hours to see if a bubble came out of the hole! Another goddamned bubble, what the hell kinda test is this?! I mean, Jesus, am I gonna suddenly start bubbling up while I’m servicing some hot, young guy? How embarrassing, imagine what I’d have to say about it:

“Oh that? Oh, it’s nothing to worry about, I’m sure it’ll pop right as we’re finishing!”

Pop 'em into your piehole!

Pop ’em into your piehole!

Luckily, no bubble popped out on my body, but after that ordeal, I needed to get some food into my tummy bubble, quick! Who knew being so kind and giving with my time would be so dramatic? I’m just hoping it’s not going to be like this all the time or else they’re gonna have to find someone else to do playtime with the old folks!

I needed to go to happy hour fast, and I knew just the place, so I went to Farfalla in Westlake because they have this fantastic shrimp cocktail! Now for some stupid reason, shrimp cocktail has gotten really expensive. It used to be that you got six shrimp in a cocktail. Well nowadays, you only get three… maybe four, depending on where you go, and these restaurants try to make up for being chintzy by giving you “jumbo shrimp”. I hate jumbo shrimp! Not only is it an oxymoron, they’re completely tasteless. Bigger isn’t always better anyway, just ask my ex!

So far, Farfalla *snicker* has the best shrimp cocktail I’ve found in the area because they use really good, regular sized shrimp which are sweet and full of flavor. And the cocktail sauce is simple, no fancy “chipotle” or “sriracha” cocktail sauce here; just ketchup, some diced shallots, a squeeze of lemon, and that’s it. Oh, and they add some pieces of creamy avocado too, which is fantastic because avocado with seafood is a match made in heaven! The best part is it’s only 7 bucks at happy hour, 7 bucks! Other places charge a tail and a head!

I love their shrimp cocktail so much, I ate two of ‘em in the past week, plus I ate a few other items on the HH menu, plus the bread basket and… oh shit, I gotta go, think I just heard something pop.


160 Promenade Way

Westlake Village, CA


Categories: Happy Hour, Humor, Satire, Seafood | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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2 thoughts on “They Pop In Your Mouth!

  1. So your ex was like most happy hour seafood? A tasteless shrimp?

Have you digested this?

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