I Can’t Get No Satisfaction!

During this time of year, being single has its drawbacks; everywhere you look, everyone seems to be a couple! Ads on t.v. show beautiful people kissing, people are walking hand in hand at the Mall, everyone seems to be with someone else, and it’s being thrown in your face that you’re single and alone! And there are certain, um… frustrations that go along with being single… so um, sometimes us single people have to take matters into our own….   hands.

For me, that meant doing some personal Christmas present shopping online, where I could get whatever I wanted and no one else could see, so I ordered myself a special present to um… release some of this frustration!

Yeah, I did, so what?! What’s the big, friggin’ deal, anyway?! Everybody I know is getting some this time of year; haven’t you noticed the big, fat, dopey grins on everyone’s big, fat faces, so why can’t I?!

Well, to add to my frustration, was the fact that my little package was somehow being delayed by the goddamned morons at the post office! I tracked the goddamned thing and it stated that it had already been delivered, and believe me, it hadn’t! So then I had to call the post office, which is an exercise in a whole different kind of frustration!

I was prepared to get into a screaming match with any idiot that tried to tell me my package was already delivered by blurting out “Trust me asshole, it has not been delivered!”, but I didn’t, I kept it inside, which built up even more frustration! I really needed that package for some goddamned release, let me tell you!

Turns out, my package made a little trip across the entire Southern portion of California, first going down to Orange County, which is a horrible, horrible place that breeds the equivalent of a Beverly Hills housewife, then back up to The Valley, another horrible place that breeds only Mexicans! And if someone else got their greasy digits on my package, I’d really be screwed!

Finally, after a week’s delay, and with great anticipation (as you can imagine), I received my special little package and I wasted no time opening it up, and I felt an immediate tingling sensation wash over me as I put the contents inside of my… 

What took you so long?

What took you so long?   


Mmmmm, chocolate!

All that pent-up frustration slipped away as I ate several pieces of decadent, Belgian Neuhaus chocolate! This chocolate is for very special occasions only, and I say that because it costs a goddamned arm and a leg! But it’s soo worth it. It’s one of the finest Belgian chocolates you can get, and I know the Belgians are only good at giving birth to ugly people and inventing the french fry… and they have monks that make some goddamned delicious beer too (can you imagine their frustration?!), but they sure know how to master the chocolate, and if you want to master anything, then chocolate is certainly a good one!

I immediately went for a dark, and as you know, I never go for dark because that’s just not my taste, but in this case, it was the right choice! I gently placed it on my tongue and let it melt there, and I felt the smooth, creamy sensation fill my mouth and deliver the ultimate satisfaction! Oh. My. God. Who knew dark was this good!

Well then I found out that you can actually get this chocolate out here, in our little town of unsophisticated donkey riders! Yeah, I actually found it at the local Marshall’s store, and I got frustrated all over again because I could have avoided the whole goddamned delay from the post office and gotten my satisfaction a whole lot sooner! Sheesh!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go take care of something…

Neuhaus Chocolate

Online and various locations

Categories: Chocolate, Food, Humor, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , | 3 Comments

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3 thoughts on “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction!

  1. You had me there. I thought you were talking about a new tablet. HAHA/

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